Avoidance – Viable Coping Strategy or Maladaptive Behavior?

Wow! Been there done that-everything you’ve listed! The biggest problem is that there are consequences to avoiding. The more I avoided, the more guilt and anxiety I felt and it was a vicious cycle. Counseling helped as did Zoloft to break the cycle. I am now aware of this tendency and the second chance I have to live life free of this cycle. Every time I catch myself making avoidance decisions I make a point to call a friend and schedule a time ASAP to meet to get me away from my comfort zone and back into the swing of things. The more I push myself to do the things that bring me anxiety and face those fears, the less they bother me – at least temporarily. Its also about remembering those years that slipped quietly away and realizing that I can do more than that – but it takes effort! (more some days than others) Also, if I slip into an avoidance lifestyle for a day or even two on a day off – I have to remind myself that its normal to have downtime, I just need to be careful not to continue the behavior and not “overdo”it.

I tend to think the scenario described is maladaptive coping. I have that in spades along with both bi-polar and ADHD diagnoses. It is very frustrating. With the addition of Ritalin in my med cocktail I am finally getting a few hours per day when I actually feel like doing the tasks that I can’t make myself do. I’m going slowly and try to schedule in time to let down. Good luck to everybody who has this problem. It definitely contributes big time to “having a life.”

Hi Sarah,
I had to summarize things for a new worker I just got. I used almost your exact words when describing myself being depressed. During those times I need outside intervention because all my common sense and coping skills go out the window. It is also the time when I am unable to reach out for help. I don’t like to label things but I believe someone needs to reach out to you. Thank you so much for sharing this. Donna

Valid strategy or maladaptive behavior? I think that without question it’s maladaptive. Why? Because it makes me feel worse, not better. (And yes, I share every one of the behaviors Sarah listed.)

By coincidence, I was discussing just this behavior with my physician yesterday. I feel better today — have been in a severe depressive episode for several days now — just for having vented, rather emotionally, my frustration about having this go on now for over fifty years with no long-term relief. (I also brought up the subject of mood stabilizers and we’re about to experiment with one on top of the other medications I currently take for this problem or that.)

Maladaptive, yes; also perfectly understandable. The question I’ve been asking myself during this latest period of mental darkness and confusion and near-despair is, why should I have to feel guilty about doing this? Yes, I know many things I “should” be doing instead. But I would like to ask anybody who proposes a “should” to me to step inside my body and my psyche for even an hour and then see what proposals come to mind.

If you haven’t been to this place, there is no way to convey what it’s like. On my good days, I feel like I imagine most people feel on a “fairly” good day. And even that brief reprieve scares me because very often it’s hypomania and I know from long experience what’s about to happen next.

I went to visit a therapist yesterday and he has me down for 2 hours and I will visit him every week although I will have to drive 1 hour and 30 min. each way. But it was all worth it. As I talked to him and weeped a bit, I realized that I do the things that the writer (the first person with this topic) said and have guilt feelings and don’t feel any better but worst. Thank u for bringing it up.

Kimberly, have you been looking in my window? I do the very same things you describe. I, too, have gone for days without showering, teeth brushing or even changing my clothes. I, too, sleep for hours and hours. This has been my escape since a young child, when no one knew enough to thing maybe I was bi-polar. I am in this exact state at this very moment. Took enough meds to take me away from live for a while. I love sleep. It allows me to forget life for a few hours. I am surrounded by my precious dogs and cats in bed and my eyelids are getting heavy. I am 59, female and have numerous other health problems. My husband is very supportive for the most part, but sometimes he forgets how much I suffer.
Sweet dreams!

Yes, I avoid everything!! I cancel Dr. appts. Go without eating because I don’t want to go to the store, lose myself in the computer to keep myself from thinking. I have realized that I have lost some years and it really upsets me. I am so tired of just existing……… this is not me.

