September 10, 1999 - 16 Weeks After Diagnosis
In just a few days I am going away on a short vacation. The last time I did this, I was most definitely in hypomania, and I had a wonderful time as a result. Normally I don't like to travel, and absolutely dread the processes of packing and going through airports. On that trip, I just sailed along, unafraid, overconfident. I could use some of that confidence now. I feel so nervous about this trip that I would just as soon stay at home. My sleeping habits are completely at odds with the itinerary, for one thing ... but the whole excursion is bought and paid for, so go I must, hoping I don't fall asleep during a lunch and put my face into my plate.
Not long ago I read Bob Olson's book Win the Battle: The 3-Step Lifesaving Formula to Conquer Depression and Bipolar Disorder. Bob spent five years trying to find the right combination of meds. He never gave up. Finally he found the medication regimen that was right for him.
When I get frustrated, I think about Bob, and it helps. But GODS I hope it doesn't take me five years!
Dr. Meyer and I spent my entire session discussing meds. He told me that when the SSRIs stop being effective is when they really start causing weight gain. Some of his patients, he said, "toggle" back and forth between two SSRIs (such as Zoloft and Prozac), thus keeping the anti-depressant benefit and not experiencing the weight gain, because the effects of the two drugs are not cumulative. How I wish I had known that sooner!
He decided the next thing to do was add Zoloft to my mixture, which meant Neurontin, Wellbutrin, Zyprexa and Zoloft. After four days of this, I called and told him I was sleeping too much now, and so he switched me from Neurontin back to Depakote. (I'm reminded of a chant by Daffy Duck from a record I had when I was a kid called "Bugs Bunny and the Grow Small Juice": "Round and round and round she goes, it doesn't smell bad if you hold your nose - woohoo! woohoo! woohoo!")
The other night my mother remarked that I was a lot better when I first moved back home to live with her (a little over two years ago) than I am now. Well, that's true. I was excited and happy about moving back into the house I grew up in. Plus, after 23 years working in an office, I was looking forward to starting my own business, working out of the home and - oh, how wonderful! - setting my own hours. With that kind of stimulation, it's no wonder I was in a great mood.
Was it hypomania? Taking a look at the Red Flags for mania, I don't think so. I always have racing thoughts, even in my blackest depression, so that doesn't count. I was exhilarated, but had a reason to be so. There were no speech disruptions or signs of impaired judgment. No, it was just a good mood.
And it didn't last. The winters have been hellish for me - I'm sure I have at least mild S.A.D. - Seasonal Affective Disorder - on top of everything else. And my weight just went up, and up, and up, even though my mother is very lowfat-conscious in her cooking.
What I don't know how to explain to Mom is why, with all the pills I'm taking, I am still depressed, still having trouble getting to sleep and then sleeping until early afternoon. To me, it is so frustrating that I want to suggest to Dr. Meyer that I go off everything so we can find out just what I am like underneath. But when I remember what I was like most of the time pre-Prozac - no, I don't want to go there again. It was no fun.
Then again, this isn't much fun either.
What do I want? Just three things:
- I want to feel cheerful and confident again (preferably by next Tuesday).
- I want to have the creative writing spark again.
- I want to be thin again.
Next: Hot, Hot, Hot
