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 Marcia Purse

Do you feel guilty about having bipolar disorder?

By October 7, 2012

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Imprisoned by guilt
Imprisoned by Guilt
Nir Nussbaum / Flickr
Melody Moezzi, writing in the Summer issue of bp Magazine, said she realized she was carrying a lot of guilt, blaming herself for having bipolar. "I know my guilt is irrational," she said. "I know it's unfounded. Still, I can't seem to fully shake it." Does this sound like you?

What she's been doing to reduce her level of guilt is to acknowledge it and then look at it objectively. If she were looking at a stranger, would she blame that person?

My own guilt is, I think, a little different. I don't feel that I've ever blamed myself for having bipolar depression. But I'm often wracked with guilt for not doing a better job of coping with it.

This is a common symptom of depression, and maybe you're more like me. I tell myself I should be able to get up and do more housework. I should be able to get more work done. I should be able to run my errands when I need to. And I can't figure out what to do about this kind of guilt, either. On the one hand, it makes my life miserable; but on the other hand, it can spur me on, so if I quit feeling guilty, I might not get anything done.

I suspect the answer lies in a different direction. Lately when I find myself playing too much computer solitaire, I sometimes ask myself if this is what I want out of these minutes of my life. Generally the answer is "no" and leads me toward some more profitable activity. On the other hand, I've been carrying around a lot of self-blame for feeling so fatigued. It has taken me months to make peace with the fact that after having had 3 serious illnesses this year and new problems with severe pain as a result, my fatigue is not something to feel guilty about. I now need naps for physical reasons, not because I'm depressed and don't know what else to do. What about you? Do you feel guilty about having bipolar disorder? Do you feel guilty about how you cope with it?

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Comments
October 7, 2012 at 6:17 pm
(1) jeri says:

Yes i feel guilty abt they way i cope with bipolar. It
Is draining. Exausting. Frustrating. I shut down. Alot.
The depression is horrible. My tolerance for stress has
Gotten worse and worse. Aft 40 years, and with other
Health problems too, i am fed up. I barely function.
When manic i waste time doing things, getting ideas that go nowhere. Depressed and i just cant muster energy to care about anything. Ashamed of not being a productive member of society. I dont blame myself for being bipolar but feel i should be able to cope with it better aft so long.

October 8, 2012 at 5:15 am
(2) Teresa says:

Yes. I feel most guilty about the way I cope with it. When I don’t get things done (everyday, of course), I feel that I am lazy, a loser, and subconsicouly using BD as an “excuse.” I do feel guilty in another way too.

I became an alcoholic at age 18. For the next five years, I grabbed a lot of my family’s attention. I know that didn’t make my younger sister feel so good. And now, even though we’re 49 and 51 years old, and live in different states, I feel like I once again have grabbed the family’s attention.

October 8, 2012 at 11:53 am
(3) THOMAS says:

I have days when I feel greatly guilty about my bp, mainly because of what it did to my family. I think of all the years wasted, struggling with it (of course I was not diagnosed until my late 40′s) and the devastating effects on jobs, church, family and my mental/physical health.
Now, I try to cope & remind myself how far I have come with medication and therapy. Many times it works, sometimes not. The main thing is to try, use your coping skills (tool belt I like to call it) and call for support.
My children are adults now and they are so supportive and loving. When I graduated college this year, the amount of praise from them carried me for months! I recall that feeling when I start feeling guilty.

October 8, 2012 at 12:27 pm
(4) Lela says:

I have a lot of guilt over both my past and the present. Before I was diagnosed properly, I had difficulty holding jobs and did things I’m now ashamed of (and have problems forgiving myself for).

Now, I have problems leaving the apartment. I’ve got an anxiety disorder alongside my bipolar, so even when I’m relatively “stable” (thanks to meds), I can over-think myself into a corner over even the littlest of tasks like walking the dog. I haven’t worked since before I was diagnosed, and I feel ashamed for how much of my slack my husband has to make up for.

October 8, 2012 at 2:11 pm
(5) Kevin says:

No guilt here. I blame Big Bird.

