Lifevirtues, a member of our forums, eloquently shares her fear of relationships, "Damn the social experience. It is a deceitful dynamic; we are perpetually befriending our enemies, and we inevitably hurt the ones we love. Whatever dialectic ideal exists is simply that - an ideal. Actuality does not allow for balance.
"How can I say it is wrong when it is all there is? This is humanity. I can avert my eyes, I can try to brush past those who attempt to ignite the social flame, but I can't deny nature. Connections kindle and grow, and someone is always burned in the process.
"I am scared to get close to people. Terrified, actually. I don't care if I get hurt by someone. I don't care if someone mentally or verbally abuses me, I don't care if someone betrays me. What frightens me is my potential to hurt others."
I hear you, Lifevirtues. But bipolar disorder isn't the common denominator for our potential to hurt others. Each of us can and usually will hurt the ones we love at one time or another. This is the human condition as you noted. However, two other important components of the human psyche are the ability to learn and to forgive. What do you guys think? ~Kimberly
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I can remember feeling that way. I grew up in an alcholic home and found a help getting involved in Alanon or ACOA (Adult Children of Acholics). These meetings can be for anyone affected by another’s addiction and the 12 Steps are a super way to live life.
The reason that I say this is because, I’m wondering if (like me) didn’t have healthy boundaries in my relationships (it was either all or nothing) and I got burned a lot. Now through working the 12 Steps, I’ve learned about my own relationship patterns that were setting me up for hurt. It’s hard to explain in this short spot but if you grew up in a home where there was addiction, you may find the help I did through the 12 Step Program. Yes, I’m bipolar it the program really helps me to make balanced choices.
Relationships yicks–
They used to be so easy when I was manic and drinking. I had billions of friends. When we all went our separate ways after high school and college I would visit them they would visit me. I started dating late (19) and that was very uncomfortable. I did have a partner for 8 years but most of it revolved around drinking and partying.
Now…I have been without a significant other in my life for 15 years, am an alcohlic and going to AA, diagnosed with bipolar 1 1/2 years ago and been hospitalized 3 times in the last 2 years. I have burned many bridges with my faithful friends and seem to be at a loss as to ways I can even blend into society more.
I go through cycles of doing well and feeling like crap. Right now I am in an upswing and feeling like I am making more aquantinces… but no real friends. I have dated a bit but have been very disappointed. Soon to be 46 I feel doomed to live the rest of my life alone with my dog. I work hard to turn that thinking around but I look back at the last 25 years and am very uncertian of the next 25.
Jo, Bev I understand where you both are coming from, I’ve been single for many years. One fear of rejection, noise and light sensitivity coupled with living with BiPolar Disorder.
So since I dint watch tv, that alone leaves me out in the ‘cold’ when it comes to relationships, my home looks like a small library. I live in my head.
I responded with a comment on Facebook. I believe it to be worth reading.
i’ll free flow for a sec. I don’t even know if my mdoc has renewed my lithium script yet. I know it’s cause I need a lithium blood syrum test, but….the paperwork hasn’t been sent to the lab. They must be swamped at the Med Center. I have had emotional upheaval and axiety together. It felt like a ‘mixed state’. A horrible feeling, and a predecessor to depression. Please give me my Lithium. I’ve been have having trouble relating to some of the people that I need to deal with. I am very socially awkward now that I’m in my 50’s. I was not this way as a young person. My Mom said she changed too.
In recent years, I experienced alot of jealousy. I really surprized myself when I felt petty feelings that would come around again and again.
About five months ago I joined an on-line dating service. I do care about being abused, hurt, used, etc. and after I went through about three hurtful relationships, I began to read the profiles of the men who were “interested” in me. They all have one word they throw around “integrity.” I can’t blame bipolar disorder on every wrong thing I do, but I started to address their “requirements” for women. They were over-the-top, unrealistic, impossible, etc. One man said that his woman must look good in sexy lingerie so of course I had to email him and ask him if HE looked good in sexy lingerie. Another man told me that he knows within five minutes if there is chemistry between himself and woman. I asked if I should bring my timer when we met. What I began to do was pick fights with men. I told the chemistry guy that if he knows within five minutes if there is chemistry, then what he’s looking for is a sexual encounter and not a relationship. My job is not to pick on men or do verbal battle with them either. I got off the site but I put myself back on – not because I’m gong to meet anybody because I don’t believe I will. I put myself back on to learn how to be cordial and non-confrontational and civil. I’m not afraid of relationships because of this disease. That’s letting the disease take over your life and potential to find love. I’m not going to let this bipolar disease win and keep me from life.
I have had relationship problems as far back as I can remember. My dad was emotionally abusive, as were my 2 husbands, and then a boyfriend of 3 years who abused me beyond belief and is way too much for here. Then I met my current fiance. He must be from somewhere other than this world. I met him in the deepest darkest abyss of depression I have ever been in, and was just starting ECT treatments. We have been together for 2 and a half years, I have put him through hell and back, yet he still loves and supports me and has never abused me in any way. To this day I don’t believe he is real.
You may find a particular venue of increasing understanding of precisely these issues to be valuable, that being a work of literature on this subject. I refer to my recently released biographical novel, Broken Saint. It is based on my forty-year friendship with an exceptionally bright bipolar man, and chronicles the intense internal and external struggles of his often troubled life as he battles for stability and acceptance (of himself and by others). More information is available at http://www.eloquentbooks.com/BrokenSaint.html or authorautobahn.webs.com/bookpeek.htm.
I am no longer a “fan” or member on facebook for the bipolar about.com, since there was an article saying the ‘mentally ill’ cannot or should not serve in the military. This is a separate subject.
I do have issues with relationships, yes, particularly romantic and most importantly my husband. He is also a difficult man in his own ways but keeping on my part, I suppose it is difficult to be close to someone and there is the trust issue.