Soliloquy on Disclosure by NightandDay
NightandDay posted a poignant, well articled position statement on this topic she entitled To Disclose or Not to Disclose? “I hear many people speak of the stigma surrounding [bipolar disorder] and the shame they have about this disorder. They often say that they keep it to themselves because they fear repercussions or being viewed as somehow different and defective. Many speak about how mental illness is not viewed on the same level as a “real” disease, something with an intrinsically physical nature and cause. How this makes us feel a measure of disgrace that sufferers of those other diseases and illnesses do not feel. “As of now, mental illness is one of the last vestiges of such rampant ignorance and stigma and it will not end until we stand up with one voice and say that we may ‘have’ this or ‘be’ this or ‘am’ this or ‘suffer from’ this or be ‘diagnosed with’ this or ‘deal with’ this but that we are not any different than any other person who contends with ANY disease.
“I, and many of my generation, still hold on to a hope (perhaps naively) that we can make a difference. We still have the drive to yell it from the mountain tops that we “have/are/suffer from/deal with/are diagnosed with” bipolar, or any of the more colorful terms that we may want to use.
“I can articulate what it’s like to stare down the barrel of a gun and pray with all your might that it will NOT misfire, to scream and thrash about and let out the basest guttural cry of desolation about waking up and finding yourself still alive, to find yourself a month or two later incarcerated against your will and being held by people wearing hospital uniforms and talking in hushed voices.
“I’ve seen the terror on my friends’ faces as they watch me break onto the roof of a building and attempt to jump off and the disappointment in my parents’ eyes as all my hopes and dreams (their hopes and dreams for me) slip between my fingers. I’ve watched the tears stream down my mother’s cheeks and my father’s resolute stare as long term hospitalization and commitment is suggested, resisted, and then discussed. I know this, I’ve lived this, and I have absolutely no qualms telling anyone about this.
“I won’t ever escape these horrors of my past or the uncertainty of my future, but they are something that I do have to offer to others who will never, by God’s grace, have to face them and who may take my story and watch the man living under the bridge, washing car windows for spare change, or pushing a cart full of cans down the street and know that someone like me, someone who for all intents and purposes looks and acts mostly normal most of the time, is just one hair’s breath away from being that person … I want them to know, however scary the thought may be, that they, or the person sitting next to them, could be me and not even know it.”
This is only a synopsis of NightandDay’s beautiful soliloquy. You can read her full conversation in our Forums. ~Kimberly
Comments
I have been a sober member of ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS for 21 years now. I also am bi-polar. when I give my leads,or am just talking, I do not hesitate to mention that I am bi-polar in the hopes that I can reach other sufers. And over the years I have had the grace of helping many.
My wife was recently diagnosed as bi-polar. She had been diagnosed with “depression” for many years and has been on various medications to help her control the racing thoughts and feelings of inadequacy she has. This new diagnosis really hit her hard and has intensified her feelings of being a “defective” person. She sent this link to me to read and although I can not fully understand everything she is going through in her mind, I do want her to understand that I still see her as the woman I fell in love with, the woman I married and the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with. No label will ever change that.
I always feel it is better to tell people. I also invite other people who have bipolar disorder to come and chat with me and make a sort of support network to each other… there’s nothing like that here in New Delhi, India. Loved the article!
I totally relate to this article. I had mentioned earlier in another comment recently that the bigger issue at stake is removal of the term ‘Mental Illness’. As NightandDay rightly says Bipolar Disorder is intrinsically physical in nature. The more appropriate term would be ‘Brain Disorder’.
‘MentaIllness’ will always be associated with ‘craziness’. We should take this up at every available forum and also with the medical community starting with our pdocs.
My son, 12, is being released from the hospital tomorrow after his second stay. While I always taught him to to be honest and proud, I feel ashamed that I encourage him not to tell others of his condition. At his age, I fear the stigma and possible ridicule will hurt him. I just hope he’s careful who he shares this with. There are far too many ignorant people out there. They have no idea the pain it causes children, adults and families. I love my son and will stand besides him through this. For every visible imbalance, there must be a balance. He just needs to find it.