I want to be ME!

Dear Laurel B..Here we go again,as I am a meditator,who has made my psychic[spelled correctly?] abilities stronger,as we all have the ability to tap our own conciousness! I am what I call myself “a veteran manic-depressive!” meaning,I understand my bi-polar disprder! I’ve been on Lithium for 11yrs,the other day my dr.insisted I try “Abilify w/Lamictal”,the reason for this was because I wanted to cut the 2-450mil’s to one,because of this 15lb weight-gain..so I stopped taking them all together,which was worse than “loss of creativity”We must accept,our brains inbalance,by making sure we do “something”,as our brain doesn’t relate to our weight-gain dilema! For you,I don’t know what or how long or the med’s your doctor wants to give you,you’ve not said anything!Creativity comes from within,I haven’t lost mine,it is “innate”,you either have it or not,so as far as “creative writing”one cannot be taught “how” to attain a talented hand at writting! You must explain what it is that you will not take,I don’t understand why many do not look for “alternative” amino acids,& the many other depression aids..forget the ones on tv,every minute,w/ the “side-effects” alone,one could become so sick as I did w/ “Abilify”,I awoke feeling worse than any hangover I used to have 30yrs ago! Talk about “being me”,I feel outside of myself,as if I am not here,I suffer depression each day,& the FDA makes a fortune on the high % of those who suffer from it..the number one illness is depression,not “lung C-” from smoking,the food we eat has made us sick,so do the choices of food many people eat! They’re too cheap to buy fish,but will spend money on fancy clothes! I do not think,if you take what you “need”,you’ll loose your creativity,I never did! So,be honest w/ us by sharing more info,rather than just straight talk re:what med’s you should be on….Is this the first time you’ve been diagnosed as having manid-d ? Funny,but I was thinking about bi-polar questions like this before I looked at about.com this morning,that’s what I meant by being phycic,& my ledger has more than that in it,each day I think it,& it becomes a realty! I would give anything to have not had “BI_POLAR” but since there are thousands of people who’ve never been diagnosed,but have this,I am not that alone,I meet people who I know have this,but they think they’re great,that it’s a matter of opinion,but I can spot them right away,they’re worse than me!!I may have bi-polar,but they have a case of twisted thinking,left undiagnosed,I know right away those whose attitudes are nasty,self centered,& especially the doctors who think they know us,they’ve never had what we do,how do they know what it feels like,only “we” know our own body[ies]! The choice “Abilify?”,I told him I was already tod by another doctor it is not “for me!” but they think,w/ their Phd mentalities,thinking like I said that “they” know all the answers,that’s why I was annoyed at “about.com”,they ignored an entire story on manic-depression,there’s nothing I’ve ever read,that was new to me re: what they think “we’re thinking” & feeling,no degree’s,or medical data,can do anything to change what we suffer,nor does anyone know!I have depression too,do you? It’s different when one suffers from both,manic-d & Depression!”Amoryn”&Seledyn[anxiety]has been online for 7yrs”Amoryn” is said to help depression,for those who are too lazy to explore this.it’s a shame,so share more info,as it’s hard to discuss anything w/ 1/2 the facts..

Since I have been on my Bipolar meds I cannot cry or really get upset at hardly anything. There have been times that I would like to get off these meds in order to have some feelings about something or anything for that matter.

I have found that since I have been on my meds I have lost MOST of my creativity and it’s horribe!!! I create detailed dolls in clay and go to miniature show with them but now I can’t even force myself into my work room. I bring things out and still get nowhere. I work at my best when I am manic, I feel the energy and my work shows the difference. There seems to be no happy medium I think I’m stuck being emotionless and unable to work at my love anymore. Anyone find a solution to this problem I sure would love to know.

My daughter has been on many different meds (with various side effects) since she was 11 years old. At 19, we believe she is properly diagnosed after several years of trial and error and unfortunately, meds which control the negative behaviors do affect energy levels and in my daughter’s case, losing interest in things—not quite depression but a frustrating lethargy. We are still working (as you must) on getting a better balkance of meds while combining it with some kind of talk therapy, like DBT to reshape coping skills, to help reduce meds and the effects of them.,

I used to play keyboard and piano. Loved to create and play composed music from other people. Since I’ve been on meds,(for 8 yrs now)I have had no desire to to even look at a piano. I agree that I am also more creative when manic. However, I am also destructive. So on the with the meds I go.

