by Marcia Purse
My last entry in this online journal was nearly two years ago. Many things have changed, but as the French proverb goes, plus ça change, plus ça même chose - that is, the more things change, the more they stay the same.
Medications
I'm currently taking the following:
- Celexa - 30 mg in the morning
- Serzone - 100 mg morning, 200 at dinner
- Trazodone - 25 mg at bedtime
- Lipitor (for cholesterol) - 10 mg at bedtime
- Naproxen - 550 mg twice a day as needed for fibromyalgia
- Lorazepam (Ativan) - as needed for anxiety or tension (infrequent)
- Fish Oil - 2 capsules morning and night
- Glucosamine Chondroitin for cartilage health - 2 capsules morning, 1 evening
- Coenzyme Q10 - 50 mg morning and night - good for heart health
- One low dose aspirin at night on days I don't take Naproxen
Fourteen months ago I took on a day job to help out a friend in need. It started as part-time, about 20-24 hours a week, but my hours quickly expanded as I saw how much work needed to be done, till I was working 9-5:30 most days. I really enjoyed this. After four years of being my own boss, the structure of regular hours turned out to be very good for me.
Another good thing about working with my friend was that she is a dedicated walker, so we walked every day after lunch, building up slowly to match my endurance till we got to half an hour a day. Yet after 8 months of this, I had lost only a couple of pounds. So in February, my resolve finally broke, and I started smoking again, convinced it would help me lose weight by curbing snacking. And I did lose a few more pounds - but it hasn't melted off as I'd hoped, and from two cigarettes a day I'm now up to about ten.
I went another long stretch without seeing my psychiatrist due to problems with an insurance company, but didn't do anything stupid this time, and since I have a steady income now, I can afford to see him on a more regular basis even if my insurance fouls up again.
In May, June and July of this year I was working 45-50 hours a week due to a software conversion project. Compounding the overwork problem was the fact that I had ordered over a thousand plants for this spring's garden. So I'd work from 9 to 6 - come home, eat dinner, then go straight outside and plant till dark. I did not finish planting until late June.
As you can imagine, I was exhausted. Yet I coped ... at least I thought I did. The day job got my best efforts, day in and day out. But my other responsibilities, besides the gardens, were seriously neglected. My home office was knee deep in paperwork, and bills that should have been paid got lost. Unread emails piled up by the hundreds in my inbox.
This was voluntary, not mandatory, overtime - and a few weeks ago, my friend and I talked it over and decided we had to stop or we'd make ourselves sick. Currently I'm still basking in the unfamiliar glow of having two-day weekends!
The more things change, the more they stay the same
What's changed? My diagnosis - from Bipolar I to Bipolar III or IV (depending on what you read) - depression with medication-induced hypomania. My employment situation - I still have my own freelance web design business, along with working the day job and being an About Guide. I have far less free time than I used to. I need to turn off the light at 10:30 and get up at 7:00. And I'm getting regular exercise.
What's the same? I'm still seriously overweight. I still battle depression. And I have yet to conquer the tendency toward living space chaos that contributes so much to that depression.
And I'm still working on it! I have not given up.
It is my sincere hope that reading about my struggles will give hope to others, especially those who are newly diagnosed. You're not alone, you're not the only one who has gone through these trials. I've now got a medication combination that keeps me pretty stable, but it took a long time to find it, and it hasn't done the one thing I was looking for when I started - I haven't lost weight. But I've realized something: there's more I could be doing about my weight. I could get even more exercise, and I could be more careful with my diet. I'm not doing those things - and not doing them is a choice. Life is all about choices, and although sometimes our options are restricted (as my fibromyalgia restricts the type of exercise I could choose), not doing anything about a problem is still a choice.
Take care, everyone.
Love, Marcia
