Then I went on antidepressants. Oops! Started talking again, but then went down in a blaze of glory. Hospital for two months, lots of new meds, etc. However, that's when I was properly diagnosed, met other people who had BP, doctors who at times knew what they were talking about, and I came out much clearer as to what I had. It was also a great relief finally putting a finger on what had been going on all those years.
It took at least 10-11 med changes over the next year and a half before I found a mix that works. During that time I decided to go back to school and finish my degree - B.A. My first class was dreadfully difficult. I couldn't work, I couldn't do anything, but study and restudy and restudy until I kept some information for the class in my head. I was on disability at the time, so that helped keep some food in my tummy. The Department of Rehabilitation paid for the class.
Somehow I made it through that one, and then took two more ... then two more, etc. My brain started really functioning again - better than in years! I found myself able to keep cogent thoughts in my head and put them to use. This doesn't mean I didn't have lapses, but I always made sure to tell my professor ahead of time that I had a brain disorder, so I was allowed to push a few assignments and exams until my brain settled down. Either way, I did all the work, made straight As and have now completed 33 credits and will finally graduate! Well, I have one exam left on Monday.
I was an idiot this semester, taking 3 classes and working full-time. (I started working for the first time in 2 years!) I highly suggest that no one attempt that one. The fact that I didn't fall apart is very exciting to me, but I pushed my body and mind to the absolute limit. I'd no intention of testing myself to see how hard I could work until I'd break. However, miraculously I didn't.
I've been med compliant from day 1, which helped me through this as well. Not that I've never questioned the meds, or the fact that I'd like to do without them, but my life is so much different, so much better now, I'd not risk losing that. Yes, I went through a long time of feeling uncreative on them. I still have difficulty crying at anything, but I have seen tears and it still beats crying for hours at a time.
As to what I think is normal? Nothing. Everything we do is part of us. It's normal not to feel creative when we're adjusting to meds or too many meds. It's normal to cry for hours when we're off balance. It's normal to do well when we're in balance, it's normal to be angry, sad, happy, desperate, giving, and understanding. We are who we are, let no one take that away from us. Is there pride in being Bipolar? I don't know. Is there pride in having a huge nose or a missing limb? Maybe not. But there is pride in yourself as a person - not necessarily in some of the things you do. There is pride in strength, there is pride in acceptance, and there is pride in doing the best you can with what you've got at the time.
It's been a long, long road, as it is for most of us. I've learned so much about myself over the past few years. I've let go of a great deal and have gained a great deal. I thank all of you who have been writing on this site. I rarely wrote in, but gained a great deal of insight from you.
Thank you so much. I continue to hope the best for all of us.
Guides' Note: This article originally appeared as a post on our Forums. Greatly encouraged and enthusiastic about Sandra's success, we asked for permission to publish this so that others may be as inspired.