Since taking my meds, I have lost my creativity in writing poetry, etc. When manic I seem to have lots of good ideas, thoughts, and lots of energy to get them done. Now that I am on meds, I have not written poems, short stories, or followed through with any projects that I wanted to get done. For example: when I was manic, I decided to build a minature church for a prayer house, just so my daughters or I could take time alone in it if need be, well, since I am now on meds, my prayer house ended up being a doghouse, I lost the creativity I felt and had given up on it. However, if I quit my meds, then I crash and get severely depressed, I wish there was a happy medium.

I find that I am much less creative on my meds. Would like to go off them to get my creativity back, but I could go into a manic episode very quickly – so I have sacrificed my creativity for a “normal” life.

Hey there! I was on many kinds of meds from 2003 till july of 2009.. I have no feelings at all while I was on all of them! Now that I have been off I love my life and love feeling my moods.. I have started song writing again and feel like I have my life back! I am never going on all those drugs again.. Now if and when I have to go on meds I am doing one pill at a time..

I too have lost creativity. But I am much easier to live with say my friends.

When I was in college I consistently wrote papers of twenty pages or more, and that’s when the profs were asking for only three, or five, or ten. The words would flow from my head to my fingers like Niagra. When I look back at the papers I wrote then, I cant believe it was me at the keyboard. A few years back I wrote a play in ten days – it was published. I could not do it today if I had to.

When I try to write today, I need to use cognition rather than emotion to fill out the page – it’s more difficult. And when I try to write fiction, I am lost – it’s much harder for me “to go there” than before. Medications stifle my creativity for sure.

I do miss those days, but when it’s all added up, the spending sprees, the ruined relationships, the anxiety, I choose the way I feel today. I think more and react less now.

Hawke is one of the smartest cookies on the forum. Hes helped me tons. I love how gentle he is too. There are so many creative people who are heavily but properly medicated, Im a great example of this, my poetry didnt make sense till I got stable on my meds, now Im self publishing twice a year and getting published by my schools lit mag. Not to mention my witting for the school newspaper.

I have been bp1 for more than 20 years. For most of that time I have been maintained on lithium alone. I have held creative professional positions while on medicine. I find that, when stable, I can ‘tap’ into creativity rather than wait for it to visit…and not leave. Do not fear that you lose yourself if you have to take a simple salt to be stable. You will be much more productive creatively if you are not sidelined by a mania or a crash. best to you

Hi i am definitely less creative on my meds, i use to be able to draw and paint and write poetry when i was manic, this is a downfall for me because i loved doing these things.but my friends and family say i am easier to live with and to understand when on them.But i disagree but will still take my meds because i love them.

I think I have found the right med combo for myself. I am stable, self aware, taking joy in life again. I think you have to find the right med combo, and do talk therapy, and be honest with it, Doesn’t make any sense to talk to someone if you aren’t honest about your emotions and feelings. If you don’t know how you feel, discuss that, be honest!! I am currently illustrating a children’s book my friend has written. Like someone said earlier, I feel I can tap into my creativity now, instead of waiting on a manic high. I hope that my words have helped someone and don’t give up on the right med combo, it took me 10 years but was well worth the work and sweat, blood and tears I had to go through.

Obviously, there is a great deal of variety in this illness and its manifestations. THat being said. I think the meds can definitely take off not only the edge but also the creative impulses. Its a horrible hobson’s choice. Most people take the medication because they have to take the medication in order to maintain stability. But I think, its nonsense to tell people that there isnt a cost for taking the drugs. There is.

The bible does talk about drug use. It speaks against sorcery and I thought “Well we don’t have that sort of goofy stuff anymore. It must have been applicable back then, but not now.” However, the mistranslated Greek was actually “pharmacia” and referred to drug use. We were not meant to alter ourselves constantly. Our feelings don’t define us. If you’re feeling out of control, I’d recommend Joyce Meyer’s tape called Fickle Feelings. She really puts the proper perspective on our emotional health.

I too have problems with creativity now that I am on meds. I have been diagnosed in ‘88. I used to write lyrics and the words just flowed from my mind. Now I can’t even get a word out. I hate it because I feel tired and fatiqued all the time. I know that if I go off my meds, I will be hard to live with. My moods wil flip flop within hours and I will get irritable and upset. I can’t go without them.
I agree, if you can find a way to get the creativity back, let me know too.

