What symptoms did you have before you were diagnosed?
I had a very hard time retaining friends growing up. I found it very easy to meet people, but extremely frustrating to maintain friendships because of very rapid mood swings and the constant cycle of highs and lows. After making repeated bad choices, suspension from school for fighting, constant paranoia, and a rollercoaster of feelings from "I have let down the world" (my parents and siblings mainly) to "I am at the top of the world," I found myself using alcohol more and more frequently. Binge drinking led to more trouble and eventually I started using drugs to try and further myself from my disappointing reality.
What events led to your being diagnosed bipolar?
My parents had encouraged the "best" out of us, and my sisters were so "normal" that my behavior stood out even more. I was always the one to disappoint my parents and was also constantly reminded of that. We came from a very large, well-to-do family, who were well respected in the community, and the church. From a very early age I knew that I was different, and on more than one occasion requested help from my mom. She was a teacher and the very thought that something was wrong with me plagued her with the thought "what are people going to think?" because mental illnesses weren't real, they were poor life choices. I was discouraged from reaching out to councilors or others for help, and eventually started sharing their beliefs, that it was bad choices I was making and I hoped that I would grow out of it, for the family's sake. I was living in 2 different "worlds": the "perfect life" my parents wanted, and the "real me world" where I could be myself, even if it wasn't acceptable. I tried to distance myself from my family to survive, but I could not keep up with either of the lives I was living, and eventually the "worlds" collided. I went into a severe manic episode which landed me in psych hospital and the diagnosis of Bipolar. It has been 5 years since my diagnosis and after being "bounced" around from doctor to doctor and having multiple diagnosis from vitamin B deficiency, to "it was just the drugs and alcohol", to PTSD, depression, anxiety, mild schizophrenia, back to the original diagnosis of Bipolar, I am finally getting the proper treatment and support.
However, my misdiagnosis also cost me my family, as the ever-changing diagnosis seemed to validate their original claims that it was just my poor life choices, and they decided that I was just wasn't worth the fight. Who I was did not fit their concept or facade of happiness through family appearance and character, and it became easier to continue with their lives without my "illness" looming.
Lessons Learned
- In the past 5 years I have pulled my life together, and started my family. I have been blessed with a wonderfully supportive husband and 2 beautiful children. I have learned that the road to recovery starts with acceptance, and it grows by creating a network of people who all accept and support me, and my illness. I believe that my own experiences will help me to be a better parent, and that I will be more open to all of my children's needs. I have learned that there is unconditional love, and that no matter where you are in your own life there is always hope.
What Is Your Current Diagnosis?
My current diagnosis is rapid cycling bipolar and PSTD. I am on meds which are currently working, and attending regular therapy.
Do You Agree With the Diagnosis? Why or Why Not?
I definitely agree with the diagnosis. I feel like the diagnosis fit me perfectly and I fit it perfectly, and I was able to realise that it was ok to be me finally! The medication and therapy have given me roots and mental clarity to start living and finding the new healthy me!
Additional Thoughts
The long road to a proper diagnosis, and the subsequent "good life" you are able to lead after proper treatment starts (and works) is tough to see when your trying to get "out." But what I see now is that even in a relapse, I know my battle is worth it! Never give up.
