What symptoms did you have before you were diagnosed?
As a teenager I had mood swings. I was fine I felt that I was controlling my life and all of a sudden I just lost my interests for everything. I felt useless, that nobody cared about me. In my mid 20's I started to consume alcohol. Not all the time but mostly when I was feeling down. The problem was that I wasn't drinking to socialise or to have fun but just to make my brain numb and just don't feel the bad feeling. After sobering up I felt so guilty that I try to change my image by not drinking. But always after a painful incident I would fall back into alcohol abuse. After my 30's it got worse.
What events led to your being diagnosed bipolar?
I started to believe that I was just the usual alcoholic. I stay away from drinking up to a year, but suddenly I would start drinking until I passed out. After being in hospitals for stomach bleeding 6 times during the last 9 years because I was drinking without eating for 5- 10 days, the doctors suggested that I get into a clinic, but I always denied because I had the thought that I had the power to quit without clinics. After every time of my heavy drinking I quit immediately. The withdrawal effects were so severe that I couldn't sleep for 5-6 day leading to hallucinations. Hallucinations that the last time were so severe that i almost slashed my wrists with a razor because I thought somebody framed me so I would go to jail and become the talk of town and humiliate my family so prefer to die than go to jail and get raped.
I hurt my family (3 Children 5,6,12 y.o.) I had to lie at work so many time about my absence. After my admittance in the hospital on August 14th 2010 I ran out from the hospital with stomach bleeding signing a paper that I take full responsibilty of leaving the hospital. Because in the Greek hospitals I have been in, they treat you like some kind of a punk, junkie and somebody who is alcoholic and has no position in the society but in the grave.!!
When I arrived home my only concern except to see my kids was how to face insomnia and then the hallucinations. My last hallucinations were so severe I feared this time it could get worse and maybe even do something to my own family. And also I had to go to work on Monday and I didn't want to show anybody my drinking problem. I have a great job. I am working in a Petroleum company which I have a great salary but almost lost it twice because I didn't show up for work a couple of times without calling in.
So I tried looking in the internet for alcohol withdrawal effects, hallucinations, how to treat them and accidentally I read about bipolar disorder and alcohol abuse. I start opening more pages in the web from doctors, associations and even Greek psychiatrists who wrote about it. I was shocked when I was reading about myself. The only thing missing from the pages was my photo next to the articles.
I kept reading over and over again and I realised that I had to find help immediately. I went to the hospital in the Psychiatric section and asked to talk to a doctor. I explained everything and after a questionnaire and also talking to my family (mother, sisters, wife) he told me that yes, I do have bipolar disorder.
Lessons Learned
- Actually looking back, a friend of mine who's ex-fiance was a Psychiatrist told me 3 years ago that "you aren't alcoholic, you have manic depression". I thought to myself, "He is trying to be a smartass. He doesn't know anything." He asked me to go with him to the hospital where I went a few days ago. We went but as soon as we arrived there I refused to go inside. I said to myself, "I'm not crazy." If only I'd had the courage to go things would have been much better now...but it's never too late. I have started a medication and I hope and wish that I will be myself again like I was 15 years ago.
What Is Your Current Diagnosis?
Bipolar II Disorder
Do You Agree With the Diagnosis? Why or Why Not?
Yes, I agree because I read a lot about it and I realised that that was my problem, and not just my problems that trigger me to alcohol abuse and mood swings from alcohol.
Additional Thoughts
I just hope there would be a way to diagnose it in an earlier stage. As for me I haven't lost anything except 10 years of ups & downs. I still have my family and my job and most important I am still alive. And I am going to do anything it takes to keep it that way.
Thank You
