For years I refused to acknowledge that I had a problem, much less an illness. I kept pushing harder to maintain my belief that I was in control of everything within my grasp; I kept trying harder to exert mind over matter, willing my body to heal itself; and I kept denying that I held unrealistic beliefs and needed help to lead a healthy life.
I kept trying harder and harder to fix the world, because it was the problem and I was the solution. Then I blamed the world because nothing was right, no matter what I did; it was all wrong, and everybody and everything wanted me to fail and live in pain.
Then I was introduced to psychotropic medications after reluctantly being persuaded to "try" medication to see if it made a difference. WOW! The world was no longer against me, and I no longer felt that it was up to me and me alone to save the world.
I still have my good days (manic side) when I have the energy and desire to save the world; I still have my bad days (depressed side) when the whole world is out to undo everything I try to do. But now I have more days that are just DAYS ... days that bring challenges and rewards, laughter and tears, hope and regret, determination and resignation.
I now understand (and accept) that I can't make the sun shine when the rain is falling. I wouldn't try to stop a speeding locomotive with a single feather. Therefore, I must not try to control my mind/body with the sheer insistence of will. I am at the mercy of my own chemistry. Just as the sun will evaporate the water which will eventually fall back to earth as rain; just as a collection of feathers with eventually slow the train until to comes to rest; so medication in conjunction with my self-awareness will lead me to LIFE.
Written 11/16/06
