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Readers' Symptoms:Your Depression Symptoms
Will it ever end?
- I never want to get up in the morning and go to school or even get up and go anywhere I feel so lonely like I have no friends or anyone who cares about me. I feel worthless and stupid and like I'm always going to be alone. I think about death a lot, those I know who have died and the different ways I could die. I always feel as if there's a scowl on my face and hardly ever laugh or even smile genuinely. If I told anyone about how I felt they'd just laugh and think I was lying or flat out not care so I just act like I'm fine and don't bother anyone about it. I want to be a happy normal person.
- —Guest Shelby
- i am happy all day at school when i'm around friends and i don't have many reasons to be sad. but when i'm laying in bed at night i just get sad for no reason at all. and i also have flashbacks and weird dreams about one of my friends who moved away that has been through alot and i worry about him all the time! he moved away a year or so i ago and its just recently that im having these weird dreams and flashbacks.. its annoying when i cant control my feelings and i should be able too but i just can't!
- —Guest help me
- everything is so wrong. my mum doesn't even understand and tries to make everything better with jokes but they just make things worse. no ones there to listen. my dad is so pathetic and i don't want to talk to him. i think i have to talk to my granada because he's always been there for me and understands me better but how should i say it? i feel like i'm going crazy and keep saying i'll see the doctors but my parents are hopeless and probably won't even make the appointment. i feel like i have to do everything and can't concentrate. i feel like killing someone or even my self just to escape from all this crap. whenever something goes wrong i feel like its my fault but after a few minutes i blame someone else and start screaming and breaking things. OK seriously i'm going to the doctors NOW.
- —Guest BigApple
Your dream of becoming me
- I grew up to be almost perfect, but only on the outside. Everyone thinks I'm perfect. I'm pretty, funny, extremely intelligent. But wait, almost every single night since I was 14, I cried when alone. I tore stuff apart when angry. I screamed a lot. I cried like maniac when upset. Not until 25 that I reached out for help and diagnosed with depression. I learned how to cope with it, yet I have to live ten thousand miles away from home to hide my secret. Everyone back home still thinks I'm perfect. Well, I told them once and they laughed in disbelief. They know I own my own business. they know I work hard. but they don't know that every single day I find a tiny reason to ditch work. I'm not lazy, just sad. I wish someone burns my business down and I get myself in a terrible car wreck. I wish I turned very ugly so at least someone will feel sorry for me and I didn't have to pretend to be this happy girl anymore.
- —Guest Perfect girl
- I always feel like I'm alone and I like that , I like not having friends dramas and whatnot to deal with but my partner (although Is there for me most of the time ) makes me feel like I'm always in adequate and never good enough . I'm always an age to him . And I have no one else to vent to except for him , and my problems are about him but he never wants to resolve them because its always my fault . I think he's right sometimes too . I feel like I'm always waiting for him to help me out but he doesn't simply because its my problem . I always feel like crying . Even for hours sometimes . Not for anything in particular either . I love life and trying to be better at things .i just always am unsure of what I'm doing in life and why I'm so useless to him . But I know he loves me .. Is it me ?
- —Guest Unsure
I'm Bipolar I & I'm in remission
- My psych history is as follows: First clinical depression at 13 right after I got my first period. At 19 I had flunked out of nursing school & went & worked in a factory. I fantasized about suicide 24/7. It passed without any counseling. At 25 after the birth of my first son, I found & saw a pyscologist who knew about depression & he did help. At 32 after the birth of my 3rd son, I developed severe depression & didn't sleep for 11 nights. I got admitted to the psych hospital & was put on elavil. I became manic & psychotic, punched a nurse & got sent to another hospital. There I was diagnosed with Bipolar I. I have had 25 yrs. of therapy & for the past yr. with the help of my psychiatrist & theapist I have been symptom free for 10 years. Don't ever give up hope!.
- i'm think of death when ever i'm depressed or have an argument with my partner. each time we argue my partner will tell me that hes over me an our personality's clash and we should not be together and he regrets everything. it hurts me so bad that i sit up all night and cry and beg him to forgive me and all the arguments are pointing the fingers and i away's seem like its my fault. i don't have anyone to talk to or any support form my family. i have no one. i feel as if i'm in the world alone, i work hard to get what i want, i feel as if i don't belong in this world. it hurts :.( , i don't have support form my partner.