Yesterday I was in this state. I had been crying on and off for a couple days and it was time to go back to work. Sometimes I can just push through it, but yesterday it overwhelmed me and I called in sick. After a while I let go of my attempts to feel better and got in bed and listened to a book on tape. It was actually very soothing. Usually I mentally punish myself for not going to work, or think I should accomplish something. Reaching out to others would be a good idea for me, but I don’t have friends like that now. Next time I will try this space. I forget what works when I’m feeling bad. I’m lucky I can face the world today.

I avoided social outings with co-workers for so many years, but I woke up one day and wondered why I had no friends. I saw a quote on someone’s facebook profile: “To have friends, you must be a friend”. That’s when it hit me! All these years I’ve been resisting friendship. I lost my job and only a few co-workers stay in contact via facebook, but I have no one to lunch with and I’ve only had one girls night out w/ my husband’s female co-workers. If it weren’t for them, I’d have no one. I have no children, so that’s not my excuse for pushing people away. I used to have a pituitary tumor and when I read the symptoms, one was “social withdrawal”. Now that I know that, I can try to fight it so that it is no longer a mystery to me. I hope to cultivate friendships and look forward to the day when I am surrounded by warm and caring people who enrich my life with their presence.

Other than the not eating, that is me to a “T”. I think it is not good, but hard to avoid sometimes. I just have no ambition to do otherwise. I think it is tied into depression, at least for me.

Yes! I will sleep if I want to avoid something. I also listen to music if I cant find anything else that is helpful. Why do we sleep for hrs and sometimes days..

I wouldn’t call the avoidance maladaptive behavior OR a coping strategy. I’d call it depression. Those are textbook symptoms of depression and I have them all as well. I know what you mean when you say it just makes you feel guilty or worse, but it shouldn’t – it’s part of the disease. But then again even feeling guilt is often part of depression. I have done almost all of the things other posters have done, like lost all of my friends due to always coming up with excuses not to do things and never reaching out to them. I know I simply appear “lazy” to those around me. After all, I can appear perfectly “normal”, just like I did before my onset. There are no visible signs (unless you count the times without showering or wearing the same clothes for days – or you see me distantly gazing out the window for hours at a time, but of course I don’t let people see me when I’m like that – exhibiting the whole avoidance behavior we’re talking about.)

I am lucky to have an understanding husband. We have a 3-day deal. If I have not been out of the house for 3 days, he drags me out. If I can’t even get myself decent for a public appearance at someplace like the movies or a grocery store, we just go for a ride in the car (sometimes even in my pajamas). Often it will make me feel better to get some fresh air and sunlight, but I have to admit – sometimes that doesn’t even help and I am very relieved to return home and hermit inside once again. At least he tries it and sometimes it does help me. I think one of the keys here is something Donna Wallace pointed out above. Often, we need someone else to help us. We need outside intervention. We simply might not be capable of making the decision to do things and follow-through. Sometimes we just can’t do it without at least a nudge. I applaud those of you who can recognize the problem and give yourself the extra push. As Marcia pointed out, the events and tasks we ARE able to participate in are indeed what let’s us “have a life”. Otherwise, as many of us know, lost days can turn into weeks, which can turn into months and even years which have vanished. I would say the coping strategy would be whatever you do to keep, or try to keep yourself involved in your life. For me it’s the deal with my husband when I’m at my worst. When it’s not quite that bad, he is also always pushing me to call old friends or family and get out – or just go shopping or to get my hair cut. I am sometimes able to follow his suggestions – which I would never come up with on my own. I am lucky to have that little nudge, or I know I would never do any of it.

Of course, because of being bipolar I will eventually come out of the dark and when I feel “normal”, those I do meet never understand why I am not as involved in activities as everyone else and why I eventually disappear for long periods of time. Whether I share my condition with others or not, it seems to have similar results as far as relationship longevity. As John R. pointed out above, unless they have walked in my shoes, they cannot understand.

I appreciate the ability to share here with others who can understand because they wear very similar shoes.

