Paul is not only the author of Dear World: A Suicide Letter, a book which came to my attention more than a year ago, but also is a stand-up comedian, performing on stages across the United States and Canada for the past fifteen years. Using his sometimes "politically incorrect" humor and profound insight, Paul raises awareness of many of life's problems through laughter.
Paul is also a talented singer/songwriter and has written many songs which have touched the lives of all who have listened to them. He works side by side with several non-profit organizations and has donated his music and his talent not only to raise awareness, but also to help these organizations raise the funds to stay in existence. Paul's music can best be described as "music with a message."
In Dear World: A Suicide Letter, Paul shares his personal battle with his "bipolar demon."
Bipolarsurvivor.com is Paul's website and was created as an adjunct to Dear World. Its purpose is to educate and inform not only individuals with bipolar disorder but also the families and friends who suffer from this illness.
I caught up with Paul one afternoon and we spoke about bipolar disorder and his book, Dear World: A Suicide Letter.
ELECTROBOY: Paul, when did you realize that you were really in a crisis?
PAUL JONES: When I actually sat down to write my suicide letter. I was in such a deep depression that I could not seem to see any future for myself other than pain. I had just come off the road as a stand-up comic about a year and a half earlier, and at this point I was trying to find something that I could do with my life. I went back to working with my brothers, mainly because I would have some freedom while working there. I was struggling every day with the pain of my illness to the point of not being able to think about anything else but ending my life every second of the day. It was very hard for me to get any work done. Oddly, I managed to function. I was unhappy with every aspect of my life. I was ignoring my children, my wife and my family and became consumed with ending my life.
ELECTROBOY: And were you seeking any type of mental health counseling at that time?
PAUL JONES: Yes, at that point I had already seen both a psychologist and a psychiatrist, but to no avail. Both of them tried to point the blame for my illness to events of the past as well as on my parents, and I just couldn't understand this. At one point I asked if this illness was perhaps a chemical imbalance of the brain. Ultimately, I began relying on my family doctor and to this day that is who treats my illness.
ELECTROBOY: How long had you been suffering with manic depression?
PAUL JONES: I can trace my earliest memories of manic depression back to about the time I was eleven years old. As a small child I don't really think there was much thought given to my illness by family except for, "Oh well, that's Paul." I have always been very creative, and I really think that my family just thought that a lot of my behavior was due to this fact more than anything. As far as the depression goes, I had never shared my thoughts with anyone when I was young, and as a matter of fact, I did not share the thoughts and the depression with anyone until around the age of 32. I was scared that people would think that I was crazy.
ELECTROBOY: Why did you start thinking about suicide? How hopeless were you?
PAUL JONES: I can honestly tell you that I have no idea why I starting thinking of suicide. It is such a weird thing to think about, especially when your life is going so well. I had a great life as a child. I have one of the best women in my life that one could ever ask for, I have three great children and I made people laugh for a living, so as for why the thoughts of suicide, it all just came down to pain, I suppose. The depression was so painful that all I wanted was for it to end. I felt that killing myself would end it. As for being hopeless, for a person with so much good in his life, I felt so hopeless as far as being able to make the pain stop that suicide was constantly in my thoughts. I'd say that is pretty hopeless.
ELECTROBOY: I'd have to agree. Did you actually sit down and write a suicide letter? Is that what Dear World is?
PAUL JONES: Dear World is nothing more than my suicide letter. It was never meant to be anything else but that. I went to work one day with the full intent of never returning home again.
