When Do You Tell Someone You Have Bipolar Disorder?
Friday February 8, 2008
You’ve just struck up a conversation with another member of your exercise class. You’ve spotted that gorgeous woman you’ll ask out when you get up the nerve. You’ve recently had a new coworker assigned to your cubicle hub. You have new people in your life that you hope or have to get to know better. At what point, if at all, should you bring up the topic of bipolar disorder? How do you discuss that you have a mental illness? I recently had this discussion with a group of friends because one of them had a great experience with sharing about her diagnosis. I thought this would be encouraging and give some insight for all of us when we are in these situations.
- She says, “I met this handsome man and I told him my story about my illness. I educated him on what it was and what it meant. I told him my accomplishments and how I had to rebuild my life, etc. When we left, I thought he was going to ask for my phone number. He didn't.
“My sister said, 'You expected him to ask for your number after you told him you had a mental illness?' And then she sarcastically added, 'You should at least wait until your second or third date.'
“Well, I went into my email today and there was an email from him inviting me to go with him to an event and he included his cell phone number. I called him and we now have a date for coffee.
“Yay for the educational approach. It has worked every time for me in my career and in my social life.”
~Kimberly
Comments
I admire your ability to be so honest. I feel sneeky because i didnt tell my husband i have bipolar and schizophernia untill we were about to get maried. I have been maried 2 years and sometimes i feel like i tricked him and he could have done better with somone who didnt need all the expencive medicine, psychatrist appointments, occasional hospitalization and special understanding. Because you told him straight out you will never have feel this intense guilt. I congradulate you.
Dear Kimberly,
I wish things could turn out as good for me but I doubt they will. I did a little worse than telling right away a guy I had bipolar disorder. I fell sick to be hospitalized just days after I had been apointed to a new department as an administrative assistant at work. When this guy and I got introduced to each other I found him so attractive. We are about the same age between 45 and 50. Well a month later I had to drag myself to ER due to a mania doubled with psychosis. I left a few messages to this guy from the hospital, one of which was letting him know that I was embarassed to talk to him directly. When later discharged from the hospital ward (Feb 7, 2008) I sent him an e-mail of apology but he did not reply. I am so scared about returning to work and having to face the consequences. Mind you he looks like a calm guy and I think he will understand that I was sick but I have absolutely no hope into eventually date this guy.
Regards,
Marie
I always tell everyone up front that I have bipolar no matter who they are in my life. I also have fibromyalgia. But I have noticed during my life most people are understanding and my children are the most understanding. I have never has an issue with people “backing away” because of it.
I have never told anyone other than my very closest friends about being bipolar. I don’t understand why it is necessary. I also don’t share that I have high blood pressure or a heart valve disorder. I’m not ashamed; it just doesn’t occur to me to share my medical conditions with others.
I think it depends. If you spend a good amount of time around someone or a group, you can get a sort of gage for how they would take this information. For instance, I don’t mind one of my jobs knowing I have bipolar because it is a restaurant and a good number of the employees have something or are in various stations in life (in fact, one of the managers who was there before has bipolar 1). So I figured they would not judge me if they didn’t judge anyone else. However, I did not tell some ‘church people’ about it because I have been judged by people of that persuasion (usually as having a ’spiritual problem’, a bad spirit needing exorcism, or a lack of faith) and I don’t particularly need that. Now I might mention it to people in my current denomination (Episcopal), but not people in my former groups (Baptist/pentecostal/non-denominational).
I don’t usually mention it at my day job until I get a feel for the people, but it isn’t always relevant. When I was dating I mentioned it to potential suitors because there is a possibility it might make a difference.
So I think it depends on the person, your comfort level with them, and their need to know.
hi
I have had bot positive and negative responses. Friends who I had for years backed off at the first signs of an esposde. But for the brave and the loyal who have stood by me my respect soars. I have developed the ability to spot someone who is a stayer. However I wait in a work envieronment to prove myself so they can see first hand that I am not crazy as most people think Bipolars are.
I tell people almost immediately. I don’t mean that I just blurt it out, but when you meet someone and are getting to know them you typically talk about your interests, experiences, etc. In doing so, it kind of just comes up in conversation for me. “Nah I wasn’t asleep; been up since Wednesday morning….No I’m not tired…I have bipolar disorder, so sometimes I just don’t need much sleep.” Voila. BUT…I always offer my website to someone who is brave enough to return for more than a few conversations. That way, I’ve been up front about who I am, and they have the chance to make an educated decision about whether or not they wanna hang with me. The rest is up to them.
