We posted this question in our forum. These are some of the short answers from community members:
Janie: I would like to be accepted. Not pitied.
Nervousrek: Treat me as you would any other. I am a lesbian, but don't treat me any differently. I am Jewish, but don't treat me any differently. I am a diabetic, but don't treat me any differently. I am a mother, a daughter, a friend, a wife and at my very core, just like everyone else. Treat me as you would any other.
Wolfgang: Each situation is different. However, I believe in tough love. Mental illness exhibits itself in lack of responsibility, so you cannot avoid the fact that someone is going to have to be there - not as a guard or a boss, but as someone who cares and can advise when needed. Tough love, with a touch of discipline is the best, but it must be moderated into teamwork. Education about the disorder is a must, too.
Libby: Just don't treat us like we're dumb or can't do anything for ourselves. Let us make our own decisions, no matter how stupid the decision is. Let us have our own lives and encourage us to work. Too many people think we should just sit back in life on disability and go to treatments all day. I want more for my life. I want more for my family. I have self-esteem, too.
Frogbreath: I would appreciate it so much if my friends and family would allow me to not meet anyone's expectations if I tell them I don't feel well. And I would like them to come over without asking me, just to hang out. I may not feel like doing anything but sit in silence, but I personally feel better if someone is there. I guess I'd like them to read my mind, too, but ...
Rainjaine7: Please think of my bipolar illness the same as you would heart disease, cancer, hypertension. It is a real illness with complications just like any other. Don't be offended if I am mean or act out of character when manic, or clam up and avoid you when I'm depressed. If I'm active and able to accomplish things one day, don't assume I'm lazy and worthless if I can't function the next day. Treat me with respect and let me be as responsible as I can be. Encourage me but don't push me. Unless I become dangerous to myself or others, let me make decisions. Even though I have this illness, I am still a person in my own right and I have self esteem. Be there when I need you; help me when I'm sick; and please know that I love you.
Chris: All I want is for my family and spouse to treat my disorder as a real medical illness and not a fault. RECOGNIZE it as an illness ... PLEASE. And don't use it to suit your own purpose in an argument and to blame all my actions on the illness.
Rapidcycler2: To me, being supportive would be taking the interest, care and time to educate oneself about the illness; helping the person in their various moods rather than blaming them; forgiving them for actions or words they may do when high and the little they may do when low; and taking an interest in their everyday lives like any normal family member or caregiver.
Kassiane:
- If I'm obviously irritable, don't do things to send me from grumpy to rage.
- If I am not capable of being rational, don't demand of me rationality.
- If I AM being rational, don't accuse me of being irrational because of previous irrationality.
- Don't blame every bit of crankiness or being angry with you on my BP. EVERYONE gets angry.
- Don't ask me if I took my meds just because you don't like how I am acting.
- If I'm in a mood state, don't try to talk me out of it -- all it will do is annoy me, at absolute best.
Conclusion
You may have noticed on this page and others in the How Family Can Help series that as many of the things people with bipolar disorder say are don't do this as do this. In a family dealing with bipolar disorder, many problems will arise, and it's apparent that some of these messages come from bitter experience.
Does this mean that family members have to be supermen or women to deal with BP in the family? It may feel that way. If the situation is taking a tremendous toll on you, consider therapy for yourself. Family counseling may be an option. And if nothing works, and you have to get out -- do what you must to take care of yourself. Sometimes there's no other choice.
Do not tolerate violence. No one should. A violent bipolar person should be hospitalized immediately.
We offer this series to family members to help you, not just your bipolar loved one. Anything that decreases tension, adds to harmony, or prevents disruption will benefit you and your whole family.
