Are You, Or Would You Have Been, the Mother or Father?
I was diagnosed during my first marriage and the diagnosis and dealing with my illness were not handled well by my husband, who eventually divorced me despite the fact that I was highly functioning in an ICU as an RN caring for open-heart and neurosurgical patients. My first pdoc told us it would be "morally" wrong to have children with me having BP 1. I was already 31, so my maternal clock was running out of time anyway, and I had an inkling that husband wanted out of the marriage, so I didn't allow myself to get pregnant - irony, he was infertile! A Mom that wasn't.
How I Made My Decision, And What I Decided
Because of my husband's reservations and the fact that I needed to find a pdoc close to home, I transferred to one fresh out of school, my age and very nonjudgmental. She told me that it was wrong for my former pdoc to simply state that it would be "morally wrong" for me to have children, that it was my choice, but then she mapped out the statistics based on the forensic psychiatry of the side of my carrying family which led to my own choice. She also presented me with such options as surrogacy and adoption. Of note, my first pdoc was in his 60's.
What I'd Do Differently
- Ultimately I made the right decision. I had educational goals and the need to work full time to pay for those goals. Also, I'm not a patient person by nature, which is I think why I worked in ICU for many years and continue to work with home-bound ventilator people to this day - I'm sort of a control freak, things have to be neat and tidy. If they're not, I get frustrated. As I mentioned, my husband at the time (who was infertile anyway) did end up leaving me for a 30-year younger woman. I'm remarried, no kids, and happy!
Did the decision affect your relationship?
I grew at first resentful, later just plain angry with my first husband for not at least considering surrogacy or adoption. His brother was infertile and his wife became pregnant and had two children with the assistance of the same sperm donor for each child.
Do you have any advice for people facing this decision?
Get more than one opinion and look at the probabilities, statistics, and other possible ways of parenthood.