I’d say maladaptive for the same reason someone else mentioned – how it makes you feel. I have done all of the above and my husband of 20 years can usually tell when I’m having one of those days (or series of days) because the housework suffers dramatically when I am normally a neat person. When I get into that mode, there is an unspoken thing we do. In the morning when I get up to get him off to work, I state to him what I will do that day. For one, it confirms to myself that I am committed to something, even if it is simple and small (like today I will be vacuuming). I usually do that and knowing my husband has heard it will be enough to motivate me to get going and do at least that for the day. I also allow myself down time but not too much or I get into self-destructive mode. Setting those small goals each day helps me stay focused and usually I get started on that one task and find i want to do more than that (sometimes). Hubby gives me gentle reminders if he sees me getting out of sorts and because he does it lovingly I usually respond and get back in line. It definitely is hard though not knowing what kind of person you will wake up to be in the morning. Being adaptable and realistic helps. For example, if you had intended to go out with a friend and meet at a coffee shop but wake up feeling like you just can’t do it. Modify plans and ask the friend to come over for coffee instead. That will be a compromise, and you’ll still get a lift from a great friend, and won’t cancel plans. Try it, it works!

I feel better just knowing I am not the only one. I hate being in “the world”. I reschedule appts, put of doing any shopping, etc., just like everyone describes. I am an isolationist, I can be a hermit for several weeks at a time. I can’t help it, even when I’m out, I just want whatever to be done asap so I can go back home. I just really do feel better knowing I am not alone!

I think avoidance behaviors began because they were functional in some way, often as young children having to survive some kind of abuse. But they became a way of life for us and have carried over into adult life where they are often maladaptive. It’s hard to change a life-long pattern of behavior that kept us “safe” at one time in our lives. That doesn’t mean it can’t be done. But we have to take it slow and easy and prove to ourselves that bad things aren’t going to happen just because we don’t “disappear” in some way. We have to build up a series of small successes. Eventually, this will come to replace the old pattern and we will no longer be avoiding life.

I have a history of getting sick when I want to avoid something. I may be sick for just that day, which makes it really evident, or I may even really come down with something that lasts several days. Like others, I can also disappear into books, television, hobbies or computer games. Lists help me – sometimes. Giving myself orders, rewards or even punishments helps – sometimes. It’s a battle I fight again and again, especially (but not exclusively) during depressive episodes.

Well, I certainly recognize myself here. I am surprised to see that so many others have avoided friendships and pushed people away, because this is something that I have always been ashamed of…the fact that so many wonderful friends were lost to me due to my negligence.

I work, so I bathe, get dressed, apply makeup everyday….but I might wear the same clothes (2 0r 3 prs. of pants, swapped around with 4 or 5 sweaters/blouses) for months. When I am on “vacation”, I can stay in the house, in my nightgown, for days upon days. I won’t answer the phone, open mail…and if the doorbell rings I panic and am very frightened. I have actually ran to the back of the house to hide. and yes there are definitely consequences associated with avoidance behavior, which I view as maladaptive. I really don’t know what I’m going to do right now. I have no hope at all.

It seems to be a symptom of depression for me, also.

However, the fact that we can recognise it is half of the battle already fought.

For me, I find either delving into a thing I know to be productive helps such as taking photos or training our dogs; or simply by confronting the thing that is scaring me, such as climbing a ladder, in order to fix something (I hate heights), or going and talking to our neighbour (when I’d rather sit in the house), as I feel a lot better off afterwards. Therefore, to me, the coping mechanism of avoidance isn’t a good choice for me.

I recognize much of myself here. I also change plans and avoid things. To me, it’s because I now dont feel well, or I’m concerned about when my energy is going to run out. If I could rely on my energy, I wouldn’t cancel things. And although I have adderall for that, it doesn’t really last that long. I don’t see this as avoidance so much as doing as best with what you have at the time. We all know how unpredictable our energy can be. Personally, I’m trying to be less harsh on myself. It’s so easy to hate yourself with this illness. I’m really trying to not do that. After all the suffering we go through almost daily, it’s really not called for that we should hate ourselves too. If you know that you just don’t feel well, and your mood swing is too strong than its’ not avoidance in my opinion. If you don’t already have a PRN, maybe that would help when your symptoms get pretty strong. I also know from personal experience that meds often don’t do nearly what we’d like them to do, but as far as meds go, it’s all we’ve got at the present time. Good luck to you.

