We've run out of hot dogs.
I know that doesn't sound like anything, but every day for lunch my mother has Progresso chicken barley soup and two hot dogs. Every day. And it's my job to make sure we have food on hand for all our meals. Having no hot dogs in the house symbolizes the greater problem that has occurred as the days continue to shorten and I've weaned myself from 400 mg of Seroquel to 200. I have no idea if the change in Seroquel dosage has anything to do with it, or if it's all because of the lack of light, or if it's something else. I just know I'm falling down on the job and don't seem to care.
You'd think after all these years of living with a mood disorder that I'd be able to put a label to my current mood easily at any given time. Yet right now, even though I can look at my behaviors and say yes, these definitely signify depression, I don't feel depressed.
Here are some of the behaviors I'm talking about:
- Saturday night is the night I refill Mom's pill box for the week. Today is Tuesday and I haven't done it yet, so four times a day I have to go through 16 bottles of pills to dole out the ones she needs to take.
- Every Sunday I update a web page on my free graphics site with a new background and a couple of links to good websites. I skipped it this week for the first time in months.
- We're not just out of hot dogs, we're out of lettuce and tomatoes - two of the things Mom obsesses about. And Cheez-Its. I can't live without Cheez-Its.
- Speaking of which, I kicked over an empty box of Cheez-Its the other day and spilled crumbs all over the floor. They're still there. I crunch through them occasionally.
- The last load of laundry I did two weekends ago is still sitting in the basket waiting to be put away.
- I didn't pay the bills last weekend.
- I ordered holiday cards a couple of months ago when I was feeling good. Mom went through and put address labels on all of them a couple of weeks ago. Now they are waiting for me to get stamps. Waiting and waiting ...
- I got wrapped up in computer games and played for hours on end. I think this is my version of pulling the covers over my head.
One thing that might be contributing to all this is that Mom's anxiety and confusion levels are very high. We had tried putting her on Wellbutrin for her depression and it made her very anxious. As of last Thursday she's off it, but Wellbutrin takes a long time to clear out of the system. I had to stay home with her almost all of last week and again yesterday because she was so agitated and upset. I don't think this is good for me. It seems like she asks me 30 times a day if she can get a new brain. On Sunday my brother and his family came over to put up Christmas decorations, and that evening she must have asked me a dozen times whether they all came, why they came, what we had for dinner, whether she went to church (no), and what she watched on television in the evening (I don't know, I wasn't there). I know I mustn't be impatient with her, but it's hard, hard, hard. I need to go to work. I need time away from Mom.
On top of that, she now has a hernia where her colostomy used to be, and I don't know where that's going to lead us. At least the hernia isn't giving her any pain.
Of course I am depressed. I'm always depressed this time of year! So what am I going to do about it?
- Admit it.
- Call my pdoc. Want to see if he thinks I should start taking the Lamictal samples he gave me at my last appointment. I did this. He'll call back.
- Go to work today. Mom is actually going out to a music club meeting this afternoon, so she won't be alone very long before I get home.
- Order groceries. We can survive until tomorrow morning without lettuce, tomatoes and hot dogs. Peapod can deliver tomorrow. I did this.
- Don't start another computer game (I finished one last night). Once I get started, I can't stop.
- Make a list and pick away at it. Start with washing my foul, filthy hair when I get home tonight. That alone should make me feel more positive.
Bah, humbug.
