The Story of My Life
Some people say, "I woke up on the wrong side of bed today." I used to say, "I woke up on the wrong side of life." That's exactly how I felt for many years. I knew from a very young age that something was wrong with me. I used to go through severe suicidal lows, but never followed through with taking my life. So, year after year, I muddled through life, a very miserable person, just surviving. I am a Christian and very spiritual. Yet, no matter how much I prayed, I couldn't get relief. I read many self-help books, but still no relief. Now I'm 45 and after years of struggling, I finally have answers. I've taken my life back! No more "black cloud."
There are actually names and diagnoses for what I battle. I have mental illnesses called bipolar affective disorder (BP) - also called manic depression - with psychosis and adult ADHD (attention deficit hyperactivity disorder). But, I also battle related psychiatric illnesses like panic disorder with agoraphobia (housebound), PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) and SAD (social anxiety disorder). It's common for people with mental illnesses to have co-morbid (co-existing) psychiatric symptoms. I also have hypothyroidism and I'm postmenopausal (finished menopause in my early thirties), both of which contributed to my mental health condition. I always thought I was a little crazy. Now I know I am for sure, but there are reasons for it and treatment is available.
In layman's terms, I want to share my story with others who may be battling some of the same things. My story might help guide you to a tentative diagnosis which you can get confirmed by your doctor. But you have to be completely open and honest about your history. Maybe you can learn from my experiences just how crucial it is to be proactive when it comes to your health, whether it is mental or physical.
What is crazy anyway? People don't believe that I'm mentally ill because I don't look crazy! They just haven't seen me during one of my rages, looking like a raving lunatic. I've been able to hide it well by wearing a mask for many years. I should get an Oscar for best actress. It's a role that became harder for me to play the older I got. I became more and more emotional. I gave an all-star performance in the Army. You must show no sign of weakness at all cost. So I would go to work, wearing my armor, then come home and fall apart. I was hell for my daughter to live with. She bore the brunt of my pain. Trying to hide manic depression is like trying to force a beach ball under water. In the last ten years, the depression hit an all time low. Suicide was always on my mind, but I was to chicken to follow through with it. For me, suicidal thoughts became as automatic as breathing. The fact that I have a child was the only thing that kept me grounded. I've lost two cousins to suicide due to manic depression, and almost lost another one. Fortunately I haven't become a statistic.
I figured out all of my illnesses on my own, mainly through medical books. Doctors wouldn't listen. I set up an appointment with a doctor for a complete physical to rule out any medical factors. He asked me questions, and because I was seeing a psychiatrist, he just told me to continue on with him. He wasn't even going to draw blood from me. After much reading, I found that a lot of my physical and mental symptoms matched hypothyroidism. It requires a special blood test. It doesn't show up in regular blood work. I had the test done and was diagnosed with Hashimoto's Thyroiditis (Hypothyroidism, an under active thyroid). I started medication for it. One year later I was stabilized, but I was still having mental and physical problems.
Next, I asked my gynecologist to check my Estrogen and Progesterone levels. I was absolutely shocked at the outcome. My doctor diagnosed me as postmenopausal - done with Menopause at age 37, which meant no more kids. That knocked the wind out of me. I thought I would have at least one more child. He said you can go through menopause over the span of 10 years. It's possible that I started in my 20's. That explained some of the rollercoaster ride I'd been on. I also found out it runs in the family; it's genetic. I started a medication called Evista, without much relief.
