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Readers Respond: Readers' Stories of Bad Judgment

Responses: 57

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Updated June 22, 2014

From the article: Symptoms of Mania
Bad judgment is all too common in bipolar disorder, especially during mania. Has poor judgment gotten you into trouble? Share your experiences as a tool to help others be aware of the consequences of letting bad judgment take control.

Life disjunction

Bipolar hit me after law school. It was devastating. I thought I was God and able to do anything, and for a while I was doing everything right, like superman, but then it all came crashing down. In my mania I destroyed important relationships and ruined my career. I haven't worked in 6 months. I've gained 20 pounds. I hate going out now because I have nothing to talk about. Worse, my brain takes forever to think of things to say. My intellectual capacity has gone from "super genius" levels to "completely mediocre." My memory is gone. I am totally useless. I don't want to be seen by my huge family because all I feel every day is a constant, oppressive, feeling of failure. Everything I ever loved about myself is gone. It's like my brain has aged 50 years in 5 months. I feel like I am some kind of zombie now, just waiting for my life to end. I am in a state of living death, of undeath. A slow, painful, agonizing removal of everything I love, one by one.
—Guest William

broken marriage

I've been married for 7 years my wife and I have twin boy and girl 6 years old. We been married for 8 years and have separated every year except 2011, just separated again jan. 2012 barely made it. I was diagnosed little over a year ago and is on meds. My wife never accepted the disorder or took the time to fully understand it she associate my actions with everything accept bipolar, I work very hard to suppress the dark burdens of bipolar but she don't see that. She loves me and I love her but I live in a big house by myself and her and the kids live somewhere else. All the spouses with a bipolar spouse continue to learn the disorder and accept it. You are a bipolar family and it should be taken seriously by the whole family, I'm not shifting weight on my wife but I know if she took it serious and accepted it and learned not to trigger it things would be different. I pleaded with her to invest time into learning and accepting but she just put it off. I hope my story is of some benefit.
—Guest Reggie

Oh my God, save me from myself, please!!

I have been hospitalized three times between now and August; I lost my job because I was too scared to go back to it and now I HATE myself and am sometimes so consumed with wanting to die that all I do is talk about it over and over and over. I was diagnosed Bipolar I in August and now I have no job and no income and no life. I may soon lose my apartment. I don't have enough money to pay my depts. I went on a crazy road trip last summer - spending money, talking to and sleeping with strangers because I thought I was "on a mission." My family thinks I am insane; my brother thinks I am a drug addict. I just want the pain to end; I want to be myself again. I want my job back and it's too late. I don't know how to fix this. I am terrified. I want someone to save me. My family and everyone say I need to save myself but I don't feel strong enough. I've been going downhill for a long time. I am going to lose everything I ever loved and think the world would be better w/o me.
—jayemmedee

jay

I to know all about the horrible things that I created while having bipolar. I destroyed my marriage my family relationships, and relationships with my freinds. Wow this is horrible< I am so depressed now that I just don't know what to do. I have a family and freinds who really care about me, but some of them don't know that I'm bipolar. I totally destroyed my marriage and my husband. I'm just so depressed
—Guest julie

No Family, No Friends, No Solution

I had no ideal what was wrong with me for so long, but I knew there was something wrong. Even in high school I was bipolar, but didn’t know it. I’ve struggled with suicide attempts from then to now. Each time I get better and better at it. I almost made it on my last attempt. I wish I would have. Of course there have been numerous hospitalizations. But when my soul mate of a husband died it pushed me over a disability edge. Since he’s died I’ve been diagnosed bipolar II. The more I learn about this illness the more I understand my actions and feelings since my high school days. I know there is so much more to learn. I’ve lost my job and struggle everyday. I’m on disability, small fixed income and can’t manage my bills. Heck I could before then. I can’t remember phone calls, agreements, amounts or even who I owe! Now I’m moving from a 5 bedroom home to a condo. I’m hoping a smaller place will make my bills manageable. I can’t afford to go to my therapist.
—Guest Krisite Scott

not once.... but more than once...

ex has bp & obsessed with ex gf. Once he was obsessed with her pictures & later broke up with me, blamed me, gave her gifts I gave him. (She didnt want him)We got back together 4 mnths later, the ultimate chance to work on us. He was distant & cruel, I went to search, I found an email from 3weeks before (3days after we got back together) He wanted her but she said NO..I never really had proof but now I did & cheating is not acceptable. I confronted him & lied she called & said she is your girl I deleted the call. (was a one minute decision, other times I caught him on things, he always came with lame excuses..this time no lame excuse). I thought he will cry, confess & say sorry..but no he wanted to know everything, hit me & ran to her. Came back I asked him if he ever loved me, said yes but not anymore is my fault. After that he still tried to get her back, but she has a new boyfriend. I hope that when back on meds he will not feel guilty, alone and think nobody ever loved him...
—Guest stupidme

