The Sarcasm Diet

Sometimes the fact that it can be SO HARD to lose the weight packed onto our frames by bipolar disorder medications erupts into frustration. After all, we were meant to be thin, right? Our thanks to Brigid, who has expressed her frustration in a dose of wry humor that may be just what we all need now and then.

Aren't we all sick of the fad diets that tell us conflicting facts about what to eat? Some say sugar is bad, some say it's good. Some say wheat will add pounds, some say it will take it off.

So I made up my OWN little diet. See if you can follow it.

1. Avoid coffee! If you must drink it, use sugar only, no cream. If you must use cream, this is okay because cream contains no real fat, just the kind that adds pounds to your hips.

2. Drink lots of water. Tap water is best, but if you must drink bottled water, do 60 extra sit-ups per day because bottled water contains an enzyme that produces more cellulite to the abdomen.

3. Eat only unprocessed wheat bread. The bleaching of wheat will make you gain weight because the people who do the actual bleaching are from mountainous areas in Egypt and their influence in Western culture contributes highly to weight gain among Caucasian, Hispanic and some Native American people.

4. When working out, breathe deeply between exertions. Not TOO deeply, because really deep breaths may cause undue strain on the heart, thus causing the lungs to use more blood to process each breath, thus taking away from the burning of actual calories. If you MUST breath deeply, picture a sun setting in the west, because the image of the sun causes weight loss in people of Irish/Navajo backgrounds. If you are neither Irish nor Navajo, imagine that you are and you will lose 2 extra pounds per week just for the effort.

5. Calories don't actually burn, they "toast." Excessive strain on the lower back will cause calories to burn, though, if exercise is being done on wooden floors, rather than linoleum, which is the prescribed surface for exercising, unless you live below the equator, in which case you may want to hold a wedge of lemon under your tongue.

6. Exercising with a friend is recommended, that is, unless the friend happens to be of a different religious background, in which case the calories that you burn, or "toast," will reappear in the form of fat that cannot be burned under any circumstances, unless the person you exercise with converts to your religion. In the case where neither of you are religious at all, please consult a physician.

7. Only weigh yourself during a full moon. If you step on the scale during a crescent moon, you are more likely to gain weigh AFTER stepping off the scale than if you had waited until the full moon. If your scale is digital, a full moon will not suffice. You will have to wait until summer solstice for a correct determination of weight gain or loss.

Remember, above all, weight loss is not about "losing weight." It is about getting the planets to line up in your favor until the second coming of Christ determines who gets to be skinny.

More Diet Tips