You Can Help By Showing You Care

Speaking from Experience

We asked our forum community to tell us what they need from their family members -- to define "supportive" behavior. Procrastina wrote this:

Treat me correctly -- by realizing that sometimes I am vulnerable and don't feel that joke you made at my expense was funny, and if I tell you that, apologize and move on -- don't justify your behavior. Sometimes when I'm hypomanic, I will laugh when you do that.

If I'm hypo, don't anger me. You have learned that dance pretty well. Don't worry. I'm OK. If I get too high, then yes, feed me the Seroquel and call the pdoc. You know what to do. And I appreciate that you're looking after me.

Supportive -- is that you don't know how I feel, and you never will. I don't need a reason to be depressed. I can't "snap out of it." I need you to treat me with a lot of care. Reflective listening, so I know you are listening, is a help. Give me gentle hugs without sex on your mind (it's NOT the right time for that). If I'm huddled in bed, a mug of hot chocolate/iced tea would be nice, showing you care. Little things mean a lot.

In my case, making me get out of the house usually makes me feel better.

Don't ask, "Did you take your meds?" If I decided not to, I probably wouldn't tell you.

--by Procrastina, About.com Bipolar forum member

The Take-Home Message:

The core of what Procrastina has said is that recognizing patterns in behavior and knowing how best to respond to them shows that you care. You may learn what to do in each case by trial and error, and you may sit down with your loved one when he or she is in a stable state and just ask. The important thing is to be observant -- to learn what the repeated patterns are, and what reactions from you made things better or worse. Write them down. Learn them by heart. Both you and your loved one will benefit.

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