Name That Episode! Three Mixed-Up Months

Situational hypomania with physical depression? Obsessive mini-mania with fibromyalgic exhaustion? Just what was I experiencing during the first three months of this year?

It's only now, looking back, can I see that there was a hypomanic element to my mood during those three months. (I can see it now because it's gone - but that's another story.) You would never guess from my journals that I was anything but depressed. There are whole weeks in February, March and early April where I wrote things like, "Very, very, very tired," "Bad day. Feel awful," "Overwhelmed," "Exhausted," "Brutal day," and "Day from hell." (These notes are all written at bedtime.)

Now here's the strange part: my memory of those months is entirely different from my end-of-the-day notes. The way I remember it, I was happily immersed in garden planning, and proud of myself for keeping up with obligations in spite of being drastically overcommitted. In fact, there are a couple of entries in my journal that do say, "Only my planning saves me."

Now here's what really happened - as best I can piece it together.

In early January my psychiatrist and I decided I simply could not continue on Lexapro (see sidebar for earlier articles). I was too easily irritated, still agitated, and having bouts of depression. The doctor switched me back to Celexa (20 mg) and added Depakote (250 mg, twice a day). He also ordered me to establish a regular, earlier bedtime. My journal from that day says, "I was a babbling wreck in his office." Two weeks later, I called him saying the agitation had gone away but I still felt depressed. He raised Celexa to 30 mg a day.

Physically, these were rough months. Ongoing menstrual problems led, in mid-January, to my undergoing a hysteroscopy and endometrial biopsy - two gynecological procedures that left me in severe pain for three or four days with lingering pain on movement for another week. After that pain eased, my journal notes several visits over the next three weeks to the chiropractor for low back pain and headaches.

During all this time - in fact, starting with the arrival of the first seed catalogue in early December - I was deeply absorbed in planning my spring flower gardening and landscaping. In January I redesigned our sunroom so it could do double duty as both a potting shed/greenhouse and, when needed, a small dining area with the addition of a card table and chairs in the center. A friend with carpentry skills built for me a made-to-measure bench and two end tables to match the potting table I'd received for Christmas. I read every single back issue I own of Fine Gardening and Garden Gate, putting a sticky tab on each article I thought might be helpful. I pored over seed and plant catalogues, filled three spiral notebooks, set up a database for this year's plants and seeds, drew some plans. I ordered seeds lavishly (some will never be used) and started sowing them indoors in late January. Seed sowing continued through February and March, and in March outdoor work began. I begrudged every task that took me away from my obsession with planting plans.

And I spent money - not entirely recklessly, but too freely. I always order too many plants, seeds and bulbs, and although this year I tried hold myself back, I know now that I didn't succeed. Worse, for some reason the spending didn't stop with the garden - I bought clothes that don't all suit me, bedsheets (needed those), jewelry (more than needed) and knickknacks I have no place to put. The made-to-order furniture cost a pretty penny. Then, because I plan to do more container gardening than usual this year, I started buying pots and planters - not to mention bag after bag of potting soil!

Yet I never recognized any of this as hypomania. As noted above, I was dead tired at bedtime most nights. I was struggling to keep from feeling overwhelmed, not just by the garden work to which I'd committed myself, but by all the other obligations of my life. I have a full-time day job and two part-time jobs working from home on my computer, and all three jobs were demanding. There are also the basics like doing laundry, paying bills, and cleaning up after myself.

I kept expecting something to give way - but nothing did. The only thing that was out of control was the clutter in my office. In the past when I've been overcommitted to such an extent, my body would "solve the problem" by coming down with something that would put me to bed for a week, forcing me to rest. This time I kept going.

I still don't know what to call my state during those three months - but whatever it was, it was definitely bipolar.