Is This a "Personal Marker" of Bipolar Disorder?
Now, I've never had a psychotic episode (that I know of). When I was 14, though, and deeply depressed, I began having feelings that God wanted me - or didn't want me - to do something ordinary, just at that moment, like moving a curtain to look out the window. A classmate hooked me up with her fundamentalist minister, and when I told him this, he said I showed a deep sensitivity to God and should pay attention whenever this happened, come to their church instead of the one my family attended, join their youth group, blah blah blah. When I told my mother this, she hit the roof (not at me, at the minister), and that was the end of that "religious" experience. I think those odd feelings went away fairly soon after.
Through the years since then I've still "personalized" things. It showed up in silly things like knocking a pot against a cabinet and saying, "I'm sorry!" Or instead of thinking, "I'll make the bed," thinking, "Bed, you really want to be made, don't you? Okay, I'll do it." I talk to stuffed animals a lot, but then, they ARE people, right? So that doesn't count. And no, they don't answer.
Sometimes, though, like now, it gets more intense. I'm talking to Sweet'n'Low packets these days. And today I hit a new high - or is it a low?
This morning, after making coffee, I had to refill my can of coffee beans. Simple enough, right? Not for me. First I had to pour the few remaining beans into the grinder, because they'd been at the bottom of the can all this time and it was their turn to be at the top. Then I poured the new bag of coffee beans into the can. Then poured the ones from the grinder into the can. Now they were on top.
I noticed there were a couple of beans still in the bag so I turned it over again. One bean bounced out and onto the floor. I put the top on the can and then realized the wayward bean had landed on clean floor at my feet. It wasn't fair to that bean to throw it away. I put it in the grinder for the next pot and hesitated.
Then I said, out loud, "You don't want to be alone in there all that time, do you?" So I took the cap off the grinder, took the top off the can, and put that one lonely coffee bean in with the others. All was well.
Am I just weird, or is this something to do with being a beeper?
~Marcia
Forum Members Talk About Personal Markers of Bipolar Disorder
Photo by Marcia Purse
Comments
I think what you are talking about is only a problem of psychosis if you find that the objects or things you are dealing with are too meaningful…or sending you messages personal to you. For instance, when I used to get slightly psychotic under stress, I used to see personal meaning on labels of shampoo bottles, or songs on the radio were sort of personally directed at me. If I knew that it was “loose cognition” and didn’t take it seriously, then it was not a dangerous state. But I found that it was rather exciting to find deep personal meaning in evey day things and thus it can become a very bad mental habit that can only be broken by taking a anti-psychotic. I no longer do this mental habit; I learned how to catch myself doing it and either stop it, or take a pill to stop it. I never have a problem with it anymore, unless I involve myself with certain forms of mysticism that get me too excited and I’ve found that if I do that, my cognition gets loosened and the bad mental habit tries to come back. I guess my meds are keeping my cognition tight and therefore I don’t get *self referential delusions* any more.
I begain talking to my self when I was very young. I have a whole imagenary world. I live in this world most of the time now. I have I’m half human and off this planet. I’m 49 years old and still have my own world in my head. I call my self Jane SoreyEagle when I’m in my head world. I have unworldly powers. Jane is over 500 years old. As far as I know I have never put the two world together. So is this part of being BP or being a bit psychotic. My family knows about my mind world. I don’t think they know I still live there most of the time. I saw my first imagernary husband on tv today. Boy he still looks good.
So thats my story. As far as talking to objects, yes I do. I talk to plants, dust collecting frogs, and trees. Sewing mechines and computers and tv.
I was reciently diagnosed with “Mixed Bipolar”-kinda sounds like a fancy coctail with an umbrella in it…Anyway…I digress-
I have talked to myself outloud ever since I could remember. I thought everyone did it. I am my own best friend and as I see it, who else knows me better then “ME”-
I too am very anal about the order of things- I am ritualistic sometimes in how I do things. If something breaks my pattern, my whole day is off. It could be something simple like brushing my teeth before brushing hair..or not making coffee before I shower.
My advice..if I may is this; It it works for you and doesn’t harm yourself or others-then dont worry about it. Non Bipolars dont understand what we go through day by day. So Talk to the coffee machine, the toaster, … There is no harm in it.
I used to pretend my crayons were teeth and I was a dentist I know not so bad. Now though talking to things is “NORMAL” I never really thought about it. I don’t let others see me do it.
I also have an alternate world in my head and I try and stay there as well. Whats nice when things get really bad I just disassociate and nothing matters.
Anyways, i guess my point is I never saw it as being ill as it never bothered anyone else. Unlike my BPD PTSD and BP!!!
I too think that talking to yourself or other things is quite normal. To some extent everyone has done it. And I am sure that nearly every child in the world has believed that their dolls or stuffed animals were alive. There is even a word for it: Anthropomorphization is giving life to an inanimate object; that is, you can anthropomorphize a computer by giving it human characteristics such as anger or elation.
So believing that the coffee beans want to be with the others is probably a lot more “normal” than you might think if only for the fact that there’s a word that describes that behavior. I completely identified with that example and had to laugh–I do things like that all the time! It’s more than talking to the beans, it’s believing they have feelings and then reacting to those made-up feelings like you would react to any human with that real emotion. I sometimes go so far as to apologize to things I throw away when they are still perfectly good (like mascara that isn’t completely empty or dried up). That’s probably more on the “crazy” side for me, but what can I say, I AM bipolar!
I know exactly what you mean. I often get the feeling that some inanimate objects have feelings and will do things or talk to them (even though I know they don’t -unless it is a flower- because plants have been shown to have feelings). Anyway I have stuffed animals which I imagine to possess spirits, but I do not really believe it …I just imagine it.
As a child I cried (and may still feel really sad) if I see a dead animal. When my father took me fishing and I caught a fish I cried and made him throw it back. I also had religious feelings like you descrivbed in addition to a very rich inner life .
I also had “tiny friends” as a child.