- —Guest lek
When I have the blues
- When I have the blues most of my feelings for other things and people shut off. Nothing much matters to me, I go on "auto pilot". There are feelings of worthlessness, self hatred shame, and yet… so much apathy for everything. When I went through a low period earlier in 2011, I realized my anchors, my children, were grown up and on their own now. I thought "they can do this on their own and don't need me anymore". I didn't have a plan so much as the random thoughts of how many pills were in the house. I just know I was tired of hurting inside and tired of not caring about anything. Something told me to get to a safe place. I went to stay with family so I wouldn't be alone. Months later, I confessed to my daughter the thoughts I had about them being able to deal with life on their own now that they were grown and she started crying and yelled at me "DON'T YOU EVER THINK THAT!! YOU'RE OUR MAMA, WE WILL NEED YOU EVEN WHEN YOUR OLD, WRINKLED,AND EVEN AFTER YOU DIE OF OLD AGE WE'LL STILL N
It's like this
- I wake up and drag myself out of bed every morning because the pets can't take care of themselves.Most of the time with in a half hr of getting up I'm either angry or frustrated at some one or some thing.I txt my BFF depending on if and how soon I get a response my mood may improve slightly.On the way to work only loud music or complete silence will do.I spend my entire shift annoyed,jumpy and anxious.Half way through my shift I want nothing more than to be alone,sleep and talk to my BFF.By the time my shift is over I feel like I just want to sleep but I cant evening chores await me at home.I can't wait to get home and see my pets;I also can't wait to finish chores so i can crawl into bed and be alone.I complain I never get to do anything yet when I get invited to do things I don't want to go.The only person I have any interest spending time with is my BFF.I hate feeling lonely yet love being alone.Finally I get to go to bed wether or not I can actually sleep is another story. *sigh*
- —Guest OneBigContradiction
- I go through everyday motions. I go play ball and through it all i find my self a worthless Christian. The only reason to live is Jesus and if I'm not doing that, then what's the point. I come home after looking back on the day and seeing what an empty effect I have as a Christian on my "friends". I was so worthless of a Christian that I never set a path for the one I love to follow and because of that she has fallen into even deeper sin. So much for making fishers of men. I see everything I've tried to be great at and they all are for The Lord, but I have failed so miserably at them. Worthless worthless Christian = me = worthless person
- —Guest Helpless
Get away from it all
- I want to die. All the time. I feel like burden to my husband, I'm ruining my marriage. MY son is missing out on having the mother he deserves. I can't control anything anymore, I want to die. I want to die slowly in a way that causes me pain, as if dying painfully will somehow release something. I want this constant pressure and tension to go away so I can feel normal. I don't want to take any more meds, I want control of myself. I think, and dream, about killing myself, because I see no other options for relief.
- —Guest Lost
No one really cares...
- I am 33 yrs old n a mother of 4 kids. I wish for numbness, hope for death, and pray for peace of mind. My life feels like one bad day after another. I haven't enjoyed myself since my youngest child was born. I take Celexa 40 mgs per day and Buspar 10 mgs twice a day. I worry all the time still but the Celexa helps my anger. But I still just want to cry all the time. I feel like a bad mother and wife because I just have no energy to do daily chores around the house and I feel like a lazy piece oc sh*t because I can't work a normal job. My husband is a good guy and I know he loves me but I'm scared he'll get tired of all the responsibility and leave. I am scared he'll give up on me even though he sees that I try so hard to get back to my normal self and back to being the woman he fell in love with and married. I am so worthless. I see no end in sight. There is no light at the end of the tunnel, only eternal darkness and hopelessness.
- —Guest Erika
- Everything is okay, nothingis wrong with me. I always say that, but when I finally decide to cry out for help about all of my pain, it's all just a lie to my dad. I only had my friends, and even then no one would understand why I was depressed and suicidal. My dad finally took me to a therpist after a mental breakdown. Finally, tired of the therapy, I became a little actress-- hid my feelings. I still do up to this day. Every weekend I have a time where I just sit in my room and cry. I'm tired all of the time, and my family especially my dad always irritate me and some of my friends. Most of the time I just want to be alone. I don't want to go to school, and I just want to lay in my bed and listen to music. It's the best way to pretend I'm okay, because I'm afraid that if I tell my dad, I will be just trying to get attention to him. I don't understand why every word that comes out of my mouth to him is a lie, but when I say, "I'm fine" it's like the keywords to get him t leave me alone
- —Guest Little Actress
To far gone...
- The dark is my friend. I can't stand to be in light. I get so nervous around people. I don't want any kind of attention from anybody. My body hurts constantly. I'm tired all of the time. All I want to do is sit in my chair, in the dark, away from everyone. I often think of death and how it would be so peaceful just to go to sleep and never wake up. I hate life. My doctor had me on Celexa for a year now, helped a little but couldn't afford to go to the doc office every month so now he won't refill my prescription. I have been without it for four days now and I feel like I'm stuck in a bad dream. I can't focus. If I'm going to feel like this the rest of my life, if its to late for me then I pray for death. Peaceful death...
- —Guest Charles
- I was diagnosed with Bipolar when I was 17 years old while being under the states care in phychiatric facilities. I am now 25. And have been out of states care since I was 19 almost 20. I immediatly went off meds when i got out & i immediatly stopped therapy. I knew I was really okay & that the coping skills i learned will help me with everyday life.But still kinda in denial that I was really any different than anyone else. I feel that i can accomplish anything anyone else can & i can control myself just as well as anyone else. i dont need meds & i dont need therapy. i dont need anyone. i can do everything i want by myself.but thats the denial talking. to admit that i am bipolar is to admit that i am weak. that i am crazy. and that i cant do it alone. that i need help. i cant do that. its so hard. but living without help and admitting and be honest with myself is so tough. i feel crazy fo holding it all in. i feel different. and i dont want to. i cant ask for help. im better than that.
- —Guest Bipolar Bethany