My experiences have not, I’m afraid, been positive, although I believe you should tell certain people early on about yourself. I told the man I was dating after our second date and we continued to see each other until shortly after his transfer out of state. He was definitely the exception. My family, with whom I spend the majority of my time neither understand, nor care to. Those members of my extended family that have found out act like I’m either contagious or retarded. That’s why I started my blog. There’s still too much stigma attached to this condition.
I have always been open about my bipolar. When I was first diagnosed, yes, people were shocked and didn’t know what to think. I look at it as an opportunity to educate people I come in contact with because by being so open they feel they can ask questions of me and I will give them information as to why not to fear us, think we are nuts, etc. It is my little part to punch a hole in the stigma of bipolar. I share my down experiences as well as my highs. Friends have been easy to work with. Family? Well, if they don’t want to be educated and want nothing to do with me because of bipolar then they can go their merry way. I don’t need the negativity. Most thank me for clearing up what they have heard bad about bipolar. And I am sick to death of seeing every nut on TV in shows that portray anyone who is evil or does something bad as bipolar. That one makes me hopping mad. Do the research people and don’t make comments unless you know what you are talking about. Just my two cents.
I give those of you who are up front with people about your being bipolar kudos. I have only told my husband, my older kids, parents and two very close friends. I don’t know why I’m so embarrassed. I will explain my lows and absences on a fibromyalgia flare-up.
People just don’t seem to understand mental illness. Many think we are all certifiable and if we “act” normal in front of them, then we must be faking.
Sorry for rambling on, but this is a very sensitive subject for me. I find it very helpful to read all of your experiences.
I’m doing research on this exact topic. I was diagnosed as BP in July; I am now dating this particular guy, going on 6 weeks now. This is the first relationship I’ve had since going on meds. I still don’t know, after reading these comments, if I should tell him NOW or continue to wait. We’re starting to switch from casually dating to something more serious. Part of me thinks it’s better to tell him now and be up front; part of me thinks he’ll take it better once we’ve been together longer, we’re more serious and he’s been able to see the real ME.
I have been in a relationship with a man for a few months now and he told me yesterday that he suffers from a bipolar disorder. I appreciated his honesty and reassured him that I will support and love him in every way I can. If he needed more time to tell me, I would have understood, it all just comes down to personal choice. It is nothing to be ashamed of and for those of you who have experienced negative reactions, I apologise for the ignorance of others. My relationship is new and exciting, so wish me luck beautiful people!
I tell people I will be friends with (real friends with) about my Bipolar and try to educate them. If they reject me, then I guess they were not meant to be my friends. It may hurt me to be rejected, but better get this out of the way at first, then be hurt more deeply later! I am not ashamed of being Bipolar Type II.
wow there are some really great comments here i have a problem also i cant tell my friends im bipolar what do i do? xxxx
I have known for a few years know that I have Bipolar 1 disorder. Some that knew where supportive, but others appeared to not understand and thought I could just fix things myself and didn’t take it very seriously. I believe that it is good to be honest with people, yet have been very hurt at times by doing so. I really believe it depends on the type of person that you are considering disclosing this to and how you would feel if they reject you or treat you differently because of something you cannot help. Please don’t misunderstand what I ment because there are many kind and caring people in the world that would understand.
My girlfriend of 3 years broke up with me because i think that i may be a trigger to her manic side.Her friends tell me that she pushes away people who get to close. I am willing to be their for her , i just hope she gives it a chance and stops running away from her illness.
I have a few questions. I just started dating someone, he has told me from the beginning that he has BP. He told me it’s controlled and he never wants to be off his meds. Is there anything I should know about dating someone with BP? I’m just not educated enough about the topic and any help would be awesome. thanks so much.
I appreciate the comments people have made and think you are offering sound advice.
The rule I use is to never tell anyone about my bp unless it becomes absolutely necessary. The only people in my life who currently know about it are my wife, my family members, and two of my four best friends.
Maybe it’s selfish of me to be so secretive. It does not usually benefit me to share with people information about my mental illness; as a highly functional bipolar survivor, however, I may have a responsibility to the community to improve public understanding and acceptance.
I have been diagnosed with bi polar, I lost all of my friends because of it. Its so knarly how that just happens. I live in a small community, so alot of people know. I worrie day to day if Ill ever have friends again, if a guy would ever take a chance with me. Knowing me I would proboly share my past with a guy. And then again I wouldn’t because after you tell them, they will proboly treat you different. And let’s be real here, they dont know eaxactly how to treat a bipolar, they dont even know the right way to treat someone with bipolar, if there is a certain way. And they wouldn’t know because they did not create it. We dont really know how bipolar came about, so either do we haft to explain it.
