Are You, Or Would You Have Been, the Mother or Father?
I have bipolar disorder. Being married or not had nothing to do with my decision that I would not be able to raise children. My diagnosis is Bipolar II. Long before my diagnosis, I became pregnant, at age 21. The father was someone I did not know well, but I do know he had criminal tendencies. He was a shoplifter, and used to walk out leaving restaurant bills unpaid. He was verbally abusive to me although I did not recognize that at the time and the term "verbal abuse" had not been invented in 1963.
How I Made My Decision, And What I Decided
I used a supposed-contraceptive cream and followed the directions on the tube. But it did not work. I wanted to have an abortion. When the man once asked me if a guy got me pregnant, when would I do? I said I would expect him to help me find a good abortionist. Abortions were illegal back then, and people would go to Mexico to get them. Some Mexican sources were safe, others terribly dangerous -- word of mouth from other women was how people took their chances on a trip to a Mexican abortion clinic.
The guy said if he got a woman pregnant, he would marry her. I said that was not a good reason to marry, that getting pregnant would guarantee I would not marry the guy. But he didn't help with an abortion, so I did natural childbirth exercises, went to the Salvation Army shelter, got a job through them for five months as a nanny, then to the Sally "home and hospital" for "unwed mothers." The people at the Salvation Army were wonderful to us -- some of the pregnant people were in their very young teens, even 12; one was in her 30s. I was 21 and then 22 when the baby was born.
I made a decision right away to give the baby up for adoption, and arranged this with the County. I knew I would not be a good mother for the following reasons. One, I was horny all the time. Two, I got very depressed A LOT, and also had terrible rages. Also, I had a domineering father who could be cruel, and dominated my life. I thought to myself that the child and I would "drive each other crazy." I also had trouble keeping jobs. I felt I could not take care of MYSELF, and that it would be ridiculous to think I could take care of a child.
What I'd Do Differently
- I would not tell the social worker the name of the father. I was pressured to do so by both her and my mother.
- I would not introduce the adult daughter to my family. She found me illegally because her adoptive dad was in law enforcement and had access to the county archives. He used his job status to look me up. The daughter had a wonderful upbringing -- loving parents, a beautiful home with a swimming pool and a horse. But she was she was rude to both me and my family. She treated us like some kind of bank of information about her "genes," about which at that time we knew nothing.
- I made the right decision.
Did the decision affect your relationship?
Yes. The man I was married to in my 40s when the daughter illegally contacted me changed his attitude towards me, and we divorced about 2 years later. His family was shocked beyond measure that I had a daughter out of wedlock.
If you had a child, does he/she have bipolar disorder?
Maybe, I do not know for sure. I do know she has "moods" where she closes her bedroom door and won't let some people in.
If you had a child, does he/she have another disorder?
Not that I know of.
Do you have any advice for people facing this decision?
Don't have kids unless you are rich enough to afford a full time, live-in nanny.
