Telling an individual to not injure themselves is both aversive and condescending. SI is a way of coping for some people, a final attempt to relieve emotional pain. Many SI'ers wouldn't hurt themselves if there was another way. And even though there are negative effects, they keep on doing it, which shows that often it is necessary for their survival. By making even the most casual of comments indicating that the SI'er should stop this behavior, you risk damaging your "relationship" with the person and any communication you might have opened. The SI'er will continue to hurt him/herself as long as he/she feels it's necessary - whatever you say will not stop this - and the amount of secrecy and shame surrounding the behavior will grow.
Also, some people who self-injure actually hurt themselves even more in reaction to demands that they stop their behavior. By imposing your limits on another, you create the potential for failure. Thus, some who self-injure will increase their SI behaviors in order to feel that they have a choice about and control over these actions.
Do Recognize the Severity of the Person's Distress
Most people don't hurt themselves out of curiosity to feel what it's like. They do it because they are in emotional pain and it is the only way they feel they can cope. This may be difficult for you to understand, but it is important for you to recognize the extreme amount of emotional pain that SI'ers are in.
One reason that some people self-injure is that they want to change internal pain to something external that they can treat. Wounds can be symbols for pain and suffering. How much you understand the SI'ers pain and how much you empathize appropriately will make communication with them better. Don't be afraid to talk about the subject of emotional pain. This way the SI'er can talk about their internal suffering, rather than express it through hurting themselves.
Do Get Help With Your Own Reactions
Sometimes, talking with someone who self-injures affects us so profoundly that we have to get help to deal with our own reactions. You might find getting help for someone else's problem strange but remember this: the behaviors of others can have a profound effect on you. This effect is further strengthened by the mysteriousness, secrecy, and misconceptions about SI. Asking for help may be a very hard thing for you to do. Remember that the self-injurer had the same problem. So do what they did: ask for help if you need or want it. If you are in chat, find a host, chat assistant or your friends to talk to (remembering confidentiality, of course). Away from chat, talk to an appropriate and trustworthy person who can help you deal with your issues.
More Resources
- Self-Injury Links Library
- Self-Injury Folder on the Bipolar Complications Forum
