I'm 45 and I've been bipolar for 17 years. Yes, there have been ups and downs. I've been unlucky enough to have been hospitalized four times with manic episodes, but I've also been blessed by being hospitalized twice to give birth to my children.
My firstborn, Michelle, was four when I had my first episode. At one point I locked both of us in our attic believing we we needed to hide from hit men. I thought I was protecting her but at the same time I was confusing and scaring her. My husband tried for hours to convince me to come out the small hatch. All the while he tried to comfort Michelle but didn't know what to do while I held Michelle tightly. Instead of immediately trying to pry Michelle from my arms he actually thought he would be able to convince me to let her go. Then there was a slap across my face - my grip slipped and Michelle was taken from the attic.
After seven hours I was still hiding from the Mafia, shaking and petrified. My husband finally called the police. They cautiously made their way to the back of the attic. After asking if I had a gun, they handcuffed me and dragged me kicking and screaming from the attic into a straitjacket and finally onto a gurney.
I was hospitalized for two months. My husband visited every day, but for the first two weeks I refused to see him since my delusional thought processes made him a hit man. After the paranoia subsided, I was manic, living in heaven on earth, in a small room at a mental hospital. After I was released I had to adjust to different medications with many side effects.
My husband has been my rock through my entire ordeal. All of this happened only four months after we were married and came out of the blue! My daughter was never traumatized by the incident and I like to think our open, close family relationship contributed to that. It was very important to keep the lines of communication open and to give her an understanding of mental illness.
Four years later after I thought everything had fallen into place I had another episode. I believed God told me I didn't have to take my Lithium ... I didn't need it ... He would take care of me. My husband was unaware that I'd stopped taking my Lithium, and I became wildly manic. I was committed again, only this time it was a much shorter visit.
I truly believe you have a much better understanding about bipolar disorder as you live with it. I snapped back to normal much more quickly in this hospital visit (with the help of antipsychotics!). I had two other hospital stays, all within a ten-year period. Each one had a shorter stay than the last.
My daughter is now 22 and is the most well-adjusted, independent, kind person that I know ... besides my husband, of course!
Here's the kicker - I got pregnant again (unplanned) when Michelle was thirteen. Michael was a blessing, but the entire pregnancy had my husband and me on pins and needles. My psychiatrist at the time recommended I stay on my Lithium since we knew I didn't do too well without it. I was made aware of a possible heart birth defect my child might develop. My husband and I had to wait until I was 18 weeks pregnant to find out if Michael had this defect. As far as they could tell from the ultrasound HE DID NOT - but we wouldn't know for sure until he was born. Michael is eight years old now and has a mild case of asthma but is otherwise healthy.
I lost confidence in my psychiatrist for many reasons and found another. After Michael was born I was in a mild manic state but on a scale of one to ten I floated at an eight. To everyone else I was just an upbeat, energetic, fun person to be around. Little did they or my family know that I was talking to God and He was answering me. I also had multiple conversations with my father who had passed away. I was unaware that this was not normal and never expressed it to anyone. Then I met my new psychiatrist who immediately got me off the Lithium that wasn't holding my mania and put me on Lamictal. I've finally found my baseline and my feet are firmly on the ground.
Do I regret anything I've gone through? No. It has made me the person I am today. Do I worry my children may have the bipolar gene? Yes, but I know they will be well supported, educated and hopefully receptive to medical intervention.
To my psychiatrist Dr. Silverman, thank you for recognizing I needed help and for helping me find my baseline. And for returning my phone calls! And to my family I thank you soooooo much for loving me, supporting me and most of all being willing to understand and learn how bipolar affects my life and ultimately yours. I love you!
]If someone you know needs help understanding bipolar disorder, consider having that person read Theresa's story. Her tale gives insights into mania especially and also proves that one should never give up in the search for the right treatment and stability.