October 8, 2012 at 7:45 pm
(6) Brian Cooper says:

Personally, I do not feel guilty about having an illness anymore than say someone with recurring cancer feels guilty. It is just a disruption of the chemicals in my brain causing me to act or behave this way. That is what I believe to be true and as far as Iíve read, science agrees. Or did I just miss something?
Oh in the past, I felt ashamed of having this disorder, but now I believe it is because of the stigma associated with it in the media and of hearing personal conversations like ďheís just crazy or bi-polarĒ. I think the attitudes of others triggered my own shame for something that was beyond my control physically in my brain.
Iíve come to realize though that having to carry around that shame is like trying to carry a sack of heavy rocks in a sea-bag wherever you go. That is why I rid myself of the shame by letting others know I am Bipolar if it comes up in conversation like ďitís no big deal really because itís an incurable illness, yes, but one ĎIí can manageĒ. It has shocked some because most of the time I appear Ďnormalí to them.
My loved ones and real friends understand that I have this illness. Others that do not care to be around me, I do not need them, but do not fault them for their concerns nor just dismiss them either. Iím accepting of all attitudes and respect others opinions on the subject as long as I do not have to agree with them on it. I agree to disagree basically.
To sum it up, I did, but donít anymore and that has released a burden of worry off my shoulders so heavy it has caused me physical pain at times. I no longer feel the need to hide the heart I wear on my sleeve and proud to have feelings that are deeper and more real than some.

October 9, 2012 at 12:03 pm
(7) Marcia Purse / Bipolar Disorder Guide says:

Brian, some people do feel guilty, even though this guilt is irrational. It’s good that you don’t feel guilty.

October 9, 2012 at 12:54 pm
(8) Kathleen Brannon says:

Oh, guilt is a huge problem for me. Sometimes it becomes so overwhelming that I actually become delusional and/or paranoid about it. Some of that goes back to my early childhood experiences, and I am trying to work on those with my psychiatrist/therapist. For me, the guilt is compounded by the fact that I am a self-injurer — and my shame and guilt over that is so strong I can’t conquer it. These are all problems when my bipolar is active (it can be dormant and I can have periods of normality for 10 years or more) and I am in the depressed phase. The SI makes it tough too because I have ugly and prominent scars, and people stare at me, sometimes ask me what happened,….and I just don’t want to get into it. I’m also ashamed about the scars around my children — who are kind of in denial about my illness even though I have been upfront about it since they were little. That hurts the most really, their fear or embarrassment of me, even to my face. I have had therapists who have tried to “argue” me out of my guilt, but I know it’s irrational (most of the time), and arguing is a big waste of time. Forcing myself to do something outside of the house that I can do competently at least helps sometimes. I’m also thinking lately that I might look into religion partly as a way to deal with the crushing guilt. Thank you all for showing me I’m not alone wit this! Keep telling yourself you don’t deserve the punishment you’re inflicting on yourself by feeling guilty!

October 9, 2012 at 1:43 pm
(9) Linda says:

Yes, I feel guilty that I do not fight bp, and don’t accomplish those things I want to acccomplish. I can’t even begin to think what undiagnosed bp did to my family, or that I passed the disease on to my children. It does me no good to dwell on these things, so I try not to. I have good days and bad days, and am learning to say I need a hug really bad. I’m 63 and doing pretty good. Dr. has me on sertraline and says I have a 98 chance of getting worse if I go off it. That’s depressing because I feel guilty for being on meds.

October 9, 2012 at 2:18 pm
(10) Firmidha says:

Having read these comments and a few articles, I am deeply concerned. Since yesterday, I have been extremely exhausted. Added to that is an abnormal feeling of “heaviness” and weakness in my limbs especially. My thoughts are disjointed and “floaty”. I just cant get all my work done. I am totally disorganised. This is a first for me. Although I cant get things done, I’m always working. It is really frustrating me. I have always managed to meet deadlines and produce results. Here’s the thing: I am aware of all these problems yet I just don’t care. I am not concerned about my superiors coming down on me. I just dont have the drive to care about it. I only need to sleep. The feeling of heaviness and dragging myself around is scary though. Is this depression? Am I having an episode? Should I bother? Will it pass?

October 9, 2012 at 2:18 pm
(11) Rory says:

I need to ask each of you posting. Please explain how you diagnosis was made. Was there any lab work done to determine you had a chemical imbalance? CAT scan? What tests, if any where done. I’m fairly sure that 99.9% of you didn’t have any. Why? Because there is none, your diagnosis came from an observation by a doctor, who has no medical background nor any proven method to detect any physiological imbalance taking place period. The only thing they have is strictly theory. Face it you have been lead to believe a theory, and prescribed drugs that are dangerous, and given because the drug salesman tells your doctor the work.

