Depression is gut wrenching. It's heartbreaking. Depression is the cancer in my soul. I can actually feel the hole in my soul when sick. You can feel it take over. It has its own taste and smell.
I don't care if it sounds like I'm on the pity pot or whining. I'm just so damn tired of feeling sad. I'm tired of feeling lost and alone even though I'm surrounded by loving people. I'm tired of the fight. The darkness has won. Like it always wins.
I'm tired of having to hide the sadness because I can't bear for the world to see how depressed I really am. It's even hard to come before this community and ask for support. I so much want to always be there for each of you. Strong and able. In this position I am weak and vulnerable.
I don't get it either. I'm med compliant. I see my pdoc (psychiatrist) regularly. I walk on most days. I adhere to a regular sleep schedule. I keep myself on a fairly decent diet. And for all this compliancy, why the hell am I still getting depressed? You know, it's that infamous million dollar question.
Tired of eating pills and waiting to see if they will work. Tired of living from pdoc to pdoc appointment. Tired of crying and sobbing. Tired of knowing that life is passing me by and I can never recapture those moments again.
All I ask here is to please hold on to me tight and don't let me plunge to never never land. And please God, don't let this depression last for two years...like they so often do.
Oh yeah and my pdoc knows that I feel this terrible and I just started on some new drugs. I'll never give up my hope.