In the Dark

As the twig is bent so grows the tree. I do believe upbringing and some of it's abuses can affect a person, but bipolar is chemical. I went through my early life moody and then at 31 diagnosed depressed. In early 2000's diagnosed bipolar. I have had shopping addiction, gambling addiction, sex addiction, shoplifting addiction, food addiction....I believe all of this a result of mania in my bipolar. I have been medicated since diagnose but still remain on the depressive side most of the time. I have filed bankruptcy twice, had my house forclosed, left important relationships that I now regret leaving. Life stress is hard for me to deal with. I believe totally in God's plan for me, I just wish I knew why this is a part of it. I did not ask for this. And sometimes I don't know how I'm going to continue to handle it. God will once again carry me, guide me...but I did not ask for this.
—ididnotaskforthis

family history

I went to my specialist because i wanted to change one of my epileptic meds i felt i wanted a tablet that wouldn't put the weight on any more!! He suggested (was on Epilum & Tegretol) changed over to Topamax. Well things were going o.k. for a while then my character started to change had kidney problems pain & many other side effects. My family were but they didn't what was occuring with my body and mind due to Topimax. I became fearful and over reacted and ran away!!! Two weeks went by i visited three hospitals for any answer. made a wrong diognosis of bi pola. They kept me there for three months, i did try to tell them about my meds but they wouldn't listen, i felt betrayed by my family!! and also being over dosed on other pills was scarey. Recoveryslow
—Guest hospitalsmissdiognosis

ashamed i know how you feel.....

even though i went through psychotherapy and am on meds. i am still ashamed because of the sexual affairs outside marriage that led to the problems i still have in my marriage. causing intimacy and trust issues over some 20yrs. grateful my husband has stayed with me the damage it caused can never be undone only little bits and pieces of our selves remain. i like you cant seem to trust myself always thinking it might happen again and then what will be left....im scared of myself most of the time also. this illness makes me feel like im never really myself and that distant thought of what ive done is haunting me. and sometimes at night it try to get into my head and if i cant stop the fear becomes an obsession that left me with horrible thoughts. after a day went by and my mood improved i was able to tell my husband about the thought i had that kept me awake the night before.he is still my best friend and im lucky he stayed around.
—Guest 1greensevrum

destroyed my marriage

i was diagnosed after a depression as a hypo manic. but i am now diagnosed as bipolar I some 25+ years later. my depression started with the death of my father then quitting both marijuana and drinking than to top it off telling my husband in bits and pieces about my out off control sexual affairs. never been hospitalized because when that major depression hit i was still working at a medical clinic. discovering that my mother had manic schizo effective disorder i began to try to understand how this illness can destroy relationships as well as lives. after an affair i would feel that i had done something out of my normal character and had no control at the time. it caused me too feel scared and guilt took over. some 30 years later i am still struggling with my husband with intimacy issues he feels like what i had done had no consequences. yet the knowledge of each affair pushed us farther apart. he has chosen to stay with me as he says he accepts that the illness caused me to act out.
—Guest 1greensevrum

ups and downs

I have battled bipolar for 35 years.When i was a teenager i drank a lot smoked drugs and got into fights,didn't know why.I suffered awful depressions in my20's.The doctors would give me antidepressants and that would make me manic.I cheated on my girlfriend so many times i lost count.Update i an 45 now and doing pretty good.I take my meds,the thing that seems to screw me up is stressful situations,i go a little manic for a while.
—Guest todd

bad judgement

i was diagnosed with bipolar when i was fifteen. i went through many years of childhood abuse in my family and was finally placed in foster care. i went through lots of group homes, hospitals, etc. i got out of foster care at 18, and went straight to prison. i got out of prison, met a man, became a mom to his four kids, and was doing pretty good. i've been off of meds for a while and over the last couple of months i have been getting progressively worse. i am separated from my fiance and kids because i tried to kill myself. i dont know why i did it, i just did. i am currently trying to get back on meds and into therapy so i can go back home to my family. i don't understand why i had to be like this, i think it's a curse. i still have bad days and probably always will, but i know that God has a plan for me. i just don't quite know what it is yet. i know it's not death. i must live with my problem and do my best to control and treat it. family support helps me the most.
—strachanlnp

Why Me?

Ifeel like I have been handed a death sentence. Iwas diagnosed with BP in early sept of 2010. I had been previously mis-diagnosed for many years. Yes I have had poor judgement. I have had several affairs when I am manic. i am very fortunate to have a loving n understanding husband. Right now i feel on the edge of mania again and I am scared! What do I do if it happens again. I take all of my meds. I am having trouble sleeping too much or not enough. Ijust wish it would go away and I could have a normal life again. i do not want to cheat again, but when i am manic I have no control over it. I do not think the meds are really working. Thank you for reading my story Sim
—simba12333

bad judgement

I have a son who has all his life made bad Judgment mistakes he is 34 and made a huge one in Dec. 2008 when he meet a girl on internet she told him many lies that we found out was not true although we told him to check out but he went to live with her even when he knew she had a man living with her when he got to her trailer He will not talk to us because we tried to get him some help now he doesn't trust us as his parents they have a son together that she will not give us any contact with.
—Guest Ray White

Wheew, what a ride

Crazy life, lots of childhood abuse. I had Bipolar disorder as a young child (\misdiagnosed as a hyperactive 'bad' little girl). Foster care, group home, then homeless for many years (I'm counting other people's couches). Alcoholic, drug addict (five years clean on 11/25). So many hospitals, so much pain, didn't know hope at all. Couldn't work (disappeared when admitted to hospitals). Went to rehab, thought it would solve my problem, but it turned out that I was much sicker without my alcohol/drugs (medication). After 2 years, life got somewhat better - I agreed to take meds, had a good job for the first time ever - friends, went back to school, etc. Then my best friend killed herself, I lost my mind worse than ever. Spent a couple of years in and out of hospitals. GOT THE RIGHT MEDICATION. Last December, I rented my first house, I received my BA last June, been in therapy for 2 years. Still up and down, but not hopeless – for the first time ever, I don’t want to die.
—Guest Frecklenator

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