I stay home and it’s kept me out of trouble. I sometimes worry what I’ll do if I’m manic, so avoid going out. I’m frightened I’ll do something I’ll regret (again). But admittedly your situation does sound more on the depression side, which I can relate to too.
Sleep and shutting yourself off from the world is heaven, but can end of shutting down your life. I know only too well how easy it is to get into this rut…

Hey, shutting the door and going to bed and TO SLEEP are the first things I do when things get too out of control, overwhelming or I’m in a depression. I’ve done this all my life as did my mother (BP) and my daugher (BP). I am a teacher and when I’m in a bad depression my life becomes: go to school, get through the day, don’t talk to anyone (isolate), come home, go to bed, do the same thing until it lifts. I give myself two days now and that’s it. I put a limit on my wallowing. I hate it that my 15 year old son has to see me do this. The answer? I don’t know. I’m 52.

There are times when I feel so sick that I think it’s neither safe or productive for me to venture out. My partner thinks otherwise (most of the time) and encourages me to go anyway. These times seem to fall into a succession of weeks, not days or hours.

When I don’t step out of the scene when certain symptoms begin increase not only am I becoming more and more mentally unstable, my body begins showing signs of stress, my immunity tanks, and I end up in bed with a full blown secondary illness like bronchitis, or labrynthitis, which, in turn increases the depression to a suicidal hopelessness.

It’s very, very difficult for me to know when to stop and give myself a break. To know when I need to allow my mind and body time to heal, or when to plow through the symptoms and hope for a breakthrough on the other side. I want to live, and I want to be perceived as an individual who wants to live and succeed despite this condition.

Lately, I’ve been plowing through and getting sicker, not better. I feel more and more unstable, and my symptoms are increasing each week. Meds aren’t helping. I see my doctor once a month and my counselor once a week. Even after 20 years, medical science has not found the right cocktail for me. I suffer with side effects, adverse reactions, all out allergic reactions. Sometimes I think the medication has taken me down for longer periods of time than the bipolar.

But, what do I say to all that? “Life, excuse me, but I have to check out for a week, or more. Please take care of the bills, the job, the relationships until I get back.” ??

I am learning that the less I do, the better. Multi-tasking is poisonious. More than 2 appointments, and I’m not fit to drive. Making a living? Hardly. I’m still trying to figure out how to earn a living, be in meaningful relationship with others (that’s so difficult, and mentally draining), take care of myself, richly do my share in caring for our children (joint custudy of two teenage boys), and be the artist that I know I am.

I have to do this slowly, deliberately, and put my mental hygiene first and before of everything, even my children. Does anyone have the slightest clue how painful that is for a mother?

If I can’t make it down for Thanksgiving or Christmas, if I have to stay in and focus on recovering from a soul crushing day by reading a book or watching a movie, if I have to just say “no” to my boss so I don’t end up back in the hospital or sick in bed, well… it is what it is. People might deem that maladaptive, and other things I avoid when I feel a bipolar shift coming on. It may be. But under whose watch? Whose definition are we following here? Is society better served by me shuffling down the street, or behind the wheel when I’m about to completely lose it? Is it better for me to potentially “be” that spectacle?

My illness causes me to take on life differently. What some may deem avoidance, I see as a way to stay alive in a body, in a world that can adapt itself to my pace if I have the courage to ask.

And I’m asking…

I have the same problem but worse. I can’t bring myself to go to work. Yeah, I’m a fortunate one and I’m blowing it. I’m afraid to go. I feel I’m going to mess something up one way or another so I just stay home and sleep. I have an understanding boss, but it’s going to give soon I’m afraid. I have to take my lumps sometimes. I just wish I weren’t so afraid to go out of the house and back to work. I can’t afford not to but somehow the fear makes it all okay. Thanks for letting me vent. I hope we all make it.

