What symptoms did you have before you were diagnosed?
I had been manic and depressed all my life. I thought I just had more energy than others that enabled me to do their work as well as mine, and during depressed episodes, as a child, since my mother was aloof and uncaring, would wonder what it would be like to die and go to heaven.
What events led to your being diagnosed bipolar?
I was finally diagnosed because of suffering severe depression, auditory hallucinations and psychosis. In addition, I was wanting to harm myself, though never others. Finally, I was reorganizing the house every day for months.
Lessons Learned
- I probably would have sought help in my twenties, during my first marriage. I was entrenched in Mormonism, and told by my bishop to keep working hard at my jobs, motherhood, and even tolerate my violent husband, encouraging him at all cost, since he'd eventually come around. I did not realize I'd have a complete breakdown while my children were very young and nearly lose them. I wish we had discussed depression and other related issues in our women's groups at church. It would have given me hope.
- Now I have a wonderful doctor. I've been counseled by two psychologists and three social workers specializing in these issues along with women's issues, and now see an internist who sees me weekly to monitor my meds and my feelings. She and her nurse have actually called me at home to see how things are going, if the voices are back, what they are saying, etc., and what she thinks I need to do. Some times she'll say, "Get your butt in here right now." A lot of it is in play with her having to hospitalize me so much for my immune disorders, and we have also worked with acupuncture and massage for these. What I've learned is that you need a compassionate advocate, and it may not necessarily be a psychiatrist, though you need one initially, and periodically.
What Is Your Current Diagnosis?
Bipolar with psychosis and recurring auditory hallucinations.
Do You Agree With the Diagnosis? Why or Why Not?
I do agree. I receive a small amount of social security each month, and with insurance (stinking medical system we have), I still pay out of pocket $1000 per month for meds. I also have 3 autoimmune disorders that play into the depression as they exacerbate and cause excruciating pain.
Additional Thoughts
I have a history of trying to shield my children from my feelings. This left me being a permissive parent, showing little affection to my own children, and the guilt has been consuming. One child is bona fide bipolar, and I blame myself for just giving her life.