October 9, 2012 at 2:31 pm
(12) PJP says:

For 20 years I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder-Episodic. Was given SSRIs, they work for a while-then I would end up in the Psych ward. The cycle continued like that for 20 years. I blamed myself, believing the dr.s knew what my illness was. 4 years ago I was finally properly diagnosed and properly medicated. I cannot believe the difference – I feel somewhat ‘normal’ now. I still have cycles, but I recognize them and able to ride through them or contact the dr. if I need a med adjustment. I have incredible guilt over impulsive behavior during that 20 years. My son is so embarasssed of me he hasn’t spoken to me in 4+ years. That’s what hurts the most, losing him. I am also terrified that he may have it or pass it on to his kids. There is a huge genetic component in my family. I am just having the worst time trying to forgive myself. I beat myself up continually. Logically I know I am not at fault for GETTING the illness, but feel like I ‘should’ have known I had BPII a long time ago. I think I will struggle with the guilt for the rest of my life.

October 9, 2012 at 2:35 pm
(13) PJP says:

Rory-We have not been brainwashed by a dr. This is a real illness that requires real medication and treatment. There are other types of illnesses that don’t have a specific blood test for diagnosis. I certainly hope you don’t have BP and are in denial because proper treatment can make a huge positive change. Best of luck to you.

October 9, 2012 at 2:42 pm
(14) Sue says:

I used to feel a lot of guilt…not being able to keep up with day to day tasks, the dishes would pile up, etc…my depression was bad as well. But for the past 4 months or so I’ve had more mania, not out of control, not a high..high…but just enough to push me out of the doom and glum, no more obsessing thank God…..I do suffer guilt and shame though if I have a day of talking too much…..I feel those feelings the next day….it reminds me of how I would feel if I drank to much the night before and would always make a complete idiot of myself. I’ve been sober for 8 years now so at least that is gone.

October 9, 2012 at 3:03 pm
(15) Norelle says:

Rory, how wrong you are!! You do realize that psychiatrists are medical doctors that have then gone on to study further to become psychiatrists don’t you?? So yes, we are seeing medical doctors. I did have blood work done before I was prescribed any medication. My Pdoc wanted to be certain my symptoms were not being caused by some other medical condition – they were not. I did answers many written forms (tests) that helped my doctor decide what my illness is. When we started to discuss bipolar disease, I was given several more written tests to fill out to finalize her diagnosis.

You are correct that at this time, there are no scans or x-rays or blood tests that will show the doctor his/her patient has bipolar disease, but all symptoms are there. My doctor knows I have it. I know I have it. I don’t need any other proof.

All the above does is get us off track about how we feel about having bipolar. Yes, I do feel guilty about having bipolar. The hypo-mania is wonderful. Who would complain about having endless energy to clean and cook and do everything on that dreaded to do list in just a couple days? The depression side though is the worst. I can always feel it coming and fight it as hard as I can. I try my hardest to get up and do my “normal” activities for as long as possible. I warn my family that it is coming. When it gets very bad and I can’t function normally, I feel so guilty that I am not cooking, cleaning, doing laundry and all my normal activities. The guilt just makes the depression worse and the cycle continues. I recently went through a 4 month bout of major depression. Finally my doctor has found another medication that seems to be working and I am on my way up again. I am so happy to be feeling close to what I consider my normal again.

October 9, 2012 at 3:37 pm
(16) Janice Murphy says:

I’m grateful for my diagnosis and medication keeps me on an even keel..However I feel guilty about my behavior and the way I treated people when I was so sick. I just thought that I was insane.
My life is not perfect but at least I can cope. I still feel very fatigued
and unmotivated at times ..just can’t “get going” and feel guilty about that. But I am so grateful that the depression is gone and so are the mood swings.

October 9, 2012 at 4:01 pm
(17) Paddy says:

I feel guilty because it has interfered with my ability to support myself. I feel guilty because I can no longer work as an RN and have to rely on family for financial support. This is very disapointing. I also feel guilty that my family has to keep an eye on my moods and tread around my mood swings, especially the depression. I agree with Norelle that hypo-mania is great. It feels good to get things done that usually take effort. The guilt is when the crash occurs after such a good feeling. I also feel guilty about having the illness because I don’t think it is fair to those around me with all they have to do to help me. They all do it lovingly and telll me not to feel bad about it because I have no controll over it, but that doesn’t take the guilty feelings away.

