by Marcia Purse
At the end of July I went off Seroquel altogether because I was obviously overmedicated: sleepy all the time and getting depressed. But since then I have slid down a sharp incline and have landed in a flat depressive episode that is having serious repercussions.
This is the worst depressive episode I've had in a long, long time. In fact, I can't remember having an episode like this since 1994, which was when I was first medicated for depression. At that time, I could do nothing but sit in my chair staring at the television feeling paralyzed, unable to do anything but feed myself occasionally and feel overwhelmed and anxious about everything I was not getting done. That's when I went on Prozac (fluoxetine) which made me feel wonderful, confident and decisive for a year, and then slowly quit working while making me gain a lot of weight (while research says Prozac usually doesn't affect weight, I do believe it's linked to my weight gain).
Just a few months ago, in June, I was extremely hypomanic. Then the downward slide started, as Geodon (ziprasidone) stopped giving me the energy and focus I had really enjoyed at first. My mood decline accelerated rapidly when we dropped Seroquel (quetiapine). Then 16 days ago, when our house finally sold for $149,000 less than our original asking price, I went into free fall and in half a day found myself unable to get near the computer, unable to pay bills, unable to do the work I get paid for -- unable to do anything but crochet.
I can't remember when I started crocheting, but it's been at least two months. I did it to keep myself from snacking when I was away from the computer. I found that it also cut down on the furious smoking I'd been doing for quite some time. It seemed like a great solution to a couple of problems.
But now all I do is sit and crochet and watch TV all day. That's it. I haven't gone near the computer till today, haven't even been reading email. I eat when I'm hungry -- usually whatever is easiest to fix. I'm neglecting all of my responsibilities. Unlike the 1994 episode where I was anxious all the time, this time I don't even care.
I've always been an activity-addictive personality type, which my psychiatrist told me was a form of OCD. At various times I've been hooked on computer games, reading, television, garden design and online role-playing over the past 12 years or so. Now I'm addicted to crocheting to the exclusion of everything else. My doctor says it's to avoid thinking about something else and I need to know what that is. I know it has to do with the sale of the house and moving -- but I do think about that. While crocheting I watch show after show on house hunting, decorating, renovating and organizing. Yet obviously the whole housing situation is the key, since it was selling this house that flung me from a gradual decline immediately into this flat, two-dimensional life.
I do believe something is still wrong with my meds. Geodon hasn't done a thing for the singing in my ear and has completely stopped giving me an energy boost. In fact, I think it has become sedating. My pdoc agrees and we decided to start tapering off Geodon and added back a very small dose of Seroquel.
Then he wanted me to bring all my crochet supplies and projects to his office and leave them there. I pounded on the arm of the chair saying NO WAY! Classic response, he said, in addiction. I told him I didn't care -- I was not going to do it.
What I committed to was working two hours for every one hour of crocheting during the workday hours. He required me to call his office when I started the two hours, when I finished them, and when I went back to working. This was a failure -- the first time I've ever broken a commitment to a therapist. The next day I worked two hours and was so exhausted that after nodding over crocheting for an hour, I just went back to bed for the rest of the day. The following day I didn't do any work at all.
And I didn't care. I don't care now. At least I've managed to finish writing this article. Now I'm going to go and crochet.
