Abe said nothing at all. I couldn't even be sure that he was listening.
"That damn rabbit would put a carrot in his mouth, and use it to pry open the cage door. Most amazing damn thing I've ever heard of an animal doing."
"Being in this place sort of makes you feel like a caged rabbit." Abe said softly. "I'll probably die in this cage just like Snickers."
"You know it's not being in this place that makes you feel like a caged rabbit, it's having this disease that has caged your mind. I know what it's like to feel trapped in the never-ending cycle that always ends with a paralyzing depression. You've just got to find your carrot and set yourself free. I'm still looking for mine ... it wasn't but two nights ago that I tried to end my life."
"Maybe you were just trying to escape from your cage, and I think that at this point it's my only way to set this damn diseased mind free." Abe was finished speaking, and I could tell that not one thing I said would make a difference at this point, because I had been there and I knew all too well the stubbornness of suicidal ideology. Abe reached into his tobacco bag and pulled out a six -inch pocketknife. My heart jumped in my chest. He opened the blade and stirred his pipe with it. The nurses must not have bothered to check his tobacco bag when he was admitted. The finely honed blade gleamed brightly with the reflection of the moon's light. Abe took another puff from his pipe and placed the pocketknife in his pants pocket. My mind was scrambling, searching for something to say. I was beginning to feel the sedative effects of my medicine and I knew tonight I was going to be on suicide watch.
Break time was ended and we all walked carefully up the backstairs, heavily medicated and ready for bed. I was determined to fight off the desire to pass out, so I went to the kitchenette area and poured myself a cup of strong coffee that had probably been brewing since this morning. Abe followed me into the kitchenette and grabbed his leftover plate of vegetables from the fridge. The cafeteria aide punched in the security code and walked into the Unit 3 ward. The kitchen staff were running late tonight, and he had come to retrieve the cart of empty supper trays. Abe must have been feeling the effects of his night meds because he stumbled into the moving cart and the wheel ran over his right foot as it was being pushed out of the open door. Carrots, celery, and tomato slices went flying through the air and fell on the floor and outside the door. The cafeteria aide quickly apologized as Abe began picking up the mess around the door and in the open hall.
Coffee in hand, I stopped at the nurse's station and asked Shirley if I could talk with her privately. She agreed and I stepped behind the desk and whispered to her softly so as not to be heard by anyone else, especially Abe.
"Shirley, can you keep a very careful eye on Abe tonight. He's been acting very strangely and I think he might try something," I said.
"Is this about that damn rabbit of his? ... listen I am the only nurse here tonight and we only have two aides. Once again we're under-staffed and I don't have time to baby-sit for one patient when I have 35 to take care of. I gave him his Seroquel at 8:30 pm so he'll probably go to sleep at anytime."
I wasn't very comforted by this, so I walked into my room and found Abe lying on his bed with his arm over his eyes. I flicked on the light for my side of the room and sat at the edge of the bed. I tried to sit with my legs crossed Indian style so I would be too uncomfortable to fall asleep. After an hour of this, my legs grew numb so I stood up, stretched, and popped my knuckles loudly. Abe hadn't moved an inch. Maybe Shirley was right. Maybe he fell asleep and would wake up tomorrow feeling good again. I rested my legs and back and laid down in bed, feeling a little more at ease. At 11:00 pm, Shirley came into the room and told me I had a phone call from my wife. I walked reluctantly out into the hall and picked up the community phone. She was calling to apologize for not being here for me. I knew how important her job was to her so I consoled her by saying that I'd be just fine. It wasn't far from the truth either. I had actually been feeling alot better since my mid-morning dip. We talked for about half an hour and I felt re-energized. I'd go back to my room and try reading for a while.
