Bipolar Is ... A Nasty Ride

Bipolar disorder is a nasty ride. I am a rapid cycler who has only very occasional good hypomania. Usually it is the negative variety since I have been on meds. I have dark, dark lows where I cry for no reason but people think I am fine. I have anger that I can barely control some days, and without the meds I couldn't control it on those days. I know. I have had those days, too.

I feel like my life has been stolen since I started meds. I don't know who I am anymore because I feel so different and sometimes don't feel at all. I have no motivation. I am on disability, so I stay home. I clean the house usually once a week. I cook dinner every night (well, almost - if I am really bad we order out), and I volunteer one day a week at an elementary school. But that is such a small amount compared to what I was like before I was medicated that I resent the difference. I used to have a very demanding job and was an effective single mom to two boys. I used to rescue dogs, have friends over to do things with and generally have a very full life. Now it seems very empty, so I feel robbed.

I feel frustrated because I am coming up on two years of medication trial and error without finding the right combination. I have been a stellar patient: no booze, no street drugs, meds on time every time. I do my best to get my sleep (although some nights it just won't happen), exercise, and take flaxseed oil and multivitamins.

I also have OCD, PTSD, fibromyalgia and lupus, so I get some drug interactions occasionally and have to get things sorted out between my psychiatrist and medical doctor.

I am angry that my family has to deal with this. My husband and I have been married less than four years, and I have been diagnosed less than two. He got a raw deal, and he feels that way as well and lets me know it in subtle ways. My kids got a raw deal when they got to witness my psychotic breakdown that led to my diagnosis. My youngest is also BP. I am sorry for what lies ahead for him. I am hoping science will continue to advance and he will have it easier than me. I really pray for that. They also have lost the mom they knew who was active and up for just about anything as long as her lupus wasn't active. They have both commented on this. My poor stepkids didn't have much of a summer this year while they were down here because I couldn't stay outside long and was cycling too much to have planned activity with them every day. I am sorry that my mom has had to do a suicide watch on me. I know that hurt her deeply.

I am going to continue the med hunt a while longer and see if I can get a part of me back or at least get to like the me I've become on all these meds. I think part of the problem is that I have switched meds so often I haven't had time to get used to how I feel and react, and because none of them have worked yet. Maybe when I find the right combination and get stabilized, I can get to know who I am all over again.

Written 10/13/02