July 2, 1999 - Six Weeks After Diagnosis
Yuck.
Yuck.
YUCK.
I don't want to do anything. I am taking naps because I can't think of anything to do. I don't want to do the regular tasks I am supposed to be doing. My sense of humor is shot - at least as regards myself. DON'T tease me. I'll take it seriously and bite your head off. I just want to be left ALONE!!
I do not think my moods are being stabilized.
I'm experiencing hypomania, depression, and an angry mixture all in a day, sometimes more than once each. And behind these mini-moodswings, the base mood has shifted, over the course of a few weeks, from depression, to a good balance, and back into depression again.
STILL I find myself fighting tears over small things, things I do not think would have affected me that way before.
The worst part? The boredom. I have not been bored in months. I don't even think I was bored over the winter, when my depression was so bad ... I just played computer solitaires and puzzles for hours at a time. But the last few days, I'd find myself just standing with my hands hanging at my side, adrift.
So far, it hasn't been too bad. I have been able to force myself to fulfill commitments. We are having a houseful of family here on Sunday, Independence Day, so I can busy myself with those preparations. I found a good book to reread, too, but finished that about half an hour ago; now I'll have to scare up another one.
I suppose this all sounds pretty damn mild to those of you who are currently trying to deal with major, dangerous mania or serious depression. Understand - in relative terms, it is not mild to me. Friends are asking me what's wrong, saying I'm not myself. I snap at my mother when she doesn't deserve it. My world is being rocked - and I'm losing my balance.
Next: Creativity Without Sociability
