- Do not treat me as though I no longer have a brain. Do not hover.
- Trust me to make my own decisions, including those that affect my treatment and the course of my illness.
- Make me take responsibility for my illness and my actions, but love me regardless.
- Understand that you will never really understand what is going on in my mind, because I rarely understand it myself.
- Know that when I say "There's nothing you can do to help," it probably means it's the time when I need you the most.
- Believe that I am capable of doing everything that I say I can - except fly without a plane.
- Accept when I say I can't, even if I could the day before.
- Respect my boundaries. If I say I am bothered by having people stand behind me, take my word for it. Don't test me.
- Educate yourself about bipolar in general terms and specifically about my subgroup. Ask questions. Be open to learning. I'll guide you through it, but that can only happen if you're there and open to learning. Educate others - but not at my expense.
- Do not challenge my diagnosis, just because I don't act like somebody's great-aunt who had bipolar. Everybody's symptoms are their own.
- I will joke about my disorder. I will make wisecracks about being Froot Loops or taking vacations at the mental hospital. Please don't do so yourself. This is my right, my defense mechanism, that I will allow you to share in time, but only you. Do not joke about it to your friends.
- Know that this isn't your fault. This isn't my fault either. I didn't ask for this and can't just will it away with happy thoughts. Be there anyway.
- Finally and most importantly, always remember that I love you. Please love me, for that's the only way we will get through this together. Alone is so much harder.
The Take-Home Message
Nan's list is more than just things the husband or wife of someone with bipolar disorder should practice. If your spouse had diabetes or cancer, many of these items would still be apply: "Accept when I say I can't, even if I could the day before," or "Know that this isn't your fault or my fault -- and be there anyway." Loving and supportive behavior is very much the same in any marriage where one person is ill.
Certainly there are exceptions to some of Nan's items. Someone who is in a severe manic or depressive episode may not be able to make his or her own decisions regarding treatment. And particularly during mania, a person may say he or she can do things that are not really possible. Adjustments will always be necessary, because with bipolar disorder, the circumstances are going to change.
If your husband could tolerate your teenager's loud stereo yesterday, but today it makes him furious, that's part of his illness. If you and/or your teen react to his anger with anger, stop and think: would you be more sympathetic if he suffered from frequent migraines that made loud music painful, rather than bipolar disorder? Then look for a creative solution.
If you have bipolar disorder, I'm sure you can read Nan's list and think of similar things that will fit your own circumstances. Perhaps you could make a list of your own and give it to your spouse and family. If you have a family member with BP, Nan's examples of loving, supportive behavior make an excellent starting point, and they should also give you ideas of ways to help your own loved one.