WOW!!! what can i say…you described the last several years of my life. They diagnosed me with anxiety when i was 18. it wasnt til i was 33 that they diagnosed me with bipolar. i went through two marriages. and i am now a single mother of two little girls. i am a full time student and work part time. i am on a vicous cocktail of meds and i was still “avoiding” life. and setting myself up for failure, yes…i have lost several jobs over the years because i would go through an avoiding stage and would miss a lot of work just to stay at home and sleep. and getting into a book and forgeting about the rest of the world yes i do that to. I use to care about my appearance these days i barely remember to take a shower. and i am transfering my feelings to my children. i find myself letting my 7 year old take care of her 4 year old sister because i would rather sleep in and avoid the day. I dont do this often but it does happen. and i sabotoge myself. i lay out of school until i get warned by the instructor that one more absence and i am out of the program. The last week or two of each semester is always the worst for me because i am so sure i am going to fail my classes that it becomes nearly impossible to even get out of bed and go to school. I did this last semester and in the end i passed all my classes but i would have made much better grades if i had actually attended more. i talked to my psychiatrist about this “avoidance” and setting myself up for failure, about not being able to WILL myself to get out of bed. he put me on welbutrin. he said it will help me face the day. now i am on like 6 different meds, and it is hard to keep up with all of them, my kids have actually missed school because i was unable to get up and face the day. i have received a “warning” letter from my 4 year olds school twice over her abscenses. and this is all due to me not being able to get up. i have to say i’ve been on the welbutrin for about 2 weeks now, it seems to be helping. I still feel myself trying to ruin things, school is hard and it stresses me out, i am so afraid i CANT do it, but i know the signs now and i talk myself out of “avoiding” and failure. I have a difficult time because no one around me really understands my disease. my family only knows that i am “sick” and need medicine and that i am not a nice person to be around without it. I have yet to meet a man that can handle “me” and all my flaws. I have only two really close friends who know about my bipolar and know the signs to watch for to help me out of the cycle, but even they are not that close anymore cause they have their own problems and lives. I have lots of people that i call friend but very few of them actually know about my bipolar and those that do dont understand the complexities that come with it. I feel alone in this world more often then not and I am just trying to survive, i have to remind myself ONE day at a time, and take deep breaths. Its hard but it is nice to read these blogs and know that i am not the only one in this world having these problems.

All the comments are so valid and so real to me. I have lived like this for the past 12 years until just about a year ago to the date. My pdoc has me on remeron for depresssion and has helped me tremendously with sleep and the ability to walk outside on my porch.I thought I was the only one and family and friends made me feel more guilty about it. They just have no idea of the hell I have gone through.
I am fortunate to say it has been a full 12 months that I have not missed work due to the isolation.I guess I allow myself on weekends to sometimes hole up but it’s not every one.I wish you all the same success I have achieved even to one degree. And in having people around you that understand what is happening to us.

I can relate so well to what #14 Elizabeth said: I need to get out of the world and home ASAP. I am trying to date and I was on my way home from the date and I was driving in the dark and I was almost in tears because I couldn’t get home fast enough. If I’m out in the world too long, I become overwhelmed and exhausted. I isolate at school too and do not speak to too many other teachers. I used to care how people viewed me but I don’t anymore because I cannot sit with a group of people and make small talk and fake “relaxation and ease.” I’m good one-on-one and panicked when it’s a group. I used to be good at parties – the life of the party – but now I’ve changed. Do we all have isolation in common?

