Are You, Or Would You Have Been, the Mother or Father?
I'm the mother of a beautiful daughter. I was diagnosed just before turning 20 with Rapid-Cycling Bipolar I Disorder and was placed on Lamictal soon after. Once I discovered I was pregnant, the medication ceased as I was too scared of risking the baby's health.
I suffered from nightmares, temper problems, behavior issues, motor tics (fidgeting), racing thoughts and pressured speech, depression, social anxiety, and several others from the age of five years old. I was aware quite young that something was wrong with me.
How I Made My Decision, And What I Decided
I had always said I didn't want children because I feared I would be a terrible mother. My own mother never wanted to have me examined, she felt that I just needed to try harder to focus and control my emotions. So for most of my life I struggled with ALL of the symptoms of Early-Onset BPI and I struggled in silence, hiding everything from my mum, fearing her reactions to anything I did that she wouldn't have approved of.
At 19, I met my ex-husband (a recovering drug addict and alcoholic with serious infidelity issues) and by accident I found myself pregnant 3 months after marriage (my pill contraceptive failed to work). All through my pregnancy I suffered with abandonment issues and depression. After pregnancy, I developed severe Postpartum Depression which sent me into a 3-month depression episode. Raising my daughter alone exacerbated the problem but I struggled through it with little help. My ex had abandoned us when my daughter was 2 months old. We divorced for obvious reasons.
I'm medicated again and while my symptoms are survivable now, they're still unstable. My daughter is nearly 4 and I know for a fact that my BPI has affected her in a negative way. I have managed to pick up the pieces well enough to get by, but now that I am in a new relationship and preparing for an upcoming marriage next year, the discussion for more children has arisen many times. While we have agreed for at least one more, I am thinking more than two in total would be a bad idea. I am considering birth control (without informing my significant other) for after the second child's birth to prevent any further pregnancies...
I've been weighing the decision for quite some time and while it's been years that I've thought about it off and on, I still can't decide for certain whether to answer a yes or no to more children. Either way, I know I must do what is right for me in the end because if I can't keep myself healthy, how could I care for another child? It's all about what's best all around, but my situation has determined my own decisions. Others may find their decisions much more easy or difficult to make. Circumstances greatly influence a decision like this.
What I'd Do Differently
- Get checked out by a medical professional much sooner.
- Weigh options with my doctor about pros and cons of children.
- NOT have a child while I was still so young.
- NOT have a child with someone incapable of giving me the emotional support and help I know I would need.
- Make sure to do my own research for medications and seek a second opinion on everything.
Did the decision affect your relationship?
Completely. I was willing to give the pregnancy up for health and emotional stability reasons, my ex-husband was completely against that. So I suffered through everything alone, only to have to go through a divorce because he 'couldn't handle it' and forced me to deal with it all alone.
If you had a child, does he/she have bipolar disorder?
She shows only a few signs of possible BPI. I watch her closely everyday and at the first signs of something serious, I will be taking her to a doctor so I can make sure she has help from a very young age to learn to manage it since I didn't have that opportunity.
If you had a child, does he/she have another disorder?
None that is apparent.
Do you have any advice for people facing this decision?
Make sure to weigh your options carefully. In the end it comes down to you and what you believe you are capable of dealing with. Do research, talk to your doctor and anyone who you think can help you. But ultimately the decision is completely yours. Best of luck to you. ~ Ashe
