The next two years were crazy. I had a job where I worked 100+ hours a week. During the rest of my time, I partied, drinking, staying out all night until I passed out. One week, I decided I was bored with my life so I packed up all of my things in a U-haul, left my job, my friends, my great home and moved to Colorado where I knew no one, had no job and no place to live. My life was full of impulsive decisions like that. Thankfully, I was able to find a place to live, start a new job, and make the beginnings of friendships in a short time. Life was good.
I pretty much crashed 6 months later (had stopped Zoloft when I moved). That deep depression, worsening SI, and good insurance led me to seeing one of the area's leading psychiatrists. What I had called crazy was now labeled mania. Officially, I was bipolar.
Since then, I have been on countless med cocktails. At one point, I was taking 7 different meds. I would say on average I quit my meds twice a year, always thinking I could overcome my symptoms with a strong will and good coping skills. But bipolar I with psychotic features and mixed states does not respond to the strongest of wills. I had some horrid times where I took out my frustrations with not being well on other people. I can't pretend I am glad I went through those hard times. I can say, however, that I gleaned from them many things that make me a better person, chat room member and host. If someone mentions that they are considering going off their medications, I can speak from personal experience to tell them, sincerely, why it is probably not a good idea. I am better at recognizing my own feelings and acting upon them in an appropriate manner. I learned how to better express myself and how to relate to others. I more often notice new chat members, as well as those who may be having difficulties but are afraid or too shy to speak up, and try to reach out and let them know we do care and will help them. Finally, I am more attuned to uncharacteristic behaviors and statements from regular room members which often tacitly express pain and/or anger, and offer my assistance.
My goal is to make the chat room a safe place for everyone. Through sharing my experience with eating disorders, self injury, bipolar, borderline personality disorder, anxiety and PTSD, I hope to help those with similar issues and connect with them to make them feel welcome and accepted in our chatroom.
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