Praise God that someone else out here can describe so well what I feel. I thought the meds were making me agoraphobic, believe it or not. I used to be a pretty social person and now I find that I would rather stay home that do ANYTHING- even going to the barn where I ride is like a huge ‘come one Anne, you can do this.” And can anyone else understand the feeling of being out and having all this energy and the MINUTE you walk in the house, you walk straight to the bed and just crash for two hours? i don’t answer my phone, I say no to lunch dates, and if I say yes, I cancel- it feels panicky. I don’t THINK it is depression- because for me depression is I hate showers, I hate changing clothes and I sleep ALL THE TIME- don’t want to eat. This is different – I may shower and get dressed and then when i think of running errands, I just think, ” I’ll go back to bed.” I am on Effexor XR and Seroquel and I didn’t notice this behaviour or my 30 lb weight gain until after I was on Seroquel- does anyone know if Seroquel makes people feel “antisocial”??? Thanks. Anne

Having not bathed for the last several days, and only last night finally taking off the clothes I had worn for 3 days straight (even at night), I am really happy to hear it is not just me! And yes, I spent at least 6 hours (could be more, can’t remember exactly) the other day/night playing solitaire on computer. I kept saying, this is the last game, but I could not make myself leave the desk. My problem is that my biggest avoidance mechanism for many years of my life has been gambling (sitting numbly in front of a slot machine for hours, sometimes more than 24 hours at a time). As you can imagine, this has cost me ALOT of money (and I have blown off work, friends, family, etc.)
But what really scares me is that most who have commented are on meds, and yet still experience this feeling. As I read other forums, it seems that people with BP don’t really get better being on meds, just maybe don’t completely lose their grasp on reality. Is this true?

Just started a cocktail of Gabapentin 900 gms and seroquel 600milligrams and have had a whole month without depression or anxiety. Previously I was ultra-rapid cycling on a 48hour roller coaster of alternate days , alternately up and down for more than 5 years, driving my partner and son to equal distraction. Yaayeeah for Gabapentin. Anyone else have a similar experience?

I am glad I am not alone. I am in a workplace bullying situation and looking for work during a major recession. I am well educated – and have great work ethics. But I am older and I am quickly seeing employers want to hire teenagers – and their friends and relatives. I have avoidance and depression and no health insurance – and no sliding scale fees in my area for health care. So no meds or therapy. I feel pretty hopeless to make things better at this point. Probably because I feel like I have no options or have run out of options.

hi all yes i also have all thoughs symtoms , and dicided too do somthing about it ,taking all my meds and have somthing for the anxity and iv got a good therspist too help me know my self and to grow as a person ,i am happy im on the right track now withh the right help ,thankyou all for all your hard work you do here ,,,,, hugs ivi

CAROL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh my heavens, when I read your post I almost cried- I keep telling my husband, ” When I am with a group, I feel panicked and wish I was invisible, but with one person, I feel comfortable to talk.” Going to church used to be no big deal but now I see all the people and I freak out. Now a friend can come to the house and I can talk their ear off, but put me in a group and I panic. WHY???????????????????????????????? Are you on Seroquel????

hello all,

i came very close to taking my own life recently because i was avoiding: things seemed so hopeless and bleak. i hadn’t paid taxes for 5 quarters, my house was close to having a lien or worse, still paying my 2005 tax bill, my gas was turned off for a week. i’m a professional. earn a good salary, but i had a counter full of unopened bills that i avoided because i was confused and depressed.

i have a good friend who is a social worker, cbt therapist. she came over, over a couple of days, spent 7 hours with me opening bills and making phone calls. she helped me go to the bank to refinance. i had to borrow $11,000 from my daughter and son-in-law to catch up to where i could borrow.

to make a long story short, ive refinanced at a lower rate (my banker said that with my salary and equity in my house wondered whether i wanted to borrow more!) paid back my debts, have people checking on me weekly. am now taking effexor which is helpful with a whole lot of other meds, too.

my point is, avoidance can be fatal. connect with a professional, a trusted friend, someone at the bank, take your meds and if they aren’t helping let your p.doc know.

best wishes to you!

btw, my best friend is a PhD psychologist. he totally understands because he avoids, too! but though at a “higher functioning level” than i am he has to push to send things in for billing and send in his quarterles. this is not related to your intelligence or education, it’s biochemical.