Before meds I was inconsistent in my creativity, being veru productive when hypomanic, just confused and distressed whentruly manic and depressed. Since taking meds, I have a more steady creativity. I continue to write poetry and get published in literary magazines and journals, I have a book of poems coming out this year and I also paint and draw almost daily. I keep a journal too. In addition, I read and study voraciously and am a serious Buddhist meditator. My inner life is rich and active. It is possible to be overdrugged, which does ruin one’s cognitive abilities, but I am on just the right amount to keep my BP 1 controlled without losing my creativity in the least. If anything, I have had more success in publishing poetry since I started on meds. I was far too up and down before to make much headway in “the real world”.

I have Bipolar II. I am an artist. I have to take my meds.
I love hypomania but it is too easy to slip into mania.
Trying to stop mania is like trying to catch lightening in a bottle!!! I always get dysphoric mania. It is not worth the devastation to me or my family!! I am a more stable and productive artist on my meds.
Though I will always miss the euphoria of hypomania.

I can so relate….
My main background is theatre (actually tech and design). I am fortunate that I teach a Stage Crew class and the kids love it so it keeps me motivated, otherwise it would go by the wayside.
I also teach Drama to middle schoolers. I find it very challenging and some days just hate it, BUT this past summer I started teaching at a a summer camp at a local children’s theatre. I taught 1st thru 4th grade. I LOVE it. I had a melt down part way thru the summer and missed a week or two, I can’t remember. I was nervous that they wouldn’t want me back but they welcomed me back with open arms…AND complimented me of how I was like the new teacher of the year. (I tried to take the compliment and not wreck it into something it wasn’t)
I am also in a choir and might go back to another choir that I took a hiatis from. I have had moments where I had to take the night off…but I am letting myself be OK with that.
I am also in the middle of writing a play. I wrote 35 pages of it just before I went into the hospital this summer in my manic mode. I felt I had no where to go with it but last week I had a nightmare and now know how to end it. I am considering animating it but it might be too much. Wait and see. I am giving myself time to let the creative juices flow.
Finally I started some art work. Picture mosaics. It too 5 months. I like it. My theripist encouraged me to do it. I broght it in to therapy for weeks and we talked about it. NOW…she wants me to change some things…it involves my bipolar obviously…I am changinging…so the art should change. I have everything ready to go finally…I started in November and will hopefully finish it in the next week or two.
It is GREAT to be crative. I think as bipolar people we still have that creativity in us we just have to take our time and give ourselves a break. I know for myself, if I didn’t fiish in a certain amout of time I was a failure. Now I feel that if I let it marinate (as my therapist says) it gets better. Gosh I know how hard it is getting out and being creative AGAIN is but I suggest baby steps and don’t be hard on yourself.

Not sure why I can’t get into the forums…but regarding dating/relationships. To me it’s been a bouncing ball. Over 10 years ago when I broke up my last relationship, I was not diagnosed. I spent the next 10 years gaining weight and felt like crap about myself. Then I had bariatric surgery…I feel better but then I started drinking more and went to AA. I’ve been sober 2 years and found out I was bipolar a little over a year ago. I have had a few dates (my therapist doesn’t think I should at all until I am stable a year…but I am 46). The first date…got screwed up because of my therapist…but I was honest on the 2nd date (this was with match.com) Now I have met someone new this last week. We had coffee…good or bad she is a mental health councelor. The next time we get together I am going to lay my cards on the table. I was even practicing what I was going to say. I figure what the heck…why wait. If she can’t handle it, it’s best to know now. Will I be upset yes….but I will understand. I’m kind of hoping that since she is a councelor she will be more open mined…but maybe she knows too much and doesn’t want to deal with a head case.
In conclusion. I say, be honest soon. It hurts but once you have a vested interested keeping the secret or telling and finding out they don’t want to deal with it will be worse.

My sons are both very creative,The elder one is an artist from the age of two and the second is a musical prodigy.
The neurolist “labelled’ them as bipolar manic depressives.
He put them on Zyxspexa and seroxate.
Their temperament became calm but they lost their creativity.
I am a clinical pharmacist myself, so I tapered the drugs and put my elder one on Imipramine 10 mg daily.
Both my sons are over 20.
My elder son has a very weak urine stream from the time he was put on Zyxpexa up to now, with no organic disease.
The second son is complaining of low libido.
Please do not take drugs blindly , as a pharmacist I know that most drugs are a hit or miss thing.
If you find yourself less creative or with any other symptomps, wean yourself from the drugs and get second and third opinions.

