PAINT ME

by Spectrum03

Paint me red and yellow, orange EXPLODING!!!!!
Racing, tearing, crazy, fearless!!! Tireless!
Paint my face relentlessly pursuing visions that
Do not exist
Paint my face like Munch's scream! Not scared
But wired! Ecstatic! I am superwoman! I can fly!
Paint me an eagle soaring ! A mustang running!
A dolphin jumping!!
I am free! No one can stop me! I am invincible!

Paint the others scared but paint me unaware……
Paint me at my peak, atop the hill…….
Paint
Me
Sliding
Down
Down
Down
Into a pit. Thud!
I try to walk.
what is happening????
I am HEAVY!!!!!
Ponderous
Trudging through mud
oh god
Who is this? Who am I?
I can't get up
Wake up! Wake up! I can't!
Go away! Leave me alone
I want to die
I can't do anything I am useless
The world has passed me by
I am too slow
Can't keep up
Any more

Paint me black and gray and purple
With gaunt face and sunken eyes
A gothic face on a heavy frame
What is this
Why am I so heavy and slow
Why can't I hear-wait!!! Yes!!! I can!!
Voices in my head…music!!! Why???

Paint me resigned in beige and blue
On a pdocs couch
Telling him what he wants to hear
So I can get the hell out of there
Pill pushing pdoc, getting rich
Off my misery....try this and this and this and this!
I am not a person…I am a guinea pig,
A pharmacy
With chemical blood and battling brain
Limping through life, trembling, tired
Going through the motions
Pretending to live.

Paint me alone in my own place
Alone.
By choice.
I am green here.
It is safe, I can be me, I can breathe.
I have many loved ones, many friends
But I cannot be with them when I'm like this
They feel so helpless .....what do I do?
Oh pressure!!!!

Paint me yellow as I withdraw within myself
To converse with the only person who really understands
Me.
Myself.

Paint me- as a rainbow-clueless and confused,
What is happening?
And why???
I only want things to be the way they were before
the spectrum turned to mono
And the brain began to fade…….

COME BACK!

Spectrum03 is a member of our Bipolar Disorder community, and originally posted this poem on our Forum.