I do all of the above, too. I sit on my chaise lounge with my laptop on my lap, the remote control at my right hand and a book and my phone all within each.
I do everything minimally. If I didn’t have to put kibble on the table for my furbabies, I probably would find a way to avoid work. I have been taking a day off here and there to stay home and do nothing. I have five more days to take off before the end of the year if I want. I’m spreading them out. I don’t do anything but sit home and vegetate. It’s my way of coping and I agree that it is maladaptive.

Wow I think im going through this right now. It feels good for a while, because I mostly read, something that gives me information i wouldn’t have otherwise, but it gets to the point where I feel like im hiding and i start to feel like if i make a noise “they’ll” come get me, or something bad is gonna happen, I guess paranoid behavior comes into play after awhile. that when it gets really bad, and it takes a crisis to motivate me to do anything productive. I’ve lost jobs, friends, peoples trust that i’ll be reliable. It’s very disheartening that something that starts out innocent enough turns into a source of more anxiety than it relived. I fear one day i may hide from the world indefinately.

I thank all of you for your comments. If I have something solid scheduled, I am very reliable- for example I do not miss church on Sunday because I am in the choir. My husband (who suffers from MAJOR depression), is winding down his law practice and never misses an appointment or a court appearance, but often has to be gently dragged to the office if nothing else is scheduled.
What a relief to find out other people go for days without washing their hair and sometimes (time permitted) even not changing their clothes. I have struggled with my bipolar issues for years (I am now 62) an share the guilt other have talked about. You have given me comfort and the courage to face these demons with the assurance I am not a bad or lazy person. Bless you all.

You know what, give yourselves a break! There is a positive side to isolation. It saves your family a lot of grief when you’re not going off the hook on them. It keeps you out of trouble and jail. You don’t lose the few friends you actually still have from yet another train wreck. The car is still in one piece. Your not dead and niether is anyone else. We all pay the price for this lovely little illness called bipolar time and again. I say it’s better to keep it to yourself sometimes by staying away from the world than to wreak your havoc on it! Yeah, I agree that it has it’s downfalls, it sucks and you lose a lot of valuable time “living”, but you know what, if it saves my children from some of the crap they have to go through, I can sacrafice. Besides, sometimes it the only thing that will keep you sane and safe. So like I said, give yoursevles a break, life will still be there when you do come back out from your hiding place. Eventually you do get up, take a shower, brush your teeth put some clean clothes on, your make-up and even brush your hair! Eventually you do step back into the world and it’s still there right where you left it, well maybe a little bit past where you left it but still there nonetheless. And even the laundry gets done sooner or later!

I like this discussion!

to act or not to act. Easy for me to stay home like a bear, unhappy cause i know it depends on me to take me outside,but so conforting in a way. Easy to swallow 2 clonazepam in the afternoon and sleep for 90 minutes…But also easy to always pay bills on time, be there for my volunteer work, cook for myself..is it character’trait or BP. I think it is a part of me. I tend to avoid life in some ways and then get very hard with me for that and other times i think it is because i am aging, trying to keep it smooth for my life…same time think i am wasting precious life. Doing that has the consequence of increasing small things to being very big and unmanageable. “I can’t and i won’t do that” Fears…So not working anymore, i have to schedule things for me:courses,volunteering, make list to do things..but then i can also easily sabotage my list and then think i am a nothing. I can feel sooo good if i get into action..after…Thank u Cheryetc for your soothing comment.

As a social worker, I came across the poignancy of posts while doing some research on maladaptive behaviors. I am considering writing on this subject in the hopes of enlightenment. As I see a new approach emerging, research points to the fact that these behaviors, intertwined with personality traits are open to change; they are triggered by the same process that drives addictions. We all experience these feelings of repeating ineffective or maybe even ingenuine (ie: that’s not the image I want to present to the world) responses – it is just a matter of degree. It seems that principles used to treat addictions may also impact on these negative, but somehow comfortable and “sticky” routines.
Would love to hear what others think!