Today it is exactly nine years since I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. This diagnosis made sense of things that hadn't fit with my prior diagnosis of depression. In particular, it explained the racing thoughts that plagued me in and out of depression. It also helped explain some past reckless behavior.
Today, after nine years of meds that worked, didn't work or stopped working, I am almost stable -- and in a good way. A big reason for that is Geodon (ziprasidone).
Geodon
Two weeks ago at my pdoc appointment I asked if I could try Geodon. I had three reasons: (1) Seroquel just had not taken care of the choir in my right ear, so I felt it was time to try a different antipsychotic. (2) A relative who has bipolar disorder switched to Geodon some months ago and is feeling fantastic on it. (3) Geodon doesn't have the weight-gain profile that Seroquel has.
Dr. Meyer started me on a very low dose -- half the usual beginning dosage -- without changing my Seroquel dosage, to find out how well I tolerated Geodon. If all went well, the medication plan would be to increase the Geodon dosage slowly while titrating Seroquel down. The medications I will continue are Lamictal (lamotrigine), Cymbalta (duloxetine) and trazodone (Desyrel).
After the first night's dose of Geodon, I woke up early, then went back to bed and slept for another five hours; I was groggy for three days. But since then I have more energy and focus AND am calmer. For example, the cats had been driving me nuts and I'd been snapping at them. Now I find it's only late in the evening that they annoy me -- right before the next dose of Geodon. And I've been much more productive in the last ten days -- which is a very good thing, given everything that's going on in my life.
Home - Past
My mother's house, where I have lived for 11 years, has to be sold. When I tell you it took my friend Jo and me an hour to clean out just two drawers of Mom's bureau, and 90 minutes to clean off the top of Mom's small desk in the kitchen, you'll get the idea of the challenge we are facing. Mom never threw away anything!
After over three months of intensive work, on Saturday or Sunday with Jo and many more days by myself, we've got the kitchen almost done, four of seven closets cleaned out, the sunroom tidied, all the garage sale stuff chosen (so far) boxed and moved to the garage, and almost ALL my unfiled papers sorted. But the garage sale is in ten days, and there is so much more to go through I don't know how we'll get it all done.
Fortunately for me, mementos are obvious. Even when I have to stop and think, "Do I want this?" I've made the decisions quickly. Not one single thing has caused me any anguish or even sentimental tears. (Is this because I'm still angry at Mom? I don't know.)
Well, there is one thing, but it's not a tangible item -- the 1965 recording of Mom singing the Mozart "Alleluia" that we played at her memorial service. Every time I listen I get goosebumps and sometimes a little sniffly at the end.
One of my brothers has taken all the things that need to be reviewed like photos, cassette tapes, videotapes, books, old letters and diaries, vinyl records, CDs, etc. That's a huge contribution to the effort. (If it were left to me, it would never be done.) My other brother and his wife, who live far away, are coming for the garage sale and to do heavy cleaning and other tasks. We hope to be able to put the house on the market by mid-June.
Home - Future
Selling Mom's house means I have to buy a new home. Or maybe I should say, I get to buy a new home. I'm so excited about this that I spend more time than I should looking at available houses online. I had my own houses in Des Moines, Iowa, from 1979 to 1997, and much as I loved living with Mom (up until the last 2½ years), I did feel the lack of "my" space. The only rooms in the house that were furnished by me were my bedroom, where I only sleep and dress, and the very small sunroom. Even my home office wasn't mine, because Mom's desk is here, too, and we sat back-to-back when she worked on her computer.
Now I get to have MY house again. And because this will most likely be the last home I ever buy, I am looking for my dream home -- on the water. I want to have a lake and woods view. I want to be able to fish from my back yard or in a rowboat, to float under the stars on an inflatable raft, as I do when doing visualized relaxation.
In the house, I literally dream about there is a large bedroom where the bed has a metal canopy frame slung with sheer white draperies. The same sheers are on the windows, gently blowing in the breeze. I don't know if I will go that far, but I do want the big bedroom.
I need a guest room big enough for a California King bed. I need an office. I need a climate-controllable room to raise plants from seed, preferably in a basement. I want an attached or attachable garage. I need room to do some gardening. I would love a whirlpool bath.
I know I'm fortunate. My inheritance will enable me to get a good house. I'm kicking myself, though, for all the reckless spending I've done over the last 11 years. I sure won't be able to do that anymore. I'm already restricting myself and it's hard, hard, hard. There is a natural perversity to feel an increased need to spend when you're on a tight budget. It's even tougher when you have a hypomanic tendency to spend a lot.
Geodon to the Rescue?
So much is going on! Cleaning out the house. Working my three part-time jobs. Daily housekeeping. Dealing with bills and financial issues regarding the estate. Geodon, even at half the recommended starting dose, has already done a lot to help me deal with all these tasks without feeling stressed and overwhelmed. I'm hoping an increased dose will help even more. Today, I have less energy and focus, and I think it means that my body and mind are ready for the next step up.
How well will I deal with things as the stressors continue to increase? I'll keep you up to date.
More on My Medications
• Geodon
• Seroquel
• Lamictal
• Cymbalta
• Trazodone
