Basic description of my rapid cycling bipolar disorder:
I'm on here because I suffered once from Rapid cycling. So do I have a place here discussing this OR is this for those of us who are still within the grips?
I understand the days that stretch into weeks that linger into months & stumble into years; where you question your sanity, your reason of being alive & the increasing paranoia which implicates any method of ever becoming "well".
I have cycled on a daily basis - but with a guarantee that my "black dog" would rear its ugly head at least every week. My self named "Black dog" lived within me since I was 7 years of age and was only diagnosed at the age of 43.
More details about my rapid cycling:
I had few friends as a child & would go from world's best chum to a fiery demonic exasperated "thing". On those days my mother (I was adopted)would send these friends home. My first relationship began when I was 14 and he was 21. I lied, I cheated, I crept behind my parents' back. My choice of few friends has been something which has continued right to this day. I prefer my own company, yet there are those days when I wish so desperately that I could "share". I find it easier to remain a solo item than to open myself to those who do not understand or see the person I really am. Yet do not judge me because, under all of this I was truly a tortured soul, full of love & looking for love of self. I did not understand what I termed "rubber heads". In this time I married at the age of 17 (and pregnant). It did not cure my episodes. I married again 12 years later. It did not cure my episodes either. It was 6 children later and into my 3rd marriage; when my cure would arrive.
My third husband & my best friend fought demons of his own (alcohol) and between the two of us we stumbled, fell & survived. I miscarried, and all this time my episodes occurred continually thwarting the relationship and leaving me on thin ice. I fell pregnant and went through an aminiocentisis to be certain that all was well. I was 43, this was 6th child & 7th pregnancy.
It was at this stage that my other "illness" of anorexia & bulimia came to a grinding halt - I had suffered this for over 12 years.
I had self harmed and made several attempts at ending my life. One of which saw me in Intensive care with a pending liver transplant.
My eldest son, a policeman at the time asked me later if I had left any messages? My answer was "no". I have wondered about his question since and one day I may ask him.
I recall times when I was "high" and would ask people to dinner then by the time the night came round I was "down" and rang to say I wasn't well or when people visited I wouldn't answer the door or not answer the phone. I know there are those of you out there or are saying "Uh Huh" as you recognize those days.
I did get help when my sixth child was 1 year old and it was after one of the most terrifying episodes. I left the house after tormenting my now husband, he locked me out and I drove to a forest & huddled up in some leaves and went to sleep - I wanted to shrivel up & die. It was night & I stayed there. I did not want to wake up. I could not put those I loved through this anymore
Lessons Learned
- Not eating breakfast lead to a morose downer recluse day
- Cleaning & hyper chatter lead to a topsy upper day
- When having a up day & then my partner not saying or looking at me the "way" I thought I needed spun me out to an instant down day.
- I could identify up days because usually I would speak faster & not give those I was speaking to time to answer
- On those "up" days I learnt to recognize the look of bewilderment on people's faces.
- During "up" days my energy level was high, however when I "fell" brought about by a trigger, I would automatically decrease my speed of talk, movement & thinking.
More I want to share about rapid cycling:
That I got better. That after that episode in the woods and seeing a counselor. She saw in me what her own husband was suffering & recognized what it was. The 1st person to ever have done so; despite all the psychologists & psychiatrists I had met. Immediately my doctor referred me to a specialist.
My cycles' severity is:
WAS severe and lived inside me for over 36 years until it was diagnosed.
Over time, my rapid cycling is getting:
IS manageable due to "Epilem" which I have been on for 12 years. BUT I "played around & self-adjusted" this medication as I saw fit.
This has had profound results. The latest being only a few months ago when I decided NOT to take this blasted drug which I was shackled to. Instantly my husband knew.
Rapid cycling has kept me from:
IF I hadn't taken steps to medicate Then rapid cycling would have KEPT ME from:-
~LIFE & Graduating 3 times.
~Finding my soul mate & "gifting" him his 1st child & my 6th (She is now 13)
~Seeing my older 5 children live their lives & have their own children - My 5th grandchild is due next January!