Rory as far as I’m concerned… you’re the one disillusioned. Bipolar is REAL. You don’t know how hard those of us with it struggle to lead a “normal” life which I’m sure you think you have. Don’t judge us and put our physicians down. They work hard to help us function and they know what they are doing. I wish there was a brain scan to diagnose so people like you would shut up and not mouth off on something you know nothing about. I’ve said enough, sorry to my bp pals for going off, but Rory struck a raw nerve. Life is good. Care to all of you.

October 9, 2012 at 7:27 pm
(18) brendafawn says:

Yes,i feel guilty quite a lot.i feel guilty because i get depressed and don’t do anything all day.i feel bad because i go to the store to get some things and when i get home i don’t even have what i went for.ii feel as though I’m neglecting my family. Sometimes i totally forget what i started to do and start doing something else. As far as diagnosis it came from thirty five years of observation by family and friends, years of counseling, numerous medications that never worked or only worked a little while. Total destruction of my life and eve ryone’s around me. Failed relationships and no end of jobs.i don’t need bloodwork or tests to tell me something is wrong. i know and yes it is a daily thing to see if that was the day mess about working again, but while they are working it is such a relief.

October 9, 2012 at 8:02 pm
(19) Patricia Meade says:

I can understand the pain associated with guilt and bipolar disorder symptoms. I have found that you have to truly embrace your mental disorder and accept your limitations. It is alright to doing nothing sometimes. And sometimes doing nothing is too much. I guess I am saying that having normal life is overrated. You must remember that not all symptoms are negative. I am a life coach who specializes in bipolar life skills training with lived experience. My heart goes out to those of you whose struggle is overwhelming and forgive those who get in your way to self-acceptance.

October 9, 2012 at 9:27 pm
(20) maniccarousel says:

I feel extremely guilty. I hate that I cannot control my mania. I spend money I don’t have. I can’t handle stress and I’m going thru a tough time physically dealing with a possibility of having cancer. It’s caused me to have an incredibly high mania when I thought I was handling things well. i spent about 10,000 $ plus over 3 months and I didn’t know it. Really. I went thru all of that and had grandiose ideas of things like buying a house (I have no money and don’t work), buying a dog that’s purbred $2,850.00 and I don’t even need a dog, having trees cut down in the front yard and buying new large trees and I don’t even know the costs (I have people coming to give quotes). I am just all over the place. I had to borrow $2,500 just to pay bills this month so I wouldn’t be in trouble. Yes I feel guilt. I am over 50. I am humiliated. Some days, I have only a dollar. Some days none. I hate this happens to me. I am a good person. Why can’t I see this coming and why can’t my meds help during these times? I feel it’s definitely my fault. Why do I take meds if they don’t work and then I want to quit them. But then I agree to increase the dose because I know the stress is just too high. I just couldn’t handle whatever is going on at the time. I even changed my hair three times. I know don’t have much left. I had it down below my shoulders. It’s now bleached white and very short. I’m superfat thanks to a higher dose of Seroquel but Seroquel is the only med that can slow down my mania. God help me and people like me.

October 9, 2012 at 10:39 pm
(21) Sarah says:

Let’s all just ignore Rory. I’m guessing he’s a scientologist.

October 10, 2012 at 12:07 am
(22) kat says:

I feel guilt most of the time. But I try to push myself but that doesn’t always happen either. I believe my pills make me sleepy. There are not many days I have alot of energy.
ifeel bad my houswork gets behind and I have a nagging mother whom i always have on the back of my mind to help.
What do I do?
I split with my husband a few months back. and at that very same time my psychiartris discharged me. Go figure.
any suggestions for energy?

October 10, 2012 at 11:24 am
(23) Patricia Meade says:

It depends on why your psych discharged you. If you were stable to him that is good although you still feel bad. We have to realize that medications are not the cure-all and it takes symptom management skills to do the rest. Often we have to accept that this is the best that we are going to get…and live with it. My motto is embrace your limitations because all people have them. When did it become not ok to not feel well?