Please people, this is very important. Find an EFT practitioner and arrange a meeting with him/her. If you cannot find one, go to http://www.emofree.com/downloadeftmanual.asp and download the manual. Gary Craig and a host of other EFT practitioners have dealt with all manner of ailments, both physiological and psychological, including PTSD at a Vietnam Veteran’s Associatiation. Youy owe it to yourselves and your loved ones to get well. EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) works wonders. I am aan amateur and I have used it to cure a number of chronic conditions in friends and family members. It WORKS!
I love you all.
Keith.

I am an artist, writer, sculptor, mom, wife, athlete…ect. I too have run the gamut of medicines over the last year. I was diagnosed in Jan of 09′ and since have been on 6 different meds at varying dosages. Had all the yucky side effects. And spent some time in the hospital over the summer. Once on the meds (and I was on far too much for me) my creativity died and I no longer ran or played soccer or tennis. I had no interest in the things I once loved.I spent the majority of a year in a gray box and hated it.

So this November I went off everything slowly. And slowly I started to come back out of my hole. I now paint and write…I do it all again, but then I kept going up and up and up until I lost touch with reality. The world didn’t look real anymore. I quit sleeping and eating and then went full manic break. They tried to send me back to the hospital. So I had to go back on the meds again and find a healthy balance. I’m back on low doses of the same meds and as long as I sleep and remember to eat, oh and not drink… then I’m as ok as I can get.

This last year has been terrible and I am tired and broken, but I think and hope I’m on the right path again. I hope all of us find a healthy balance that allows us to be us and utilize the creativity that lives inside every one of us. I am not meant to live like the rest of the world. I’ve known that my whole life. What the majority of the world sees as normal and good I see as gray. For us that weren’t built like everyone else. I hope we find that we are ok being us.

Dear Laurel,

Lithium leaves me as flat and uninteresting as unleavened bread. I hate it. But without the lithium, I spiral into dark, dark caves of my mind where really scary things dwell. I’ve recently reduced my dosage of lithium in order to be alive again. It appears to be working a bit. I’d never go off of it, though. Best of luck!

I was originally diagnosed with BP in 1981. They put me on sinequan. When I went home to my kids I couldn’t function, couldn’t take care of them. I went off the meds. Ten years later I fell apart and ended up in the hospital. That’s when the real merry-go-round of meds started. There have been times when all I could do is sleep away my life. I completely stopped writing. This past year I made the decision to slowly go off my meds. Those close to me say they notice the difference. I’m definitely more excitable, and there are days when I find it necessary to stay away from the world. But for the first time in years I am writing again. It feels so good to be able to get swept up in the moment of ideas and to be able to write them down. I am determined to keep things this way. I am completely fed up with the weight gain, constipation, serious side effects, and lack of personality that is me when I’m on the meds. I feel oh so much more motivated to sit down in front of my computer and WRITE. I will monitor my emotions, take breaks when I need them, continue with talk therapy. But-I WILL NOT TAKE MEDS ANYMORE. Those who love me will stand by me as they always have. And I will be able to continue to write, as I have always believed I was meant to do!

I may have lost certain aspects of my creativity, but others have blossomed for me. I am now having a great deal of fun with creative writing. I can analyze music and am often asked by close friends for a recommendation for a ring tone for so-and-so. Okay, so I can’t stay up until 3am anymore. That’s okay. I can write things that move people and love singing in the shower. The MAIN THING is I’m out of the hospital, not there every 3 weeks. It’s worth any trade off I could have imagined.

Just wanted to say that it depends on what medications. I had been on some that took all of the goodness out of me. Now I am stable and I have to say that I am just as good if not better than before. Creativity is my strongsuit, it kind of goes with the bipolar territory; does it not? It’s all in your mind; better to live well on meds, than to live in sorrow and craziness.

I have never lost anything on meds but craziness. Of course, it did take several years and a lot of experimentation to find just the right combination for me, but now that I have, it’s so much better to have my life back. I really don’t believe that crazy, raving lunatic who wrote books and books of incoherent drivel all night for months was “me,” nor was the depressed person who couldn’t get out of bed, take a shower, or do anything at all but stare at the ceiling. Now that I’ve found the right combination of meds, I can write my detective novels again, I’ve graduated from undergraduate and law school, and I’ve drafted some pretty awesome briefs, if I do say so myself! No, I’d never give up my meds and stability just to have some crazy idea of “creativity” which was just out-of-control behavior.