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from Alysynn
Does anyone else have a major problem with cutting? I have been in therapy for 5 years and this problem seems to be getting worse and worse. I'm scared of myself because of it. Lately it has gotten me hospitalized. How can I stop?? Does anyone understand?
More from Alysynn
I do dissociate when I cut but not always.
I cut to focus my mind when my thoughts are racing.
I cut to make physical what I feel emotionally.
I cut to see blood because I really like it.
I don't like to cut and yet I'm not sure I can give it up.
from Chocolate
I am embarrassed how I feel and it is hard to explain to someone that there really is no reason why I cry. I am obsessing over the thoughts of death and I can't help thinking it couldn't be any worse than what I am going through now. I am scared of myself, scared of what I am capable of. I have a problem with cutting and I am scared I will take it too far again. I have tried before.
from Jen
I know what you're going through - I sometimes cut myself too. God that's hard to admit to - it sounds insane doesn't it? I did it when I felt my most depressed - when I felt so removed from this world that I didn't even feel real anymore. I think I cut myself because I wanted to feel pain - because feeling anything, even pain, would mean that I was alive and real and living in this world, and not fading into the background.
from Judy
I am a cutter. When things get out of hand I usually will take a knife or box blade and cut on my arms or legs. Sometimes I just use my fingernails. It seems to bring me out of a euphoric fog. Things are bearing down on me and I seem to be in some other plane and can't touch base. But when I cut myself it seems to bring some order or reality to the whole situation. I have scars up and down in the inside of my arms and legs.
from Lori
On Friday I cut my arm up kind of bad. It was not to kill myself although at times I wish I didn't have to live because where I am presently at I feel I will never be able to make it better. I just felt so lonely and sad, hopeless, helpless, and avoided. It was kind of like a release for me. I have never done that before.
from Opparker
I lost it and then felt like cutting. I've never felt that way before. I wanted to inflict pain on myself to prove that I was human and alive ... I wanted to cut so bad, it scared me. I just picked at myself instead, but it didn't satisfy my need for pain. I still feel like I need to do it, but am staying busy.
from Pattie
My loved one would cut herself because she was hurting inside and had no other way to show emotions. She needed to feel the pain. She could not cry. When she did these things, she was in another personality - a bad personality. She did not know she was doing this until she came back to being someone else.
from a poem by Tara
I want to know why I see myself dead or dying every day, and sometimes wish it were so.
I want to know why I'm fascinated by the idea that I can control my own destiny with the slash of a blade to my wrists.
from Wonder
I just wanted you to know that I *do* understand. When I was in high school, I used to cut on my wrist. I wore a black knitted wristband to cover the scars/wounds. I was halfway hoping my parents would notice, and get me some help, but they never did.
Then the urge to hurt myself went away for a long time, during my second marriage. This was during a long period of hypomania, punctuated by a few episodes of depression. But the hypomanic mood was predominant, and I simply didn't have the urge to hurt myself.
Then depression settled in, and I started a long round of hospitalizations and medications and all the stuff that goes with that. One day I couldn't take it any more, I hated myself so badly, I felt there was no one to talk to, and I felt like I would burst with overwhelming *feelings* if I didn't cut myself. So I started cutting again, using razors and such. One day I scraped for a long time with a dirty steak knife, and wound up having to go to the hospital because it got infected. I was so embarrassed. But that didn't stop me.
What really got me started again was when I started to drink. I would be alone, in the dark, no one to talk to again, and too ashamed to call my psychiatrist. I started using every evening drinking and burning myself with cigarettes. I created a huge burned area on my left arm, which also became infected. But I didn't go to the hospital for it; I went to the hospital because of suicidal thoughts, and the infection was treated at the same time.