October 10, 2012 at 12:19 pm
(24) Mark says:

I have felt guilty from day one. It doesn’t help when your family still denies my illness, even though I’ve had 3 top doctors tell me I am bipolar. It really hurts when the people closest to you don’t want to learn about my illness. Just because they know of one person with bipolar who is functioning well, they expect me to be the same. How ridiculous is that. Every person is different. This illness has given me the fight of my life. I do feel better when I’m around others with mental health issues. They don’t judge, and understand what I am going through. Don’t leave everything up to your doctor. Read !! as much as you can ( this is not rocket science) and be persistent when asking questions . I have made recommendations in my treatment and after pushing them, I finally got passed their egos for them to take me seriously. I have also gone through 4 psychiatrists. They didn’t believe me when I told them I wasn’t happy with them and would leave. They thought I’d never go. DON’T be afraid to look for other doctors if you are not happy with yours. They are human and can screw up as well.

October 10, 2012 at 4:13 pm
(25) suzy says:

I have just read all of these comments and cried the whole time. I’m so grateful that i’m not as alone as I feel pretty much everyday. I was diagnosed about 4 yrs ago with BP & it can be such a lonely illness when no 1 seems to understand. Thanks to all that post here.

October 10, 2012 at 8:13 pm
(26) KEO says:

Guilt is an interesting way of putting it. I was diagnosed with Bipolar I 15 years ago. Regulating my medications and overcoming guilt and mostly insecurity about who I was and what people thought of me went on for a quality 8 or so years. I tried supporting myself and living independently, but after a second bout of psychosis — i.e. becoming adamant that my apartment was bugged by the CIA, it was time to return to my “safe place” (i.e. my parents).

Over these years of “recovery”, I worked on finding the correct medication cocktail, but mostly cried about never having anyone love or accept me for who I am — a bipolar patient who yes, has done incredibly insane things. Then I met my husband, who was certain we could make our relationship work and even have a family. Since marrying and thanks to my “panel of experts” and the wonderful people at the Center for Women’s Health at Mass General hospital, I have a perfect 3 year old boy, a home and a family of my own that I never dreamed possible. I think it was overcoming these hurdles that enabled me to let go of the guilt.

Eradicating the stigma held against yourself helps a support system grow more effectively. I count myself lucky to have a)survived b)understand myself and my diagnosis and c) be so thankful and feel so blessed to have the support that enables me to feel “normal”. For me, treatment compliance led to true happiness with a few “normal” bad days. I don’t know if that addressed “guilt”, but thank you for reading my thoughts regardless. Cheers – K

October 10, 2012 at 9:05 pm
(27) Barbara says:

I have guilt for the times I was not able to be a good mom. My daughter is now grown and has told me that she felt abandoned during the times of my deepest depressions. I know I did all that I could to get and comply with treatment, but that doesn’t make the guilt any less. I tell myself that I did my best under the circumstances and know that’s true, but I feel very badly about the impact on my daughter.

October 10, 2012 at 9:31 pm
(28) KEO says:

I can appreciate how you might harbor guilt, but I bet there are ways to solve the problem. Do you talk to a therapist you like and trust? Be straightforward and brutally honest about how your daughter’s comment made you feel — and ask for guidance regarding how you can continue to be the best mom possible and better process the memories, etc. that are causing you ill feelings. Best wishes, K

October 11, 2012 at 1:07 am
(29) Gil says:

Yes I feel guilty. I am also a catholic somewhat lapsed but trying to come home. 8 years ago I felt like I was being punished by God. So many trying times. Feeling like my life is in judgment at times. Like my soul will be damned if I do something wrong. I was later bumped from major depression with psychosis to bipolar. But my psychiatrist thinks I have schizophrenia. That feels like a death sentence. Today I felt like my mom was ashamed that she gave birth to me because she calls what I had a “nervous breakdown” and that sounds worse. It makes me feel like I’m too weak to handle life. I get stuck on labels I guess. I stigmatize myself it feels like. I just wish I knew what it was better. I don’t know much about mental illness other than what I read on wikipedia so many times. But I have analyzed myself so much throughout my life it makes me sick trying to figure out what I am and why I am the way I am.

October 11, 2012 at 11:13 am
(30) Dan says:

Guilty probably isn’t the right word. A victim of unfortunate genetics maybe. I’ve realized it isn’t my fault, but perhaps guilty over not getting treatment sooner. Like other posters here, I feel bad for the pain it caused by wife and kids and co-workers. Meds have it balanced, and I am fortunate to have low doses that don’t cause other physical ailments. My uncle and mom had bp, and my sisters deal with it through meds too – I knew it was highly likely, was was scared to admit it so put off really finding out and getting the help I needed.
Good news is that almost everyone can be helped with the right combo of med moderators for brain chemicals to put fences around too high or too low amounts. Admitting you have bp sure helps in noticing swings and communicating with your doctor to catch changes early. Hope is there.

