There's at least one episode of Monty Python's Flying Circus where a sketch starts, quickly goes the wrong way, and a gong sounds followed by a weary, slightly disgusted voice saying, "Start again." In my memory it seems like someone gets hit over the head with a giant mallet, too, but maybe that's just the way I think it should be.
Right now I feel as if the giant mallet has whacked me, but there's no gong and no voice.
And I want to start over.
I want to go clear back to about 1995, when Prozac was not working as well as it first did, and demand that my doctor switch me to another drug right away. Or at least go back to the point where I gained the first few Prozac Pounds, and get rid of the wretched medication then and there. If I could start again, I would definitely NOT quit smoking (was that 1999?) which led to another 20-pound gain. I'd do my damnedest to assure that my weight stayed between 125 and 135 pounds.
I am so discouraged.
In May I spent over $700 to join a monitored 12-week weight loss program. I've spent at least another $1500 on special shake powders, nutrition bars and supplements. I've stayed away from white carbohydrates like rice and potatoes completely, and had very little pasta and almost no baked sweets.
The 12 weeks have just ended, and I lost - two pounds. My blood pressure, triglycerides and cholesterol (total, LDL and VLDL) all went up. HDL, the good cholesterol, went down. The only thing that is improved at all is that my fasting blood sugar went from 97 to 91. Big deal. The doctor in charge says the SSRI's probably contributed a lot to my failure.
It works out to over a thousand dollars a pound.
I've done my crying. Now, feeling sort of shocked and numb, I have to decide what to do next.
What is my baseline?
Yesterday I told my psychiatrist that I want to dump all my meds except what helps me sleep. I realized I don't know any more, after five years and 50-odd meds in countless permutations, whether any of them are doing anything for me. The only way to find out is to go off all but essential meds - the ones for sleep, cholesterol, high blood pressure and chronic pain.As thrilled as I was to go off Topamax (see Brain Fog), I haven't slept right since. We tried Gabitril, which the doctor said showed great results in promoting delta sleep, but it did not work for me - even along with my old faithful Trazodone and a doubled dose of Ativan. So starting tonight Gabitril stops, Ativan goes back to 1 milligram, and I add a low dose (25 mg) of Topamax. If I'm okay in a week, I'm to call him about dropping Wellbutrin next.
Hopefully I've learned enough over the past several years to be able to continue functioning well on the job. If I'm a wreck at home, well, it won't be much different than it is now. For months and months I've been fine at work and depressed the rest of the time, because (I think) I'm conditioned by years of experience to put on a good attitude at the office.
I can't start over. But I can make a fresh start. The alternative is to retreat into complete apathy - and I'm not going to go there without a fight.
Start again.