I havent been diagnosed professionally with BP disorder but I have it. My family knows, but I cant admit to them that its real. For one I am extremely insecure about being labeled crazy. I dont know if people will accept me for who I am. I mean I am the same person, just with a labeled disorder. Shouldn’t they care no matter what? Second I dont want medication… Im scared of the side effects.
I dont know if anyone would want to be in a relationship with me knowing that I have this. I dont know what to do.
If it’s any consolation, I think it’s probably more likely you won’t crash and burn in this scenario if you’re a woman; men don’t as a rule require women to be strong and stable, or at least it’s not usually a deal-breaker. I don’t mean to say that none of my fellow men will be freaked out by mental illness – just that the need for emotional stability and an ability to carry out the role of physical and emotional “protector” in a potential mate is not atavistically burned into our psyche. In fact there’s a reasonable prospect that you will trigger the “carer” and “protector” instinct in the man, if you don’t overdo it. Therefore if you are fortunate enough to be a member of the fairer sex, then there is hope. I would imagine that if you’re stable then there’s actually quite a lot of hope, so that should give you a good reason to manage yourself properly and not fall into the trap of being addicted to the highs.
Unfortunately for men like me, the situation is often almost intractable. The unspoken requirement for men to be the stable “provider” is so subconsciously deep-seated that it’s usually very difficult for any potential date/new partner to get past .
IMO it’s almost inevitable that spilling the beans in the first stages will lead to a metaphorical sharp exit from the obect of your affections. You could always wait until you think the girl you like is emotionally connected, but again, the fact that you are so far from the paradigm that evolution/societal norms has created for potential male partners, that there is still a high chance she will run for the hills. Of course, this doesn’t mean no-one will ever accept you, but you have to be prepared to take a truly stupendous amount of rejection, when even the normal ratio of rejection to success is tough for most men.
Personally, I’ve found this too high a price to pay. The regular crushing of one’s self-esteem is too much given that even if you strike lucky and get past first base, you’re still in the dating/new relationship minefield, only with a dirty great elephant in the room.
After all it’s not like being rejected because you don’t “click” with someone, or you aren’t their “type”, or “it’s not you, it’s me”. It IS you – and something fundamental about you to boot. The girl in question can appear to believe you’re the greatest thing ever, until you drop the bipolar hand-grenade into the mix; at which point the situation usually takes an abrupt volte-face.
Again, anything’s possible I suppose, but it’s a little like saying some people win a few hundred pounds on the lottery; if you try hard enough and buy enough tickets, then statistically you probably will win one of these prizes eventually, but if you ask me the cost-benefit analysis is pretty poor.
I’ve avoided relationships since my early thirties (I’m 44 now) even though I’m relatively stable. Most of my problems are situational; in other words the practical consequences of having been unstable years ago – i.e occasionally feeling low (but in the normal range) about poor career/financial and (somewhat ironically) romantic prospects.
You can’t really stop being attracted to someone every once in a while, but you can develop techniques to cut those feelings off at the pass. Of course I get lonely sometimes and frustrated when I meet someone I feel I could click with, if only it weren’t for this damned label, but to me, that is far preferable than the humiliating and painful alternative.
By the way I don’t mean to kick any men reading this while they’re down; after all this is only my experience and my solutions – we each have our own reality and your experience may well be different. It’s just something you might wish to bear in mind, that’s all.
I have read the above posts and am appreciative of all the views people have shared. I was diagnosed with BP in January 2007. The doc didn’t give it a I or II, but at the time, I’ll say I was a I, but have since learned some controlling ways and consider myself to now be in the II category. I know, the category doesn’t just change by itself but knowing when/what contributes to an episode is half the battle.
As far as sharing the illness with others, my Mother knows and doesn’t understand, believe, nor accept it. I have shared the news with friends and relatives, but not with my boyfriend of the last two years. No, I don’t know why except for the possibility of being scared he’ll leave. I did tell his sister so that I didn’t feel like I didn’t tell his side of the family. My boyfriend has an optimistic view of life and insists on a happy day every day. I just can’t do it. I have tried. Sometimes I’m good for a few hours. I’m more of a pessimist and realist and we definitely bump heads. I really would like to be like him and “roll with it” I just don’t know how.
With the economy going (gone) I have had many down times. I lost my house and job and had to move back to my Mother’s in a different state. Up days/times are rare. I will eventually adjust to this.