October 11, 2012 at 11:27 am
(31) Eileen says:

lmao@Sara and Scientologist.!
More than guilt about having bipolar diagnosed at age 40, I was upset about having to take meds the rest of my life! I was upset about wasted time and decisions wasted all those years. It took years of different cocktails and therapy to get “balanced”. I will never ever forget those feelings. I wished I had physical pain instead.

I guess I can honestly say therapy helped me get over and deal with my feelings of guilt and anger.

I never tell people I have bipolar. 1. None of their business. 2. Too many times have I heard, “they must be bipolar” . 3. I’m not bipolar. I behave to normal on my meds now!

To All: My opinion only… but it is so worth the wait and struggles to find a balance. Hope my cocktail lasts a long time.
Peace

October 11, 2012 at 3:01 pm
(32) Kate O'Neil says:

Agreed: I’ve never mastered patience, but I did gain a healthy respect for tolerating the ups and downs of medication adjustments. I’ve now found a combination that works and yes: let’s hope it lasts a lifetime!

I also refrain from disclosing my diagnosis, unless I feel it would benefit both people in the conversation. I figure downloading is for my therapist, not friends outside my support group . . . and more importantly — colleagues. This very methodology is a problem, however, as it’s stigma that keeps us closed mouthed. If I had some horrible physical disease, there would be casseroles on my doorstep and flowers at my bedside . . . might as well plaster caution tape over the door of someone recovering from a mental illness. So it’s a catch 22: we want to eradicate stigma, but need to live in this world until people are educated — and no one really understands or knows until you’ve lived through the process.

So yes — don’t disclose unless the time is right and no — don’t refrain when there’s an opportunity to educate or help stomp out the disabling stigma that disables patients from recovery.

October 12, 2012 at 3:58 pm
(33) Terry Graham says:

Yes, I do struggle with guilt. And I’m relieved to see I am not alone.

October 14, 2012 at 10:47 pm
(34) Kathy says:

I feel guilty alot. At work I feel like an actor sometimes trying to not react to stress the way I feel like reacting. They are a few in my inner circle who know how much pressure I’m under. I feel guilty of stupid mistakes I’ve made while manic, even with being on medications. I feel guilty if I see someone else in my family’s blood line that shows signs of being bipolar. Even though I’m not the first in the family to be bipolar, I feel a need to make them aware that it can run in families, and to watch their kids behaviors.

January 25, 2013 at 2:46 am
(35) Susie says:

I am bipolar also. When reading about the guilt people feel, I hope I’ve gotten past that. I’ve been reading a book on how to have a good life and there is a statement about guilt being in the past and letting it go. I do believe people with bipolar and deep depression problems are extra sensitive and that’s a good thing. Our I.Q’s are usually above average.

Ted Turner and Bill Gates are supposed to be Bipolar. I’ve recently separated from my husband of 4 years and am feeling sad about our pending divorce. He was kind for awhile but my mood swings became too much for him to handle. I’m feeling pretty positive now and hope all those reading this post will give themselves some slack and know we all make mistakes and cannot help our genetic
inheritance.

February 5, 2013 at 5:20 pm
(36) Jason says:

I feel guilty pretty much all day every day. It’s why I love getting sick with a cold or some bug. I know I’m sick when I have a fever or chills. I have a good sense of humor and am insanely good at self examination and reading other people’s moods. So I try to out figure my constant guilt. Frankly, nothing I ever wanted to happen in life has so far happened. I blame myself. I find it hard to understand bipolar or any mental illness when I’m medicated as I am. I’m not in the hospital. I’m able to get out of bed. If you can’t see or feel the break in my mind or my thinking, then how do I know there is anything wrong with me? I don’t care what the shrink at the hospital said. I know in my heart that he was right. That I am bipolar. But I can’t see it. And there is all that wreckage behind me. It’s almost easier to see myself as just being lazy or very very slow to mature. But being so good at self examination curses me with the knowledge that I have bipolar and I’m just looking for reasons to be hard on myself. Sometimes I’d rather just be crazy and unaware of any problem at all than to be so completely aware of everything. Every mistake. Every misstep. Every act of cruelty to myself. And then to feel guilty despite all the pieces that I can put together. Damn. It’s just…it’s a bitch.

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