I eventually ended up in a psychiatrist's office diagnosed with bipolar disorder and finally understanding my mental problems.
For about a year I continued to take unemployment checks. It was actually a bit humiliating but most of the time I didn't care. The reason I did it was to simply make sure bills were paid. My partner was working two jobs to pay the rest and taking care of me at the same time.
Eventually I spoke to a friend and she offered me a job a few hours a week, something very easy. She knew of my illness so I didn't have to hide how I was feeling. I started working more hours and getting into the swing of working again. Once my medication stabilized, I was able to actually work about 30 hours per week and contribute to the household. A year after started that job, I was working a 40-hour week.
However, I did have my ups and downs. Medication changes made me very volatile. I had to work different shifts - sometimes I worked in the mornings, sometimes at night, so my sleep schedule was erratic. I wouldn't have two days off in a row like normal people, and my days off would be erratic as well. My doctors would beg me to change jobs due to my schedule.
Every time I had a mood change, since my boss knew I was bipolar she'd ask, "Did your doctor change your medication?" It was very humiliating. She would talk about me behind my back about my work performance even though I tried as hard as I could. She blamed my illness, saying she "gave me a chance when I was down and out." Even though I thank her for giving me the opportunity, I now wish she wouldn't have done me the favor. Two years ago I quit that job.
It took quite a bit of courage to interview for other jobs. Thoughts went through my head. "Will they find out I'm mentally ill? Should I just go ahead and tell them?" I didn't tell anyone. I went through interviews, incredibly nervous. But I mustered up courage and was very proud of myself. When I was in my final interviews with a large corporation, I decided to take another job with my family's business.
I thought it would be like the previous job and they would blame strange behavior on my illness, but they don't. No one has mentioned my illness once. As a matter of fact, since I left my previous job, I've felt better than I have in years. No one mentions my illness. My schedule is the same every day so my sleep habits are better. I've cut down on my medication because I'm able to be more active. I have opportunities to do things I never thought possible and responsibilities I never thought I'd be able to handle. Yes, I've been scared. I've thought I couldn't handle it. But my confidence increases every day because I have support at work from my family and customers/vendors. But especially I have support from my partner, and that kind of strong love makes me want to stay strong.