I was diagnosed with BPD, type II about 2 years ago. I’m also HIV+. I just started round 2 of dating a wonderful guy that has come back to me after finally realizing he’s OK with my HIV status. It took him some time to accept that diagnosis.
Now that we’re getting serious, I have to tell him about this, and I don’t know when to do this. Sucks having two diagnoses with terrible stigmas. He is just learning more about my health status (stable) and has been really good. The BPD is very stable because I don’t miss my meds and I see my therapist regularly.
Anyone with ideas?
Wow I didn’t realize so many of us BP sufferers worry about telling others about our illness. Wow everyone had a comment that was really sincere. I just wish I had learned to blog a long time ago. I was diagnosed with Bipolar Manic Depression in 1999 and I thought this is a rotten joke. My whole entire family found out with one terrible badass episode that came right after a hard break up. I mean everyone found out my mom, dad, sisters, brothers my entire immediate family found out in one night. My life did a 180 at that time and I had to rebuild everything. Especially my credibility cause most people did not understand that mental illness was an illness. It is a legitimate illness not a stigma. In my family alone three of us are BP. And after my diagnosis I was determined to mask my illness as much as possible. To this day I have never been inclined to tell anyone about my illness. I am very uncomfortable with the subject. I just do not like the comments I receive when I mention BP. I realize that most people have some level of understanding but I have weighed the pros and cons and I see the risks involved with telling people about BP and my silence has become acceptable. It just seems easier to swallow. I made up my mind not to tell anyone else until I know they can handle it mentally and emotionally. I was dating this guy for a few weeks and he asked me if I suffered from depression and mood swings. I said no absolutely not cause I thought he was looking for a reason to jet. I told him I am a wonderful woman and he needed to know more about me before he I mentioned my illness. i didn’t want him to make a rash decision. I began to tell him all the wonderful qualities about myself so that he could see me and not the illness. I did it for him and I did it for me because I felt I should have a fighting chance with this guy because I liked him so much. We have lasted two years and I only recently revealed to him that I suffered from Bipolar Manic Depression this year. I had to manage a health problem that came up and I told him about my ilness. He was supportive, attentive, concerned and he saw me as the woman who loved him. And it felt good to reveal it to him at that point. Thankfully I found out he was a stayer. A stayer is someone who has made a decision to stay in your life. And over the years I have found out how if someone really loves you they can’t stay out of your life because something draws them to you. So to me it is important to find out if they can handle your illness befoe you mention it. I needed to be sure that others saw me as a woman with out the deprssion first.
I found this blog site tonight, and I am so grateful to all of you, because I don’t feel so alone. I told my husband of three years last month about Bipolar illness. The funny thing is that I haven’t been officially diagnosed with it. My mother and I have made the connection recently, due to the fact we discuss my depression.
Currently, I am seeing a therapist for recurrent severe depressive disorder (I just “quit” going to work – a job I had loved for four years). I have been almost completely housebound /agoraphobic for months now.
Housebound except for the Vegas trip in October. Out of the blue, I talk my husband into a trip to Las Vegas. I am “up up up” prior to the trip (but still housebound with severe depression while being “up up up”) – Excited and depressed at the same time. Housebound but able to board that plane to Vegas.
As soon as we get home, I am rock bottom depressed again. Does this sound familiar to anyone?
So after Vegas, and after my conversations with my mother, I told my husband to keep an eye on me to see if he thinks I have mania/hypomania after explaining it all to him. Well, yesterday I had an episode that was very obvious to us both (I don’t do anything dangerous, but I clean for 10 hours straight, talk his ear off, and I can’t sleep hardly at all). I am Bipolar, but I can’t handle the diagnosis, nor can I handle the meds. I am not sure what I will do, but my husband and my mother are very loving and supportive. I haven’t told anyone else. They would neither one abandon me over this.
Thanks so much for this blog and everyone who took the time to comment. This has been a really difficult issue for me since my first psychotic episode and subsequent diagnosis in 2003. I had never told anyone “new” in my life about my disease until recently. In the first case the person asked questions, and I was very open and tried to answer their questions the best I could. We stayed in touch for about a month after that, but this person has since vanished from my life, I’m still unsure if my decision to be honest and open was the exact cause. The second person is someone I am casually dating and getting to know. He kind of brushed it off as if it is nothing (ie “I have ups and downs, I think maybe I have bipolar”) and I let it go for a while, but it came up again and I was honest and told him that in the past I have actually lost touch with reality. At this point I don’t think I am going to give any more details unless things get serious. It really is a difficult thing to deal with because having bipolar is such a big part of my past, and who I am today. Good luck to everyone trying to handle this issue as well.