Respect Me and Love Me for Who I Am

When we asked our forum members to define helpful and supportive behavior, Becky wrote this:

I did not ask to be born with this. People don't ask to be born blind, deaf or autistic. No one asks to be diagnosed with cancer. Treat me the same way that you would treat someone with a chronic illness.

On the days that I have my lipstick on my lips, my hair is combed and I am wearing perfume, comment on the fact that I look good. Stop telling me that I need to gain weight or that I look tired or pale or too thin.

I have an anxiety/panic disorder that prohibits me from eating when I am stressed out. I cannot help that I cannot eat ... if I do I will throw up. Please respect that.

When I say that I want to be left alone, I mean it. Don't start calling all the relatives in the family to start calling the house or driving by. I have a day about every other month where it is my "mental health" day and I just want to sit on the couch in my sweats and watch 900 cable channels ... even if it is watching Leave It To Beaver in Spanish.

Take into consideration that I am raising two children on my own along with working full time ... something that a normal person would find challenging. Try doing it with bipolar disorder!

Educate yourself about my illness. "There but for the grace of God go I" should be a thought that you carry with you. If you don't know about the disease, ask me. I will tell you. Don't assume and don't believe every movie that you watch on Lifetime. I am no more prone to take you and your kids hostage than your minister would be.

Treat me with respect and love me for who I am. I will probably be on medication for the rest of my life. Those who have been fortunate enough to be able to get off of it and live normally are blessed, but it doesn't happen to everyone.

Don't make fun of me if I go to support groups or I visit this forum or I journal. It helps me to stay normal.

Just understand that at times I don't understand myself ... so you need to understand that and respect it. Just understand that I am trying to do the best that I can with what I have, and it's all about taking it one day at a time -- no matter how good or bad those days might seem.

--by Becky, About.com Bipolar forum member

The Take-Home Message

Criticism when a person is depressed might only deepen the depression. And Becky makes a good point about criticizing her when she is actually feeling better. Suppose you met up with a sister who has no chronic illness but is overweight, wearing a lovely dress, careful and attractive makeup, and well-styled hair. She looks great except for being too heavy. Would the first thing you say be, "Gee, you really need to lose some weight"? I hope not! A person with an illness is no different. When he or she is having a good day, and has made the effort to look good, notice that.

Becky also reminds us that many people with bipolar disorder also have other conditions as well -- in her case, panic/anxiety disorder. This makes it even more important for family members to educate themselves not just about bipolar disorder, but about the individual in their family who has it. As others in this "How Family Can Help" series have emphasized, each person with BP is unique.

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